


Nobody knows

by popnographic



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fuckbuddies To Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, Smut, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-14 09:44:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 64,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4559934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popnographic/pseuds/popnographic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing sucks more than being in love with someone who doesn't love you back. Well, maybe if that person loves someone else.</p><p>Haru's found himself in a weird arrangement he can't tell anyone about, stuck between wanting to get out, or staying just to be close to the one he loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is loosely inspired on the MakoRin doujinshi series called "[Doushiyou ka](http://yefione.tumblr.com/post/103120723585/doushiyouka-makorin)", in which Rin and Makoto are in a sex-only relationship. The title is something I remembered being a film we watched during Japanese class a few years ago called "Nobody knows", or "Daremo shiranai".

“Ha—Haru, I’m… coming,” Sousuke breathes above Haru, and he only manages a nod in response as the other thrusts harder. Beads of sweat trickle down his forehead, and Haruka gets an intense urge to wipe them away as an excuse to just touch Sousuke, but he refrains.

Sousuke comes not too long after, and then he’s a collapsed, heavy breathing mess on top of Haruka. “That was good. Did it hurt?”

“No,” Haru replies, biting back a smile. Sousuke always makes sure Haru isn’t in pain, always making sure he’s okay. It’s a little strange, but he finds it cute. “And I agree.”

“Good. I’m gonna go wash up and then head back home.”

Haru’s stomach drops, but he maintains his neutral facial expression. This was their agreement, and Sousuke’s words shouldn’t surprise him. Yet they always do, because after all this time, Haru naïvely thought that Sousuke may have wanted to stay for just a little longer just because they’re friends.

Is that what you could call it? No, Haru guesses they’re more like friends with benefits in a very strange arrangement that no one else knows about. This was the result of Sousuke coming home to him one day after his frustration with his situation had reached a peak.

For some stupid reason, Haruka offered his body and sex to Sousuke as a way for the taller man to get out his aggressions. Ironically, Sousuke’s never too violent whenever they have sex. Sometimes he gets rough, but Haruka doesn’t mind it. It’s never too much and never hurts too badly. Except in his chest, but that wasn’t directly affected by the sex, per se.

Sousuke emerges from the bathroom when Haru is still sitting on the side of his bed. He sticks his head in through the door, and Haruka forces himself to not look as devastated as he feels on the inside.

“Right, I’m leaving,” Sousuke announces.

“Okay,” Haruka replies, and with a short nod, Sousuke exits Haru’s house. He listens for the door to close properly, and when it does, he lies back down on the bed, pulling his knees up and hugging them.

_I’m such an idiot._

 

* * *

 

The next time they get together to have sex, it’s at Sousuke’s apartment. He’s had a bad day at work, and Haru’s had a few idiotic customers come in and bug him in the pastry shop, so they both benefit from this today. Well, they usually do, but Sousuke doesn’t know Haru's reason.

Haru walks in as if he isn’t just a fuckbuddy who comes by every now and then, knowing almost every nook and cranny of Sousuke’s place. Maybe that’s because they’ve _had_  sex in every nook and cranny of this flat, but he doesn’t cling to the details of it. It’s cold out, so he’s brought his jacket and is wearing thicker socks than usual. Sousuke, however, has thinner clothing and isn’t wearing socks, but that’s probably because he wasn’t the one to recently make his way over here. Haru knows he’ll be warm soon enough, anyway.

Sousuke comes up behind him and places two firm hands on his ass. “Where do you want to fuck today?” he murmurs into Haru’s ear, sending a shiver from his head down to his toes.

Haru turns his head. “I picked last time. You pick.”

“Right. Okay, I feel like the couch. Go and make yourself comfortable, I’ll be right out. Any condom preferences?”

Haru shrugs and walks away from Sousuke, mostly because having him so close without actually fucking him is driving him nuts. “Take those with the weird goose bumps all over them.”

“Goose bump condoms”, Sousuke says through a laugh, and makes his way towards the bedroom, while Haru sits down on the couch. He shimmies his way out of his tight jeans and folds them before placing them on the floor, and then removes his socks and shirt. He finds people who have sex with socks on disgusting — who doesn’t have time to remove their socks, anyway? — and he’s glad at least Sousuke always takes them off, too. It just feels a little more intimate to him, but he’s pretty sure Sousuke doesn’t think anything of it, if anything maybe because it’s more convenient that way.

Sousuke returns with a condom and lube bottle, and he places them on the coffee table in front of the couch. Neither of them ever really get embarrassed about these things; it just all flows smoothly and they go about their business as if it isn’t anything special. Well, it shouldn’t be, considering the agreement they have. But of course, Haru just had to be the one to break the unspoken rules of said argument, and actually find this special. Being close to Sousuke is a special thing for him, being able to feel Sousuke’s body against his own is special. And as long as Sousuke doesn’t find out, he doesn’t mind thinking of it that way.

Having stripped out of his clothes, Sousuke motions for Haru to get on all four, hands on the couch and knees on the floor in front of it. Before he has a chance to really prepare himself after having gotten into his position, Sousuke’s behind him, his hands firmly gripping Haru’s asscheeks, spreading them wide, and then he easily flits his tongue inside Haru’s ass. Haru tilts his head back with a breathless moan, letting his eyes flutter shut.

Haru normally isn’t much of a vocal person. He’s a man of few words, he prefers to keep conversations short, and doesn’t usually speak up even when he probably should. It’s never been part of him, but for some reason, when he has sex, he’s  _very_  vocal. Moaning, pleading, whining, whimpering,  _begging_ … Maybe this is all Sousuke’s doing. Maybe Sousuke’s the one who’s changed him into being like this. Whatever the cause is, Haru doesn’t know if he likes it or not.

Sadly, Sousuke doesn’t stay there very long, before he switches his tongue out with his fingers. Either way, it’s still Sousuke — and that’s obviously something Haruka _doesn’t_ mind, whether it’d be him getting rimmed or just fingered.

One finger becomes two. Sousuke scissors them, curls them, pushes at Haru’s prostate, making him shudder and let out one of many moans that’ll spill past his lips that evening. Haru’s actually begun to sweat, like he’d expected, and he’s glad they’re not actually in a bed right now. Well, to be fair, he and Sousuke rarely ever make use of the duvet, anyway, so it doesn’t really matter whether or not they’re fucking on top of a bed or a couch as soft and comfortable as Sousuke’s is.

“I’m ready,” Haru says, and Sousuke slows down his movements.

“You sure?”

He rolls his eyes, impatient. “Yes.”

“Okay.” It doesn’t even sound like a ‘suit yourself’ kind of ‘okay’, but Sousuke seems to actually trust Haru’s judgement. Okay, so maybe he _isn’t_ quite there, but Haru’s impatient, and even if it hurts a bit, it’ll only remind him that this is happening, it’s real, and Sousuke’s still there with him after all this time. Like someone pinching you to make sure you aren’t dreaming.

A latex-coated length enters him while two strong arms slowly bring him down. Haru lets himself slide down onto Sousuke’s cock and bites his lower lip, a small crease forming between his eyebrows. It isn’t often he’s in this position, so it’s nice with a little change. Besides, this gives him more leg exercise than the boring old missionary position, and it kind of gives him more control of the situation, too.

Haru starts moving, and Sousuke quickly adjusts his thrusts to the smaller male’s pace. The pattern on the condom makes for an interesting sensation as Haru lets Sousuke go in and out of him, and he makes a mental note to tell Sousuke to buy more of these. He’d gladly do it himself, but since Sousuke’s forced him to accept the fact that Sousuke would be the one buying condoms, he doesn’t have to do it himself.

Not that he’d mind; he’d gladly do it. But since Sousuke’s on top for the most part, he’s told Haru that he wants to be the one responsible for ‘the things he’s using’. And it isn’t that Haruka’s been forced into accepting being on the receiving end, he doesn’t want to be the one on top because he feels uncomfortable in that situation. And of course, with Sousuke’s big ego, he definitely doesn’t mind being on top, so naturally — he’d been the one left in control of their supply of condoms and lube.

Sousuke’s grip on Haruka’s waist tightens, and Haru digs his nails into Sousuke’s back. They’re so close, Haru can feel the other man’s breaths fanning against his skin, and he has to again resist the urge to kiss him. Sometimes, he feels a little sad over the fact that he's never once kissed Sousuke, but for the most part, he prefers to keep it that way. It makes it just that much easier to deal with his agony of being in love with his fuckbuddy. One more barrier between them to keep Haru from completely losing himself.

 

* * *

 

“Haru, are you okay?”

He flinches, coming back from his daydream, and looks at Makoto in front of him. His best friend has a worried frown on his face, and it seems like Haru’s just missed out on something serious.

“Sorry. Did you say something?”

“I said that Rin and I are planning on going to the shrine on New Year’s. We thought we’d ask if you want to come; Rin’s going to ask Sousuke, too.”

 _Oh, that sounds like an absolutely brilliant idea_ , Haru thinks sarcastically to himself. Having Sousuke see Rin kiss Makoto when the clock strikes twelve is going to devastate him, Haru’s sure of it. This whole situation is messed up beyond reason, really. Haru’s in love with Sousuke, who’s in love with Rin, who in turn is in a relationship with Makoto. How did it end up like this? Why did Haru have to be part of this dumb equation?

“Oh,” Haru replies slowly, shaking the sarcasm off of him. “Actually… I think I’m just gonna stay home. Don’t like crowds.”

“But Haru, it’s  _New Year’s Eve,_ ” Makoto points out in an effort to make Haru change his mind. It’s not going to work; he doesn’t want to be around Sousuke on one of those romantic moments you only get to experience once a year, when he won’t even get to do anything romantic with Sousuke. He’s going to have to see Sousuke glare at someone else, and Haruka knows he won’t be able to stand it.

So why is he in this weird arrangement with him, if it’s so difficult for him to be with Sousuke when Rin is around? Maybe it’s just because when they see each other to have sex, it’s just the two of them. Just as Haru prefers. When they meet, there’s no time for no one else, they never eventalk about what Haru doesn’t want to hear, and maybe that’s why it’s so much easier when it’s just the two of them.

He realises now why Sousuke used to have such a burning hatred towards him back in the day, because he saw Haru as a threat, and as someone who stood in Sousuke’s way of getting what he wanted. Little did he know — hell, Haru wouldn’t even have guessed it himself, and he’s supposed to know Makoto better than anyone else — that Rin would fall for Makoto, and that they’d start dating.

Haru’s surprised that Sousuke has yet to catch on, that Sousuke hasn’t seemed to realise that Haru has feelings towards him. Maybe he really is as dumb as Haruka used to think all those years ago before they made up and become friends — well, somewhat. But maybe that’s for the better, because if Sousuke actually knew, then maybe they wouldn’t be in this arrangement anymore.

“I _know_ it’s New Year’s,” Haru replies. “But I don’t want to go. I don’t see the point, it’s the same thing every year, anyway. Take Sousuke with you, I don’t care.”

Except he does. He actually hopes Sousuke’s going to turn them down and say he won’t go, or that he has other plans. Just because he doesn’t want for Sousuke to be around Rin when Haru himself isn’t there.

Makoto sighs, surrendering. “If you say so. I just… you’ve seemed down for a while, so I figured I’d try and bring you with us to get you in a better mood. I’m worried about you, Haru-chan.”

Haru tries to smile, although he knows it doesn’t reach his eyes and that it probably looks as fake as it feels. He doesn’t even bother to tell Makoto the usual ‘drop the –chan’ he’s had to say so many times during their years together. “I’m fine, Makoto, I promise. Maybe I’m just getting sick or something.”

Sick of being in this situation? Yeah, sounds about right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru's reminded by just how much he despises having to be around couples when he isn't part of one himself, and Rin accidentally tears up old scars within Haru.

Having to walk through deep mounds of snow to and from work every day worsens Haru's already foul mood by quite a lot. When he's actually made it inside the pastry shop, he doesn't want to leave until the snow melts and completely disappears for at least eight months. But of course, every day at five o'clock, he and his co-workers have to clean up the place and then lock up to go home.

 _Home_. Haru snorts at the word; his house doesn't feel like home to him. Even if it is the place where he's lived for his entire life, a home is something he believes is a place where you feel happy. And his house definitely isn't the place.

When he leaves work on a Friday evening, he receives a text from Rin. He raises his eyebrows in surprise when reading the message.

 **MATSUOKA, RIN** :  _Come over for dinner tonight, we're having ishikari nabe. I know there's no mackerel in that, but at least there's salmon. Better than nothing, right?_

 

Haru snorts at Rin's attempts at bribery, but appreciates and accepts the offer nonetheless. He replies saying he's coming over after he's at least gotten a chance to take a shower and get changed, not wanting to come over still in his work clothes. Preferably into warmer clothes. Rin's and Makoto's house has central heating throughout, so there's no worry about him freezing in there, but it's the getting home part he isn't looking forward to. He's willing to bet on the fact that he's got some sort of seasonal depression, because he always tends to be in a worse mood in general when it's dark and cold out. With this whole Sousuke business added onto it, he wouldn't honestly be surprised if a shrink stamped a big red ' _depressed_ ' on his forehead.

After a hot shower and having gotten himself into some thicker clothing, Haru sighs to himself as he leaves the house again. Another thing that's sad about winter is the fact that the cats won't come visit him. Of course they wouldn't. Cats are smart, but they're also lucky they don't have to deal with things like having to go to work every day, and everything else that makes being a human exhausting.

"Glad you could make it!" Rin says when he opens the door, and welcomes Haru into a big and tight embrace that makes Haru feel like he's going to suffocate. He pats his friend on the back to be released, and then he's assaulted by said friend's boyfriend. Thankfully, Makoto's hug is of a more gentle kind, and Haru almost feels himself melt into it before he decides to let go.

He's ushered into the living room, Makoto following soon after, and Rin goes back into the kitchen. At least it smells good. Well, Haru usually doesn't have to doubt Rin's cooking skills, having lived pretty much on his own in Australia for a few years. Haru doesn't really like Western food, however, so there were a couple of times he outright disliked the food Rin presented to him. He felt bad, of course, because Rin spent so much time on making it. At least tonight he knows he'll be fed something he's had before, and something he likes.

To be honest, mackerel would've been the ultimate way of pleasing him tonight, but he's not one to complain when he's been served food without having to help. Or rather, being  _allowed_ to help.

One thing that becomes clearer to Haru the more he hangs out with Makoto and Rin, is just how painful it is to be with them when they're at their worst. They're both so happy, with each other, with their lives — sometimes Haru feels like they forget he's even there in the first place. It isn't that he _dislikes_ the two of them together; he's really glad they found each other and that things seem to be working out well for them. He just wishes he didn't have to be dragged into it as well, that they could either tone things down or refrain from being disgusting with each other when others are present.

So when they've finished eating, when the big pot and bowls are all gone, and Rin and Makoto are back to being lovey-dovey, Haru excuses himself and retreats to the bathroom, where he spends a few minutes just sitting on the lid of the toilet with his head in his hands, breathing deeply in and out through his nose. They're his  _friends_ , it isn't supposed to be like this. What happened to him being able to casually hang with them, go racing with Rin without having to listen to him babbling on about Makoto — what happened to the old days?

Oh, right. They grew up.

 

* * *

 

A knock on the door takes Haru back to reality, and he flinches. "Haru? Are you okay?"

"Leave him, Makoto — he's probably just sick to his stomach or something," Haru hears Rin say in the background.

 _That'd obviously be from your cooking, idiot_ , Haru thinks. He gets up from the toilet with a sigh and turns on the tap, splashing his face with cold, cold water. He'll just have to pull himself together, disconnect himself from whatever romantic bullcrap Makoto and Rin decide to pull whenever he's present. It doesn't concern him, so why should he _feel_ like it does?

He clears his throat and opens the door again, immediately met by a pair of worried, emerald green eyes. "Is everything okay?"

Haru shrugs. "I'm fine. What's he whining about?"

Makoto smiles a little. "Oh, it's nothing. I guess he just misses you."

"I do!" Rin shouts back. "I never get to  _see_ you nowadays, and when you're finally here, you're spending the majority of the evening in my fucking bathroom. You're breaking my heart here, Nanase."

"Rin," Makoto gently scolds as the two of them walk back into the living room. "Let Haru be. Be glad he still lives in Iwatobi, at least."

Rin, sitting by the kotatsu still, raises an eyebrow. "Guess I should be. Though it wouldn't hurt you to try and stay in contact more often, you know."

Haru shrugs. "Sorry. I'm bad at that."

"Yeah, I've noticed. You know, you've been really weird lately. I just feel like you're avoiding us or something. Or at least me. Makoto doesn't tell me _shit_ about what's going on with you."

Makoto tries to smooth things over with his gentle smile and even gentler scolding as Haru frowns at Rin from where he's standing. "Leave him be, Rin. And I'm not hiding things from you."

"Whatever you say," Rin replies sarcastically. "And it's not just that, it's this... this whole _thing_ with you, Haru. You giving up on the whole Olympic dream we were both going to chase after. I mean, just imagine if the both of us were able to travel around the world and enter tournaments—"

" _Rin_ , I said that's enough."

Haruka sits down, trying to ignore Rin's babbling. It does sting a bit, having to listen to Rin whining to him about him not having pursued professional swimming like he'd said he would when the two of them went to Australia a couple of years back. It hadn't been that easy, just going from having completely despised the competitive side of swimming, to suddenly caring about times and results and actually forcing himself to like the thing he'd never really cared for.

It went too fast, he should've had more time to think about it before he came to that decision. Before he started looking for a coach who would push him past his limits to become an Olympic swimmer. He feels like even if he were to win gold, said medal would just feel like a noose around his neck. The thing to for sure put him on an express train towards death. And it sure as hell wouldn't be of a natural cause.

"Sorry," Rin mumbles, not looking up. "I went back into old Rin mode again. Didn't mean to."

Haru shrugs it off, even though he isn't quite okay with Rin accusing him of  _giving up_. He _had_ given up, sure — but reaching that decision hadn't been easy. Several days and nights of crippling anxiety, no sleep, tension headaches, and the constant pressure from literally everyone around him, had made it absolute hell reaching the decision of not pursuing professional swimming anymore. He'd only ever tried pursuing this fake dream of his for a couple of months before deciding not wanting to anymore.

He manages to cope with the rest of the evening, and then leaves around ten. It's early for a Friday night, but he honestly doesn't have the desire to stay any longer than that. Haru's exhausted, wanting nothing more than to wrap himself up in his comforter like a Taco Bell burrito (a little more expensive  _and_ healthy than one, though) and go to sleep. He's wanted to get a decent night of at least eight hours of sleep for a long time now, and he's hoping he'll get one of those tonight. If only hoping would be enough.

"Don't be a stranger now," Rin reminds him by the door. "We don't live too far away, and you can always just drop by whenever you want to."

Haru nods once. "I know." After a moment of hesitation, he adds: "Thanks."

He leaves their house and lets a sigh rush out of his lungs when walking down the pavement towards the big intersection. It's really cold out, and he has to shove his hands down the pockets on his coat to keep them somewhat warm. Oh, how Haru can't _wait_ for winter to be over. For at least spring to arrive, for the warmer season to dye the town in colours other than just an empty, expressionless white. Not to mention getting out of all of these layers of clothing that only makes it more difficult to move around.

When he's back at home again, his phone buzzes in his pocket with a text message. He doesn't even have to guess who it is.

 **TACHIBANA, MAKOTO** :  _Sorry about the whole Rin thing. Hope you're not mad at him. He means well, you know that. Talk to you soon_.

 

 _Sometimes I wonder if I do know him_ , Haru thinks to himself, sighing as he closes the message and throws his phone onto the kotatsu table before proceeding into the bathroom.

One thing's for sure, he isn't going to spend another minute with the two of them together for at least a couple of weeks. At least until he's gotten his own emotions under control to the point where basic romantic affection between two of his best friends won't bother him, just because it makes him think of someone else. Haru accidentally slams the bathroom door shut behind him when he walks in, suddenly glad that he  _doesn't_ live with someone else who would've probably barked at him right about now for being unnecessarily loud at night.

But in all honesty, Haru wouldn't  _mind_ having someone barking at him for accidentally slamming the door too hard. At least that'd mean he isn't all alone in this far too big house his parents oh-so-graciously left him when they abandoned him several years ago. He wonders what it'd be like to have a cohabitant, to have someone to always eat at least dinner in the evenings with, someone who could help him do laundry—

_What if that could be Sousuke?_

Haru curses under his breath and leaves the bathroom as soon as he'd left it, not caring about taking a shower or brushing his teeth. All he wants is to sleep, and then preferably not to wake up again for a few weeks — but as always, reality will call him back either in the form of his alarm clock or his phone ringing. Reality will always be there as the little demon on his shoulder, reminding him in menacing whispers of the things he can't look away from, the responsibilities he can't just throw away.

Reality will always be there to remind him that he can't have what he wants.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru's New Year's Eve takes an unexpected turn.

In reality, he should be used to the house being quiet. Haru has lived alone for as long as he can remember, only seeing his parents once or twice a year when they decided to come back home for a week or so. But this silence he’s experiencing is almost deafening, and even playing music doesn’t help to fill it.

He lies under the kotatsu and draws in his sketchpad with the TV on in the background. It’s New Year’s Eve, and Makoto didn’t make another attempt at trying to get him to come along. Haru’s glad for it, because he knows he would be nothing but boring company, and it’d certainly ruin the night for both Rin and Makoto.

A buzzing in his pocket makes him flinch and drag his pen across half the page he’s working on. Cursing to himself, he tears it off, crumples it and throws the paper across the living room before fishing his phone out of his pocket. His heart stops when he sees the sender of the text message on his screen.

 **YAMAZAKI, SOUSUKE** :  _Outside your house. You have company?_

 

He considers telling a lie, saying that yes, he does have company. But at the same time, if Sousuke’s standing outside of his house, and if he asks if Haru has company, then that means he came there to see Haru. That alone gives Haru a reason not to lie.

 **YOU** :  _I don’t._

 **YAMAZAKI, SOUSUKE** :  _Can I come up?_

 

Haruka sighs and types away an affirmative reply, telling himself he's partly doing it just to shut Sousuke up. He’s sunk so low, and he hates himself for being like this. There’s not a single shred of his dignity left at this point, so he might just as well throw himself at Sousuke now and spill the beans, because he doesn’t have much to lose.

A ring on the doorbell makes his heart beat hammer in his chest again, and this time with a vengeance. He crawls out from under the kotatsu and walks out into the hallway, taking a deep breath. Each time with Sousuke is worse for his emotional state, yet he can’t bring himself to put an end to it, because that probably wouldn’t help, either.

“Hey,” Sousuke says as Haru opens the door, and he lifts up a bottle of sake with a grin. “Wanna drink?”

“Did you come here for that?” Haru asks while he’s suspiciously eyeing the bottle in Sousuke’s grip, a raised eyebrow signalling his doubts about what might just ensue. He isn’t much of a drinker, but he’s curious to see how Sousuke holds his alcohol.

Sousuke scoffs. “Partly. I’m pissed, want to get drunk and forget about this stupid, fucking night. That’s why.”

Haru lets the other man come inside, and he closes the door behind him as his unexpected guest strips out of his coat and shoes. He wonders what has Sousuke so angered all of a sudden, but he figures he’ll know very soon. Either because Sousuke wants to tell him, or because the alcohol will do the talking for him.

Sousuke goes in to sit by the kotatsu, and Haru picks his sketchpad up to stuff it away. Before he has a chance to, Sousuke grabs his wrist. “Were you drawing before I came? Can I see?”

“Yes, and no,” Haru replies and wriggles free. Sousuke clicks his tongue, but doesn’t say anything as Haru goes out of the living room to put his sketchpad in one of the hallway drawers. Half of the sketches in said sketchpad are of Sousuke in various poses and angles, and if the person in question were to find out about them, he’d probably be creeped out. So Haru wants to make sure that doesn’t happen.

“Oi, Haru, can you bring two glasses when you come back?” Sousuke calls from the living room. “Didn’t really have time to go back and get any.”

 _I’d find it weirder if you had brought glasses, though_ , Haru thinks as he obeys and goes into the kitchen to fetch two glasses for the sake. He comes back out into the living room to see Sousuke opening the bottle. He nods in approval at Haru when he sits down.

“Awesome.”

He pours them a little too much and puts the bottle down again. At first, they drink in silence, and whenever Haru takes a sip, he cringes, and Sousuke laughs. He deliberately does it more than he would have otherwise, just because hearing Sousuke laugh makes his heart flutter. As a result, he gets tipsy rather quickly. Thankfully, so does Sousuke, but he’s drinking far more than Haru, too. _Drinking to drown his sorrows, probably_ , Haru figures. Well, that makes two of them.

“So why aren’t _you_ out celebrating?” Sousuke asks while he’s giving Haru a third refill. His head feels light, and he slurs when he talks.

“Didn’t feel like it,” he responds. “Don’t wanna be a third wheel, and didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Yeah, same here. The fuck were they thinking, though. I mean, why would I want to be there with Rin  _and_  Makoto?”

“Does Makoto know?”

Sousuke looks at Haru with eyes that seem distant, and he snorts. “Of course not. Well, I haven’t told him, but he… might’ve figured out, anyway. That guy is… _really_ fucking smart. It’s kinda scary.”

“Yeah,” Haru says slowly and lies down. His head spins as he does, and he groans. Sousuke laughs again, his laugh accompanied by a hiccup.

“That’s a bad idea when you’re drinking. Also, you’re… weak, Nanase. I thought you’d be able to take a little more than that, at least.”

“Shut up. I don’t usually drink to drown my sorrows, so I’m not used to it.”

“So what do you do?”

“I draw or sit in the bath.”

He realises a little too late that he’s just admitted to actually having sorrows to try and cope with. The blanket on the kotatsu ruffles, and soon, he sees Sousuke’s face right above him.

“You’re sad about something? Then talk! Just… get it all out… you know? Besides, you have the alcohol in you to blame for whatever the hell you blurt out. It’ll be fun.”

 _Fun_. Haru snorts and closes his eyes, not being able to look into Sousuke’s eyes any longer, or he feels like he’s going to drown in them. “I’m not going to do that, that's dumb.”

“Fine, then I’ll start.”

 _Stubborn idiot_. This honestly makes Haru feel like they're still high schoolers, doing a truth or dare kind of thing. Sometimes he wonders if Sousuke's truly matured past that time of their lives, or if his mind decided to stay there. For what reason, well, that's pretty easy for Haru to figure out. Things were easier back then, that's a start.

“I hate myself for being in love with my best friend since childhood. And I… hate myself for hating his boyfriend over it. And I’m sorry I hated you because I thought you’d steal Rin away from me.”

“It’s okay,” Haru says quietly, and his throat feels tight as he speaks now. If it’s a side-effect from the alcohol or him getting emotional, he can’t really tell at the moment.

“No, it’s not okay! I hated you for the wrong reasons, and I’m ashamed of it now. So I’m sorry.”

“I told you, it’s okay.”

Sousuke sighs. “Whatever. So, talk. Tell me what’s on your mind. You probably don’t believe me, but I’m actually a pretty good listener. At least Rin says so.”

Rin this, Rin that. Haru should’ve lied to Sousuke after all, he realises, and he curses himself for not having thought things through. Of course this would happen, he wouldn’t have to think too far to come to that conclusion. Again, this is all because of that goddamn sake.

“I’m not... going to talk to you about my…  _feelings_ , Yamazaki”, Haru slurs and lies on his side instead. He wants to sleep, but not like this. Not drunk, and not with Sousuke in his house. Well, normally he wouldn’t mind it — but in these circumstances, he’d rather be alone. Anything that would prevent him from having to listen to Sousuke talking about Rin when he’s drunk — no, he doesn't  _ever_ want to hear Sousuke talk about his feelings for Rin. It's too bad Haru can't tell him that.

“Why _not_? You still can’t trust me, is that it?”

“That’s not it, idiot.”

“So what is it?”

 _Persistent idiot is what he is_ , Haru thinks and sighs. “Leave it. I don’t want to and I’m not going to talk to you about this. It’s dumb.”

“It’s not dumb.”

“How would you know when you don’t even know who I like?”

“But… er… guess you’re right about that one. But still, why not? It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone. Is that what you’re afraid of?"

“No.”

 _Please just drop it_ , he begs in his mind, hoping Sousuke will somehow pick up on the telepathic signals he’s trying to send. But of course he won’t, because telepathy doesn’t exist, and Sousuke’s definitely not the sharpest knife in the box when it comes to these things.

“Nanase,” Sousuke whines, “you don’t trust me.”

“Please don’t start crying in my house. Who are you, _Rin_?”

Sousuke scoffs. “Fuck off. And I’m not gonna cry, idiot. Just talk, jeez. What’s so difficult about that?”

“Why do you think I would talk about my feelings for you  _with_ you?!”

“Because— wait. Oh… man. Wait, _what_?”

 

* * *

 

Haru slowly opens his eyes, and he wants to die. He wants to sink through the floor and disappear forever, but he knows it’s not possible. Rei would laugh at him for thinking like that, and say something about how it’s not theoretically possible. He just wishes it was, just for this one time.

“Nothing,” he says. “Forget about it. I want to go to sleep. Can you leave?”

“The _hell_ I’m gonna leave. Nanase, are you serious?”

“I was kidding. Please, go — I’m really tired.”

“Fucking liar”, Sousuke hisses, and before he knows it, Haruka is on his back again, but this time, Sousuke’s straddling him, and their faces are too close. Haru frowns and looks to his side.

“Get off of me, Yamazaki.”

Suddenly they’re both back to last names, and it hurts. It shows that they’ve once again distanced themselves from each other, and all it took was some alcohol and a small argument that blew out of proportion way too fast. Making a chicken out of a feather? How about an entire chicken coop?

“No.” Suddenly, Sousuke seems almost completely sober. Haru feels panic creep up on him now that he has no way of escaping.

“Please go. I don’t… want to talk about this.”

“But _I_ do! Fuck, Nanase… why did you do this? Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have done this with you, to you, if I knew—“

“That’s why I didn’t say anything!” Haruka bristles, and Sousuke flinches on top of him. “I didn’t say anything… because I didn’t want to lose this. Lose you.”

Sousuke might've just as well asked why Haru had to go and make things more complicated, to make it even more cliché than it already is. To put even more blame on Haru for having screwed himself over to hell and back.

The other man sighs with a frown adorning his face. Haru hates seeing him like this, and he hates it even more because he knows he caused it. “Since when?”

“Sousuke, please—“

“ _Since when?!_ ” Sousuke repeats, this time with more force, and Haru knows that there’s no escaping this situation he’s put himself in. So he sighs and accepts his fate.

“About a year,” Haruka whispers, teeth clenched in frustration and mortification. He's still refusing to meet Sousuke’s glare. “Are you happy now? Can you get off?”

Right now, Haru wants to do nothing but jump off a bridge and not survive the fall. He wasn’t really planning on making this night a memorable one, but it seems like it’ll become a memory he won’t soon forget, and for all the wrong reasons, too.

The silence drives him mad, and it makes him even more agitated knowing that he can’t escape it with Sousuke still sitting on top of him and pinning him down to the floor. Eventually, Sousuke speaks again, and he seems to have calmed down a bit.

“You know, Haru… I could probably… learn to love you. I mean, there isn’t anything about you  _not_  to like, so why not? And it’d work out for the both of us. I’d get rid of my feelings for my best friend, and you’d get to… be with me. More than just as a fuckbuddy, I mean.”

Whatever kind of pills Sousuke's hopped up on, Haru's very interested in getting in contact with his dealer, because he could definitely need some of that self confidence bordering on hubris for himself.

“Well, _someone's_ got a bad case of hubris, huh. Do you think I want to be your second choice? Your _plan B_?! Think again, Sousuke. I don’t want this, I never asked for these feelings. I don’t want you to force yourself to like me just because I like you, because that’s not genuine. I won’t be able to be with you like that, knowing you did it just to get over Rin. How do you think that makes  _me_  feel?”

Sousuke goes silent, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. Haru’s amazed by the fact that he hasn’t cried yet, even though he’s under the influence of alcohol. The taller man gets off, and Haru sits up, hugging himself. He’s still tipsy, and on top of that, a headache is slowly but surely settling in.

“I’m sorry, Haru. I— I wouldn’t think of you as a second choice. Really, I don’t know _why_ I don’t love you, the way we’ve been for the past few months.”

“We’ve never even kissed, so that’s a given.”

Like prostitutes, because it’d break a code. Well, that certainly fits their little arrangement, doesn’t it?

Sousuke turns to look at him, and Haru immediately looks down. A sigh is heard in the silence of the room. “Is that what defines love for you? _Kissing?_ ”

“No, but think for yourself. What we’ve been doing is stuff that don’t really… make people fall in love.”

And yet, Haru had fallen head over heels for Sousuke. To be fair, he’d liked Sousuke since before they made this arrangement, so it probably doesn’t count, anyway. Even so, having been in this weird thing with Sousuke has only worsened things and made him fall even harder. So maybe he should’ve cut things off before it got this bad, but it’s always easy to look back at things in hindsight and think of what you could’ve done, instead of acting in the present.

“Listen, if I could make things different, I would. I know it sounds like you’re my plan B when I say this… but that’s not what I want you to think. I _want_ to get over Rin, because I don’t want to like him. I want to be with someone who wants me, you know?”

 _Oh, I know all too well_ , Haru thinks bitterly. He’s had to endure seeing Sousuke pining for Rin all this time, of course he’d know. Even Makoto had managed to find out his feelings for Sousuke, but of course he would — it’s Makoto. Makoto can read Haru like an open book, which he greatly dislikes but after countless tries still hasn’t been able to do anything about.

They’ve known each other since they were in elementary school, and Makoto’s scarily good at reading people. Thankfully, Haruka’s somehow been able to keep his arrangement with Sousuke a secret, but he wonders how much longer it would be a secret.

“I want… to be with you. Because you get me,” Sousuke continues, and Haru just snorts.

“Whatever. There’s nothing to do about it, so we should just… stop this.”

It’s difficult to say, and he hates himself for saying these words. To end one of the very few things that are actually keeping him sane nowadays. But since his secret is out, there’s no way they’ll be able to continue the way they have been for so long. Haru would hate having to deal with Sousuke feeling guilty whenever they’d have sex from now on, so this is for the best.

“Stop? What— wait, _completely_?”

“Yes.”

His chest hurts, and his eyelids are burning. Haru wants to just go to bed and forget all about this evening that wasn’t even supposed to be much of anything at all. He was supposed to be sketching and half-watching TV for a while before going to bed way earlier than he usually would. And then Sousuke had to text him. And then this had to happen.

“So… are we just gonna stop hanging out altogether?”

 _I don’t think I’d be able to hang out with you normally after this_ , Haru thinks but refuses to say out loud. “I don’t know”, he says instead.

“Am I forbidden to talk to you if I see you out on the street?”

“I don’t know! I… don’t know anything. All I know is that I can’t… keep doing this with you anymore. Especially not since you now know. It wouldn’t work.”

Sousuke rubs the back of his neck and averts his gaze. “Yeah, I’d feel terrible if I did that to you. But… what if I  _did_  fall in love with you? Would you still not want me?”

“How drunk  _are_  you? I told you I don’t want to be your—“

“—plan B, right? I already said that’s not what you’d be. I… I want to love you, Haru. I really do. So can you give me a chance to sort my head out for a while?”

“Don’t you  _dare_ force yourself to like me, Yamazaki”, Haru hisses between gritted teeth. “I don’t want to be with someone who did a thing like that. Would _you_? Would you be able to live with the knowledge that they forced themselves to love you just to get over someone else?”

“If they truly learnt to love me, then yeah.”

Haruka sighs and shakes his head. “You haven’t been in my shoes, so you don’t have the right to talk. I want you to leave, because I want to sleep and forget that this ever happened. It’s late, and I’m really tired.”

Sure, it isn’t late — clock hasn't even struck midnight yet, and it's New Year's Eve — but he is tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically. He almost wishes he was a hibernating animal so he could go to sleep for a few months, and then wake up again as if nothing happened. Surely things would’ve blown over by then.

Sousuke opens his mouth to protest, but he actually doesn’t, in the end. Instead, he gets up from the floor and — albeit on unsteady feet — makes his way out into the hallway to put on his jacket and shoes. Haru doesn’t follow, but sits on the floor in the living room while his unexpected guest prepares to leave.

“I’ll see you around, then. If you want to”, Sousuke says, and the way he says it makes Haru’s heart split in two. Sousuke isn’t sure of whether or not they’ll actually see each other again, and of course he isn’t, because neither is Haruka himself.

Haru watches the door close behind Sousuke, and when it closes, he makes his way out into the hallway to lock the door. He doesn’t bother cleaning up in the living room, but goes straight into the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. He tells himself that the longer he leaves the living room like that, the longer the memory of Sousuke might stay there, with it possibly being the last time Sousuke was ever in there.

When his head hits the pillow, all of his bottled up emotions spill out in the form of tears. He curls into a foetal position and tries to make the terrible ache in the pit of his stomach go away, but his efforts are in vain.

Haru doesn’t get much sleep that night, but it isn’t as if he was expecting to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto drives Haru into a corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all _so_ much for the comments you've written on these chapters so far, for leaving kudos, for subscribing, and reading this fic in general. I'm so surprised at how quickly this thing gained attention, and super glad people seem to be enjoying the story so far, despite its gut-punching and heart-wrenching angst. Thank you for sticking with me, and I hope to have you along for the rest of the ride (down into hell)! ❤

His days seem to pass slower after his so-called break up with Sousuke, on top of the argument with both Makoto and Rin. Haru finds himself having random bouts of frustration which make him more prone to crumpling whatever sketch he's working on, and throwing it into the bin, or sometimes having to step out of the pastry shop to gather himself before he screams out loud. The fact that he knows what's causing it makes him even more frustrated than he'd be if he  _didn't_ know, because even if he knows what the reason is, he doesn't know how to make all of this go away.

Makoto and Rin had both come over to apologise for their behaviour the other day, and as usual, Haru just shrugged it off despite still feeling a bit hurt and annoyed about it. It was better to just let it go, and to see if the two of them were able to do the same thing as well.

Whenever he works at the pastry shop, he’s for the most part unable to concentrate, too. Makoto knows something’s wrong, but as usual, he doesn’t say anything about it and just lets Haru go on about his business as usual. Rin, however, is of a completely different calibre than his boyfriend.

“What the fuck is going  _on_  with you lately, Haru?” Rin demands, standing on Haruka’s doorstep. He’s tempted to slam the door shut in Rin’s face, but resists the urge despite finding what Rin's doing incredibly rude and unwelcome. Haru doesn’t want to have this conversation, not now, not ever, but he knows he won’t be able to squirm his way out of it no matter how hard he tries.

Without even having invited Rin, his friend marches his way inside and sits down by the kotatsu. Haru doesn’t have to think twice to know that Rin wants him to join, so he does, albeit reluctantly.

“Talk. I know something’s up, and unlike Makoto, I’m going to confront you about it. I know I was hard on you the other day, and for that, I apologise. But this isn't about that, this is something completely different. Something's... _wrong_ , and we're worried, both Makoto and I. We both care about you, you know.”

“I know that,” Haru says. “But it’s nothing big. I— guess I just feel a little out of it lately. Seasonal depression maybe.”

Rin snorts and crosses his arms. “I don’t buy it. And to hell with 'seasonal depression' — what even _is_ that? If that were a thing, I think we'd  _all_ have it. So what, you can’t trust me enough to tell me the truth, is that it?”

Haru feels like he’s had a similar conversation recently with someone he doesn’t want to think about right now. He frowns down at his clenched fists in his lap and exhales slowly. “I _do_ trust you”, he replies, but of course, that’s not even close to a satisfying answer to Rin.

“But?”

“But like I said, it’s nothing. I’m just having an off month or something.”

Rin clicks his tongue, and Haru’s chest feels tight. This conversation automatically makes his mind wander towards Sousuke, which isn’t a welcome consequence. It’s been two weeks since they last saw and talked to each other, but he feels like it’s been more like two _months_.

"You know, I've confided in you several times during our years together, and I want you to do the same in me. You think I'd tell anyone?"

Haru raises an eyebrow. "You'd tell Makoto. Don't tell me you wouldn't, because we both know that's a lie."

Rin rolls his eyes, and crosses his arms. "If you  _really_  don't want me to tell him, then I won't. I just want to know what's been literally eating you alive from the inside. I don't want to lose—"

"You won't," Haru cuts off. "Just trust me. I'm... dealing with it. It isn't anything dangerous to my health" — well, mental, maybe — "and it'll... blow over soon. I promise. I'm sorry if I've worried you, but I'm figuring things out."

"Is this about your parents?"

Haru nearly chokes on his saliva, but thankfully manages to control himself. If only Rin knew he'd just given Haru the perfect excuse to get out of a conversation he definitely doesn't want to have with Rin, who's got a pretty big role in this entire thing. To be honest, he barely ever thinks about his parents anymore. And when he does, all he feels is bitterness and anger — there isn't even an ounce of sorrow or grief over the fact that they aren't around despite being alive. Well, as far as he knows, they  _could_ be dead, but he would've probably heard something if that were the case.

"Yeah. Yeah, I just... think about them sometimes," Haru lies, trying to sound like he  _isn't_ lying through his teeth to one of his best friends. "And it's been coming to me a lot recently. I don't know why, but I'm getting over it. So... don't worry. I'll get over it, I promise."

Rin sighs. "Fine, okay. Just... just know that we're here for you. If you ever wanna talk, I mean."

Haru nods slowly, and that’s the end of that short conversation, thankfully.

Well, that’s what he thinks until Makoto actually comes over to visit him a few days later, eight missed calls and eleven unread messages still in his phone.

“I haven’t told Rin yet, but I think you should talk to Sousuke.”

Haru frowns at his friend’s choice of words. “'Yet'? Are you going to?”

Makoto shrugs helplessly and fidgets with his collar. “I don’t know what to do. I really want to help you and get you in a better mood—“

“Then don’t do anything,” he snaps. “I don’t  _need_  help, I already told Rin this. It’ll blow over soon, just like everything else does. I haven’t seen him in weeks, and I’m actually starting to feel a little better.”

 _Oh, if only that were true_.

“Haru… you know you won’t find out how he feels about you unless you tell him how you feel about him first.”

He winces. It’s getting more and more difficult to hide the fact that Haru and Sousuke used to be in a sex-only kind of relationship because Sousuke needed to take out his frustration on someone because of his feelings for Rin — and because Haru wanted to just be close to Sousuke in general. There’s nothing to find out when it comes to how Sousuke feels; Haru already knows very well how he feels.

“I’m not going to tell him anything,” he mumbles. “It’s better if I don’t see him. In time, I’ll forget.”

“What if you don’t?”

“I will,” he tries to tell both himself and Makoto, but he knows at least one of them isn’t going to believe his words.

 

* * *

 

Staying away from Sousuke means more disadvantages than the opposite, Haru realises, as he for probably the third time in a week and a half finds himself biting down on the knuckles on his left hand to muffle his cry as he fires his orgasm into the toilet. With a sigh, he flushes and goes to get undressed and take a very, very cold shower.

This is obviously not the _only_ disadvantage. Haru has difficulty sleeping, because the thought of sleeping in general makes him just want to stay awake. If he’s awake, he can’t sleep. If he’s not sleeping, he isn't dreaming. And dreams are dangerous to him in this state, as they can plant false hope in him, create scenarios in his head that’ll never happen. Maybe he should call them nightmares instead, but the thing is that they wouldn’t necessarily be scary or bad, just impossible and too good to be true.

As a result of this, and many other things, Haru develops a terrible, pounding tension headache that he can’t get rid of no matter what he does. Makoto tells him it’s probably because he’s under some kind of stress — “probably emotional” — and that he needs to immerse himself with things that takes his mind off of it. Like  _that’s_  such an easy thing to do. Makoto doesn’t know jack, but it isn’t as if Haru’s offering to help him understand, either, so he’s probably partly to blame for that, too.

Usually when Makoto’s over, things aren’t uncomfortably silent. Haru tends to like the silence around them, knowing it doesn’t need to be filled with pointless banter and small-talk. They’ve never really needed that, but maybe that comes with being friends since you were in elementary school. But today is one of those days where Haru so desperately wants to escape the deafening silence, because it drives him up the wall, and he knows why it’s there in the first place.

He doesn’t know whether to be relieved or frustrated when Makoto finally breaks said silence, though.

“Haru… you have to do something about this. You can’t go on like this. Up until today, I haven’t seen or heard from you in a week. And I thought that it might’ve just been you needing some space, so I gave it to you, because I know this must be difficult. But… I can’t just stand by and watch you crumble apart like this anymore. I know there’s something you’re hiding from me, and I want you to tell me.”

Haruka hugs his knees to his chest and buries his face between his kneecaps. Slowly but surely, he  _does_  crumble, and big, ugly tears roll down his cheeks, accompanied by him sniffling. Two strong arms embrace him, and he's secretly relieved. Haru's kind of craved this sort of intimacy for a while, and for Makoto to be the one to give it to him when he needs it the most is the only thing that makes sense. The only thing he can accept right now. He's exhausted from having to hold all of this in for so long that it's relieving to cry.

“Please talk to me, Haru. I’m worried about you; I know there’s something you’re hiding but feel like you can’t talk about. You  _can_  talk to me.”

“No, I can’t,” Haru croaks. “I can’t tell you.”

How would Makoto react if he heard everything? That Haru agreed to having sex with Sousuke every now and then, because Sousuke has feelings for Rin but knows they’re unrequited and wants to let his aggressions out? That Haru’s had feelings for Sousuke since way before they started having sex, and that he’d up until recently used the sex with Sousuke as a way of staying close to him?

Of course Makoto’s going to react badly to it. And whatever bad way it is, Haru knows he doesn’t want to be there to see the impact. Makoto rarely shows any emotion other than happiness since he’s got a bad habit of bottling it all up inside — similar to Haru — but when he does, it can be really scary or heartbreaking. He’s sure that seeing Makoto angry again would only make him want to run, again, and he doesn’t know if their friendship would survive a second blow like that.

He hugs his knees tighter to his chest, and Makoto still doesn’t let go of him. All Haru wants is for Makoto to leave him alone, but he’s growing increasingly aware of the fact that it probably won’t happen until he’s talked about what’s having him cry. Haru absolutely _hates_ crying, but he’s glad Makoto’s the one to see it and not someone else. Like Sousuke, for instance. A dumb part of him wonders just how Sousuke would react to him crying, but it isn't anything he ever wants to find out.

"Please, Haru, I'm worried about you," Makoto begs, and Haru sighs shakily, giving up. If he sends Makoto home like this, he knows that even if Makoto doesn't tell Rin explicitly, Rin will figure out something's wrong, and then  _he'll_ be the one sitting in Haru's living room, once again coming uninvited. And Rin is ten times more difficult to deal with than Makoto. He's right between the devil and the deep blue sea — neither of which options he wants to pick, but knows he has to.

“If I _do_ talk, you… you can’t tell Rin. Absolutely not. Not even if I’m dead.”

Makoto recoils. “Haru, don’t say things like that. Did something... happen to you?”

Haru absolutely hates the tone in Makoto’s voice. Like he pities Haru, like he knows exactly what Haru’s going through. Makoto has a bad habit of doing that, and it drives Haru up the wall. Of course, with him still not liking confrontations all that much, he’s stayed quiet on it during all these years, and he doesn’t plan on saying anything, either.

“Nothing happened”, he lies. Well, not in that sense, at least. Makoto probably thinks Sousuke’s been threatening Haru again, been intimidating like he used to be back in the day when he wanted to defend Rin, keep Rin away from Haru. Honestly, it kind of pisses Haru off just how much Sousuke’s changed from how he was back then. He would’ve preferred if Sousuke stayed the same way, if he stayed aggressive, cold, distant. That way, Haru probably wouldn’t have fallen so easily for him.

What will Makoto do when he finds out about his and Sousuke’s arrangement? What if _Rin_ found out? Most certainly, this would destroy probably all of their friendships, but Haru almost frets it could affect Makoto’s relationship with Rin, too. And if it did, he’d never be able to forgive himself. It’d be his fault, partially, and it definitely wouldn’t be the first time he’s ruined something.

“Did Sousuke do something to you?”

And there it is. Yes, of course Makoto’s still stuck in the past, because Haruka hasn’t told even his best friend about just how much Sousuke’s changed since then. How Sousuke’s become almost too kind, so much that Haru thinks that if past Sousuke were to meet the present one, present Sousuke would walk away with a black eye and probably other injuries. It pisses off Haruka, too, the way Sousuke’s just matured almost _too_  much.

If only things hadn’t continued past that time Sousuke had pushed him up against a vending machine at ITSC Returns, and threatened him. If only he hadn’t gotten himself more involved with Sousuke after that, then maybe, just maybe, he would’ve been able to live a normal life by now.

“He didn’t… do anything to me,” Haruka responds, teeth gritted and his eyebrows lowered.“He's... he's not _like_ that anymore, we're... on good terms. And I’ve barely even met him as is.”

It honestly hurts him to lie this much to his best friend, but he’s got no other way of going about it. If he wants to keep his friendship with Makoto intact, and all other relationships the way they are, this is the way he has to do it. He has to lie through his teeth and hope Makoto keeps buying his lies. It’s a dumb, naïve approach that’ll only result in Makoto finding out eventually — but Haru wants to delay that for as long as he can.

“Haru, I… I don’t think that’s entirely true,” Makoto replies. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t be like this. There’s obviously something else you're not telling me.”

Without missing a beat, Haru bites back, his tears and sorrow all but forgotten. “You don’t know what it’s _like_ , because you’ve never been in my situation. You and Rin were meant to be, and things were a fairy tale for you. That’s not how my life works, how  _any_ of this works. I don’t need your help, or your pity—“

“I don’t pity you, Haru.”

“—all I want is for you to promise you won’t tell Rin. Promise me. Otherwise I can't tell you, and you might as well go home.”

Makoto’s eyes widen, and he opens his mouth like he’s about to protest, to make things even harder on Haru than they already are. He knows he’s going to regret this; if Sousuke finds out that he’s told Makoto, he’s never going to want to see Haru again. But he’s driven himself into this corner, and he’s the only one who can get himself out of there, too. And this is how.

“Okay," Makoto finally replies, slowly, as if he’s still debating on whether or not this is a good idea. He separates himself from Haru, and sighs. “I won’t tell Rin, I promise.”

So Haru finally talks. He tells Makoto about his arrangement with Sousuke that had begun about a year ago, and why they were in it to begin with. And even though Makoto looks like he wants to interrupt Haru several times throughout his story, he doesn’t, and Haru’s grateful for it. Haru also tells Makoto about the thing Sousuke had suggested after he found out about Haruka’s feelings, even though that was something he would’ve preferred to take with him to his grave. It's better to lay out all of the cards on the table, so Makoto won't have to find the ace he's hiding in his sleeve later on. Except said ace won't win him the game; it'll only lead to his demise if he doesn't come clean now.

When he finishes talking, he leans back against the wall and lets out a long sigh, closing his eyes. Really, he doesn’t have anything to lose if Makoto keeps his mouth shut, as long as Rin doesn't find out. So what if Sousuke finds out that Haru told Makoto? That won’t change much in their current relationship, or whatever it is they have. It’d all be for the better, probably — and eventually, maybe Makoto would forget about it, or at least come to terms with Haru’s ugly secret.

Maybe then, things would go back to normal, or at least a state that even remotely resembles the one he'd been in before all of this happened.

"Haru", Makoto begins, and Haru prepares for the lecture of the century, "I'm not really one to talk here because I don't know how you feel or what it must be like, but... I don't want you to jump at an opportunity just because it's presented to you. I don't want you to get hurt. Just... think things through properly, okay? It sounds like he truly means it with the way you're talking, but—"

"—you wouldn't take the bait without examining it first", Haru interrupts, finishing Makoto's sentence for him. "I get it, and I wouldn't. I don't even _want_ to be with him, the way things are now."

"What if things change? What if Sousuke really  _does_  start to like you?"

"I don't know," Haru replies honestly. Because he doesn't. He knows Makoto's just speaking hypothetically, throwing out the 'what if' since there actually is one there staring Haru right in the face. It's a wonderful, dangerous and poisonous 'what if', but a 'what if' nonetheless, and for Makoto needs to be spoken out loud. Even if Haru himself would say that it's never going to happen — because as much as he tries to tell himself he doesn't want it to, he still does, deep inside.

Haru's impressed with the growth Makoto's experienced in the past few years, having originally been terrified of confrontation and always bottled up his worries and feelings in favour of not hurting anyone. Of course, that had ended up with Makoto eventually bursting like a soda bottle that's been shaken carelessly, and the two of them had their very first fight in their last year of high school.

"Well, I just want you to think carefully about it so you won't regret your decision. I don't want you to get hurt, Haru."

Haru waves his friend off dismissively, impatiently. Sometimes he's glad that Makoto cares, but sometimes he can care a little  _too_  much, almost as if he doesn't think Haruka can take care of himself. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself — well, okay, it could be argued at times, but still — and has been ever since his parents left him pretty much to his own devices at a young age. If anyone should know Haru can take care of himself, it's Makoto.

That of course doesn't mean he doesn't want to be taken care of every now and then. There's really only one person he wants to do that for him, but he's probably not on top of that person's list of people he wants to take care of. Even if he's now magically ended up in second place because Sousuke wants a plan B, Haru isn't satisfied with it. Only first place is good enough.

But seeing as that'll never happen unless it's forced upon Sousuke, Haru keeps on daydreaming.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru decides to get a change of scenery to clear his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inconsistent word count per chapter? Me? No, what're you talking about? (nervous laughter)

Some sort of miracle must’ve happened in the end, because Haru’s pastry shop does exceptionally well, and he ends up with a lot more in profit than he usually does. It feels like his little shop is finally gaining some proper recognition by the people of Iwatobi, and that he’s now become somewhat of a competition amongst other coffee shops in the area.

With a slightly heavier wallet resting in his pocket, Haru feels like he should try and at least go out and get some fresh air, see some people, and do something that doesn’t mean sitting at home moping about. No offence to those working in his pastry shop, but they're not really people Haru could see himself hanging out with outside of work.

So on a Friday night after turning down an offer to race Rin at their old swim club for what already feels like the umpteenth time that week, Haru decides to go for a night out at a club he’s never been to before, in the eastern part of Iwatobi. It’s a small town, but thankfully it’s a part neither of his friends tend to visit very often. The bars and shops aren’t as nice there, but Haru really doesn’t mind. All he wants is to get away from what he sees every day, anyway, and this is definitely not something he sees very often.

Having decided on one of the most discreet-looking and least crowded bars, Haru goes inside and sits down by the bar with a sigh. There’s a guy sitting on the far end with a glass of whiskey, and Haru guesses he must be having a rather rough night, too. Why else do people come to bars alone to drink?

“You want something or are you just gonna sit there?” the bartender asks as he comes to stand in front of Haruka. He gives the list in front of him on the counter top a quick glance.

“An apple martini, thanks.”

The heavily tattooed bartender snorts, but he makes one as he’s told. Haru doesn’t really care whether or not that drink is suited for ‘someone like him’; he’s not a beer or whiskey person, and he doesn’t feel like having wine. Even if his wallet is a little thicker than it usually is, he doesn’t want to spend all of his money on alcohol.

His first sip is a little strong, but it’s also very refreshing, somehow. While he occasionally sips on his drink, Haru surveys the little bar he’s ended up in. The décor is a little shoddy; it’s obvious that not a lot of thought was put into it when they opened the place. But for being so run-down, the bar counter is kept surprisingly clean, and the bartender keeps going back and forth with a rag over it. Hopefully that rag isn't one that has been used for a week straight, and that it's actually switched out regularly. Haru decides to shove his clean freak aside for just one night, and turns his gaze out the window.

Haru finds his mind once again wandering off to forbidden areas, despite how much he’s tried to prevent it. He wonders if this is how he’s going to try and cope with him missing Sousuke, and with trying to eventually get over the other man. How do other people do it? Haru doesn’t really have anyone to ask, as they’re still with their first boy- or girlfriend, and thus don’t have much experience.

The lack of vibrations going through his phone still in his pocket is nice; he turned it off just before he left the house, and it certainly helps to keep his anxiety levels low. Even though he knows Makoto only means well, sometimes his best friend can get a little too worrisome and try to fix things maybe not even Haruka can take care of.

He doesn’t even want to know what Rin would say if he were to answer when he’s calling. Probably just yell about how he’s being selfish for not letting people try and help him, how he should stop shutting people out of his life because ‘he should be glad they at least care’. After all this time, Haru has gotten pretty good at guessing how Rin would react in certain situations, and he’s pretty sure he’s right on the money on this one, or at least close to.

Haruka finishes his drink and puts down the money he owes the bartender for it, and when he gets up from his stool to leave, the door opens. A tall man walks inside; broad shoulders fit for a swimmer — butterfly, most definitely, but Haru knows this man isn't swimming anymore — dark-brown hair tucked under a cap that covers his eyes. Haru already knows that those eyes are of a beautiful teal colour that he’s admired so many times before, a set of eyes he’s terrified of once again getting lost in.

When the man seems to spot him, he stops in his tracks. Haru can’t even bring himself to move, to open his mouth to say anything. What would he say? It isn’t as if he has anything to say to Sousuke after all this time, because he’s already told Sousuke all he has to know.

Eventually, Sousuke’s lips slowly part, and Haru holds his breath. He feels as if time’s standing still, and that everything around them has completely frozen in motion. Of course it hasn’t, that would be dumb. But maybe convenient, if it were possible.

“Haru…” Sousuke says, and Haru feels as if he’s going to either vomit or pass out. Maybe even both, if possible, but preferably not here. He needs to get out of there, he needs to run and never look back. Is he going to be able to? Haru doubts it. He hates to admit it, but Sousuke's got that kind of power over Haru that makes him hesitant on turning his back on the other, no matter how much he wants to and maybe even should.

“I can’t believe this,” he breathes, and Sousuke raises his eyebrows.

“Believe what?”

Haru averts his gaze and looks down at his feet. “I went here because I didn’t want to see anyone I knew. And then you came.”

Sousuke actually chuckles, but there isn’t any joy in it; it’s empty, dark, and monotone, and it sends uncomfortable chills down Haru’s spine. “Well, I guess we were thinking similarly, then.”

This can’t be happening, Haru thinks. What were the chances? He would’ve liked to think they were less than zero, but he probably should’ve gone to a bar in a neighbouring town instead if he wanted it to be that way.

“I was just about to leave, anyway, so you can stay,” he mutters. He tries to walk past Sousuke, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out it wouldn’t be that easy for him to leave.

“Wait. Can we talk somewhere?” A hand wraps around Haru's wrist, and he stops. Funny how his first instinct had been to wriggle out of Makoto's grip when he'd done the same thing to Haru way back when, and now that Sousuke's grabbed a hold of him, all he can do is just stand there.

Haru turns and glares up at Sousuke. “There’s nothing to talk about. Let me get out of here.”

“There  _is_  something to talk about!” Sousuke bellows, which makes Haru flinch. He looks to the side, and sees that the guy who sat by the bar is glancing at them weirdly. Of course he would, with Sousuke being loud and attracting attention to himself.

“Oi, stop yelling in my bar or get the fuck out,” the bartender warns Sousuke, who responds with a snort.

“You’ll have to  _kick_  me out for me to leave,” he bites back as if to challenge the bartender, and of course, that’s more than enough. The bartender points at the door behind them with a look that says he’ll probably call the police if they don’t get out right now, so they do.

 

* * *

 

Haru stands on the pavement, shoving his hands into his pockets. It isn’t cold out, but he’s still trembling ever so slightly, and he hates himself for it. Not daring to look up at the other man, he stubbornly keeps his gaze to the ground and his feet. Paying a little too much attention to his shoelaces. They're unevenly tied, he notices, but obviously can't just bend down and readjust them right here.

“Didn’t mean to get you kicked out as well,” Sousuke murmurs. Haru shrugs.

“Yeah, well.”  _You still did. And here we are._

And then they just stand there, purposedly avoiding to look at each other and Haru refusing to say a word. He told Sousuke so himself; there isn’t anything more to say, except there is, and there’s too much of it for Haru to let Sousuke listen to without having to kill him afterwards. There might be a lot for him to say, but it isn’t something he wants to talk about.

He breathes out slowly, hoping that Sousuke doesn’t hear the slight tremble. “I’m leaving.”

Sousuke turns to him, he hears it in the way the gravel moves under his feet, the way his feet are suddenly in Haru’s vision, still aimed at the ground, aimed at his own feet.

“Wait,” Sousuke says, his thumb and index finger gripping Haru’s shirt. He frowns. “Can’t we just… talk?”

“We’ve never been ones to talk”, Haru says, and he doesn’t just mean because they’ve been in a strict sex-only relationship up until a few weeks ago. They’re both men of few words, and maybe that’s why what they had worked so well until things broke. Because they didn’t need all those words, they didn’t need all those things other couples seem to desperately seek for.

Maybe that’s because they weren’t in an actual relationship with feelings involved — at least from Sousuke’s side — and that’s why things managed to go on for as long as they did. Sure, Haru may have been jealous of the fact that the one to occupy Sousuke’s thoughts the majority of the time was Rin, but he’d gone into this thing knowing that.

“I know that, but I want to change that, too,” Sousuke replies. “I want us to talk. Communicate, really.”

“Okay. Then talk.”

He’s mainly doing it just to test Sousuke out, to see how far he’s planned this thing. And knowing Sousuke, he probably doesn’t have a plan as for how he wants things to go from here, so Haru’s pretty sure he’ll be able to leave soon.

But then there’s the slight possibility that Sousuke might shock him.

“I know it’d probably be difficult for you to believe if I ended up actually loving you,” Sousuke begins, “but I want to try. Because I… I know I already _have_ feelings for you. And it’s not just because we were fuckbuddies, but because… fuck, because I guess I’ve had them despite that.”

“And why are you only realising that now? Because it’d be convenient, or just so I'd agree to your request?”

Haru’s aware of the fact that his voice is literally dripping with venom poisonous to kill a man right now, but he doesn’t feel like he has the need to change it, lessen the blow in his words. Why should he? He’s got nothing to be sorry for besides maybe having fallen for Sousuke in the first place. But even that’s not something he feels like apologising for at this point.

“Because I’ve gotten my head out of my ass and started to figure out what I really want.”

“Yeah, you want someone who loves you back," Haru scoffs. "That’s why you don’t want Rin anymore. But if Rin said he loved you, if he dumped Makoto — you’d go to him, no questions asked, right?”

“No,” Sousuke says, and his expressions tells Haru he means it, though he doesn’t want to believe it. “I couldn’t, not after everything that’s happened.”

“And you expect  _me_  to accept you with open arms despite everything. Good thinking as always, Yamazaki”, he says with a sarcastic roll of his eyes. Actually, he feels like the more he’s arguing with Sousuke about this, the more he seems to fall  _out_  of love. But he also knows he can’t keep going forever, because that certainly won’t make things better. Maybe worse, and that’s not what he wants or needs.

"What would it take for you to believe me?" Sousuke asks, and Haru holds back a snort. Is this guy serious? Does he think it'll be that easy for Haru to just forget everything that led them up to this point, the fact that Sousuke's been madly in love with someone else for at least as long as Haru's had feelings for Sousuke? Talk about naïve. Haru though he was the naïve one out of the two, feeling like he's had his head above the clouds for so long that he'd soon pass out in lack of oxygen.

"I don't know. I don't even know if I want to be with you even if you forgot all about your feelings for Rin."

Sousuke looks at him with a look of dejection, and then he looks up at the darkening evening sky with a long sigh rushing out of his lungs. He laughs a bitter laugh. "I'm always too late. First with Rin, and now you. Bad luck never leaves my side, it seems."

Is Haru supposed to feel sorry for him here, take Sousuke into his arms, and say that he isn't too late, and that there's still a chance? Not even Haru knows whether there's still a chance for them. And no, he doesn't feel sorry for Sousuke. Sure, Haru isn't without fault, either — he's been as much at fault for making things the way they are right now as Sousuke is. But he still refuses to give in, refuses to let Sousuke near him to tear down the walls he's carefully built up brick by brick for the past few weeks.

So he turns around with a little sigh, and clenches his fist. "Don't try to make me feel bad about this, Yamazaki; I'm not falling for it."

Before Sousuke has a chance to retort and possibly defend his idiotic ramblings, Haru walks away, heading back home again. He's pretty sure that the look he saw on Sousuke's face before he turned around to leave is one that'll stay etched onto his retinas for days from now.

When he's safely inside his house again, Haru takes his phone out of the pocket and deletes Sousuke's number. When his thumb lifts from the screen, Haru's legs give out, and he falls down onto the floor, his knees hitting with a hard thud, phone falling out of his hand as well.

Well, so much for getting a change of scenery.

 

* * *

 

Whilst still trying to balance work and what little social life he has, Haru finds himself increasingly annoyed by how many messages he receives from Sousuke in the span of a week and a few days. He reads them, but then deletes them as if they never came to him in the first place.

 **YAMAZAKI, SOUSUKE, Monday, 2:47 PM** :  _I can't stop thinking about you. I know it's probably dumb of me to tell you this, but I have to._

 

 **YAMAZAKI, SOUSUKE, Monday, 4:13 PM** :  _I'm sorry._

 

 **YAMAZAKI, SOUSUKE, Monday, 7:24 PM** :  _Please say something. Even if it's a 'ok'. I don't care._

  
At this point, Haru gets so frustrated and upset by just seeing Sousuke's name that he deletes his number. Naïve as he is, Haruka actually believes it'll help. But of course, that doesn't stop the messages from coming in. Maybe he should've just blocked the number instead? No, Haru hasn't reached that point of frustration and great dislike for Sousuke. Yet. He hopes he will, though.

 **UNKNOWN, Tuesday, 12:25 PM** :  _This is probably even dumber of me to say, and over text, too, but I really do have feelings for you. And I think I have all along, but of course Rin had to be in the way. Ironic, huh. I can't believe I used to think you two had the complete opposite roles._

 

 **UNKNOWN, Tuesday, 11:53 PM** :  _You're probably not even reading these, are you?_

 

 **UNKNOWN, Friday, 5:38 PM** :  _No, I know you ARE reading these. You would've called and told me to stop otherwise. Well, this isn't anything out of the ordinary. I just wish you would say SOMETHING at least._

 

You would've thought Sousuke might have learnt to take a hint by now, but Haru's found out long ago that this man is slower than most other people he knows. Even Rin, and that's a very bad case of being slow. Since when was Sousuke this persistent? Does he treat all of his potential replacement boyfriends like this? Stubborn as Haru is, though, he isn't falling for it, but just clicks through the messages when they arrive. At work when there isn't much to do, when he's lying curled up under the kotatsu blanket either lazily drawing in his sketchpad or watching TV, even when he's in the bath.

So one day when he's just done with the dishes, Haru's body moves on autopilot, his brain having disconnected sometime ago. Probably days, even; he doesn't really have any sort of recollection of what's happened in the past few days, if he's to be completely honest with himself. Hands still wet, he takes the phone up from the counter beside him and stares emptily at the newest message in his inbox. His eyes are barely even moving as he's reading the message — he's not even sure he's properly  _reading_ it more than just seeing the text in front of his eyes — and then he feels his hand pull on the tap again to fill up the sink with water.

With the rubber cover for the sink drain already plugged in, he watches the water fill up almost halfway, and then he holds his hand out—

The phone drops down with a plop, and Haru absent-mindedly watches it sink, slowly, and then it hits the bottom. It feels strangely metaphoric. The display is still on, the message showing. Even though it's titled "UNKNOWN", they might've just as well plastered his name all over said message, because Haru doesn't have to guess who's sending him all of these messages.

 **UNKNOWN, Tuesday, 8:43 PM** :  _Haruka... I miss you._

 

His eye twitches at the first word, at his first name being spelled out, and for it to be by none other than Sousuke. No one calls him that, not even his parents. It's always been Haru, sometimes with the -chan attached to the end without his permission, but still always Haru, never Haruka. Whenever someone's called him that, he's told them off, corrected them into using the shortened form, because he didn't like it.

What pisses him off the most is that now when Sousuke's typed it out, he can clearly hear Sousuke's voice in his head saying it, and he actually likes the imaginary sound of it. They've barely seen each other in what must be nearly two months now, except for that night the other week, but he barely even remembers what happened. All he does remember is the raw emotion he saw in those teal eyes — seriously, who has teal eyes to begin with? They have to be contacts, right? — and the way Sousuke's voice was so soft, softer than he thinks it'd be if Sousuke were to gush about his love for Rin. And that scares him.

Haruka leaves the kitchen, turning off the light as he goes. When he wakes up the next day around noon, he's surprised his alarm hasn't gone off. He's reminded by it when he walks into the kitchen to make himself some lunch, and he's staring at a now completely dead phone in the sink, the water having almost receded due to the water having sept through the crevices beneath the rubber stopper. It doesn't really bother Haru that his phone's dead, and that he's basically cut off all sorts of communication with the outside world.

Rather, he feels relieved.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru barely gets to enjoy the absence of a phone before he's got to buy a new one. He also finally gives into Rin's incessant nagging about wanting to race, but maybe that wasn't such a good idea, after all.

The old wind-up clock Haru found in one of his hallway closets works only so well as a temporary alarm clock. He almost oversleeps one morning when he's got to get up early for work, and then when he comes home one day to take a nap, he wakes up in the middle of the night without the alarm clock having gone off. Thanks to this, his sleep rhythm is completely thrown off, and he's tired at work the next day.

He finds the absence of a phone nice, though. Nothing to constantly try and remind him of the responsibilities he's already well aware of, nothing to disturb him when he's sitting by his kotatsu sketching with only the TV on as background noise. Why hasn't he thought about doing this before? It's greatly improved his ability to sleep and concentrate, and he doesn't have to worry about finding it before he leaves the house.

But of course, it only takes so long before he's scolded for not being available when people want to reach him. Well, 'people' being Rin and Makoto.

"What even  _happened_ to your phone?" Makoto asks, and Haru shrugs. Because he really doesn't know how the hell his phone ended up in the sink in the first place. Did he drop it when doing the dishes? It doesn't sound like something he'd do, because he rarely has his phone with him in the kitchen as is. Unless he's waiting for a text or call, but that's a rare occurrence.

"I don't know," is all he can say.

"It was completely dead, you couldn't even turn it on. Did you drop it in the sink or something?"

 _My thoughts exactly_. "Must have. I'll... get a new one soon. Tell Rin to stop worrying, I'm fine."

He doesn't want to get a new phone.

 

* * *

 

Immersing himself with the job at the pastry shop seems to work wonders on his restlessness, and it makes him tired by the end of the day so he can go to sleep early and get at least eight hours of sleep every night. Having still refused to buy a phone, Haru instead bought himself a digital alarm clock, which now makes sure he doesn't oversleep for work. He hates the beeping tone of it that always startles him awake rather than normally waking him up, but he figures it's a sacrifice he'll have to make. As long as it can't receive calls and text messages, he's fine with it.

Makoto must've done a good job at placating Rin, because Rin doesn't come to bark at Haru like he'd expected, even though it's now been a few days since he 'lost' his phone. He'd at least retrieved his sim card from it, so he wouldn't have to doing everything all over again where he first goes over to Makoto to get  _his_ number, and then have Makoto give him all of the contacts he'll need. Haru's pretty sure Makoto would try and impose Sousuke's number on him, too, considering the way he'd been the other day regarding his and Sousuke's conversation.

Haru flinches as a memory comes back to him. He sees Sousuke standing in front of him, it's rather dark out. Sousuke's talking, but Haru doesn't remember what it was they were talking about, and just sees Sousuke's lips move, as if he's deaf. Whatever it is Sousuke's talking about, Haru doesn't like it, because his stomach suddenly starts hurting.

" _I'm always too late. First with Rin, and now you. Bad luck never leaves my side, it seems._ "

He doesn't even know what the sketch looked like that he'd held in his hand until just a few seconds ago, and he isn't going to unfold it to look. Everything's temporary anyway, nothing's permanent, everything dies one day. Everything but his goddamn feelings for an idiot, apparently. Instead of sketching, Haru decides to go and soak in the bath for a while, at least until the hot water turns cold and he won't be bothered to change it.

His bath tub serves as his safe haven, the place he goes to whenever he's in need of clearing his mind. Thankfully, today isn't an exception, and it works pretty well. Okay, so maybe that's because he ends up almost falling asleep, but it's still nice. By the end of his bath, he feels a  _little_ better and lighter inside than he had before he got in, and it helps him fall asleep easier, too. Things will get better in time, all Haru has to do is to just endure it, to be patient and believe that he'll be able to get himself out of this.

 

* * *

 

He ends up getting a new phone in the end, having been without one for over a week. He knows he'll either have Makoto coming back to give him the traditional Makoto look, telling him it's only in his best interest and for his own safety to have a phone, or he'll have Rin come and chew him out about not being responsible, having to hear about how Rin is  _so worried_ about him, saying he's not able to monitor Haru at all times despite being a police officer. Haru doesn't need to be monitored, he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

Oh, if only Haru believed in his own lies as much as he hopes others will.

Having set up his new phone and made sure all of the most necessary contacts were properly imported — thank god he doesn't remember Sousuke's number, it wouldn't be long before that number showed up in his contact list otherwise — Haru plugs the phone in to charge overnight before he goes to take a shower. Never before has he realised just how much anxiety a simple device can induce in him. He suddenly wonders what it'd be like to live like the amish; without any kind of electricity at all. No, that'd be taking it too far. But having lived without a phone for a week felt nice, and he feels like he should turn his new phone off more often from now on, to shut people out for a while in order to keep himself somewhat sane.

Eventually, Haru starts feeling good to the point where he's able to race Rin again.  The two meet at ITSC Returns after dinner time when the swimming lessons of the day are over, and ask for permission to borrow the pool. Haru doesn't feel  _too_ bad about being back there, about the thought that he's going to race someone again after so long. He just has to tell himself that this is for fun, and not something that'll affect anything around him. Well, that depends on how Rin would take a possible defeat, but all in all, he feels good about it.

To his surprise, however, Haru ends up losing, but it isn't by much. Rin gives him a friendly high-five at the end of said race, complimenting him like things  _haven't_ been weird between them lately. Haru guesses Makoto must've talked to Rin, otherwise he wouldn't have been this casual about things. Rin had told him that their conversation from earlier wasn't over, and that they'd resume it sometime soon. He knows he's not completely off the hook, and it makes him anxious having to wait for the second impact of it all.

"Man, that was a good race," Rin says as they're in the showers. Haru hums in agreement, completely immersed in his shower. He lets the stream of hot water run down his body; the temperature cranked up so high he's fogging up all of the mirrors and other reflective surfaces around them. "You know, we should gather as many people as possible once, for a race. You, me, Makoto, Sousuke, maybe Nagisa and Rei, Ai, Momo—"

Haru winces, and Rin turns to look at him oddly, a crease forming between his eyebrows. "You okay?"

He shakes his head and turns off the water. "It's nothing. Let's get out of here already, I need some fresh air that doesn't smell like chlorine."

"Fine," Rin says with a laugh, and the two exit the premises.

The sky is pitch dark out when they walk out onto the streets, but thankfully, the street lights are on, illuminating the city and making it possible for them to go back home. Just as Haru's about to walk towards his house, however, he hears Rin yell out a name, and the name makes Haru's blood freeze in his veins.

"Took you long enough, Sousuke", Rin calls out. "Did you get lost on the way here?"

"Fuck _off_ , Rin, I— ah... _Haru_."

The way Sousuke says his name makes Haru want to break into a sprint, to run away from there and not even once turn back. He looks down at his feet, fidgeting with the strap on his messenger bag. "Hey."

"Been a while."

"Yeah."

 _God_ , this is painful. Why did Sousuke have to come meet them? Rin is perfectly capable of walking home alone, and it wasn't even as if he  _was_ walking home alone, since he's with Haru. He's not like Sousuke, who usually gets lost even in the grocery store. It surprises Haru how he's even here to begin with, but he doesn't develop the thought any further, letting it go as soon as it had come to him.

"Jeez, why the heavy atmosphere all of a sudden? Don't tell me you guys went back to the way things were in high school again", Rin says, and Haru clears his throat, looking up at Rin.

"I don't feel too good, I'll go on ahead. Sorry, Rin. I'll... see you around."

"Haru? Hey, wait—"

But he doesn't. Haru's heart beats loudly in his ears as he leaves, long strides and hands shoved down his pockets as usual. He hates, absolutely  _hates_ , the fact that just seeing Sousuke again makes him feel things he thought he'd at least somewhat gotten over by this point. No, just being away from Sousuke isn't going to make Haru get over him; he needs to do something else. Closure — is that what he needs? Maybe he needs to properly cut things off completely with Sousuke before he can even dream of moving on? He wonders if it's worth a shot, if exposing himself to such a thing won't be too stressful for him to handle, even if it ends on a good note.

Good note being him never seeing Sousuke ever again. But how would that work when they're still living in the same town, still hanging out within the same circle of friends?

In sheer frustration, Haru slams his fist into the nearest wall, and he curses when he feels the skin on his knuckles break. This isn't working. No matter what he does, he can't get out of the hell he once put himself in when he agreed to being in a sex-only 'relationship' with Sousuke despite having romantic feelings for him. He shouldn't have given into his ugly, selfish desires, even if Sousuke had his own — because it certainly didn't help him, did it? All of this led him further down the depressive spiral he's been in for a while, it led him to have occasional blackouts where he doesn't remember certain details, it's caused him to get even less sleep every night, and having to become best friends with the term 'tension headache'...

When Haru's made it back home safely, he heads straight for the hallway where he keeps his first aid kit in the side table's drawer. It's become commonplace for him to have one around thanks to Makoto forcing him to get one, even though he barely ever gets himself hurt. He's fairly skilled in the kitchen, and thus doesn't have accidents in there. Makoto's prone to worrying about people he cares about, and it isn't like said first aid kit takes up much space to begin with, so Haru doesn't mind it.

Good thing he's getting some use out of that thing, finally. If only Makoto knew the reason behind him needing to use it.

He opens the box and pulls out the bandages and saline. Applying the saline to his wounds makes him hiss in pain, but he knows he deserves it for being an idiot. So he copes with the pain as he cleans his wounds, and eventually manages to wrap bandage around his hand. Well, it's a good thing he didn't use his right hand when deciding to slam his fist into the cement wall he'd walked by on his way home; that would've greatly impaired his ability to work and draw as well.

Funny how he's sunk so low that he manages to find good things in the misery he puts himself in.


	7. Sousuke's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke grows more and more frustrated over his situation, resorting to desperate measures to try and save his last chance at redemption and a chance with Haru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First (and last, sorry) time a chapter is told from Sousuke's point of view. This is Haru's story, after all, but I wanted to get Sousuke in for a tiny bit, as well.

"Oi, are you listening? Jeez, talk about rude to space out when someone's talking."

Sousuke flinches, being brought back to reality by Rin's voice. He blinks a few times to get a better bearing of his surroundings and what's going on around him. He'd been at the gym before going to meet Rin for a bit, trying to get rid of the slight pain in his shoulder. What Rin failed to tell him about the two meeting up to then walk back to Sousuke's apartment, was that Rin would be walking out of the swimming club with  _Haru_.

And how the hell was he  _supposed_ to react when seeing him again? Act like nothing had happened? Sure, if he possessed the talent to keep a poker face, but he doesn't, so that's out of the question. Was he supposed to just ignore Haru, pretending like he wasn't even there? That, if anything, would make Rin suspicious, because Rin doesn't know anything beyond the two of them burying the hatchet nearly two years ago, Rin has no idea just what's been going on between his friends in the past year.

"Sorry," he mumbles. "What'd you say?"

Rin frowns. "Everything okay? You look kinda pale. We  _can_  go home now, if you want to. We can just hang out tomorrow or something, that's fi—"

"No! I mean... no, let's just hang out like we planned to."

The last thing he wants is to be left alone right now, because if he is, Sousuke knows he won't be able to control himself, and he'll just get up and head straight for Haru's house. And he knew by the look on Haru's face that he's the last person welcome at Haru's house. As dumb as it may sound, and how inappropriate it is considering the way things are between them, Sousuke can't help but be worried. Haru hasn't responded to a single text he's sent, and his phone had been completely shut off for a few days. Now whenever he calls, it just rings until he reaches Haru's voicemail.

"Alright, fine," Rin says, and sighs. "But seriously, are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. So what were you saying?"

He tries to focus on Rin talking to him, tries to respond like his mind  _isn't_ elsewhere. And either Rin's just playing along and choosing not to ask Sousuke what's going on with him, because Rin just keeps talking like everything's normal. Things will  _never_ be normal with them again, not with Rin and Sousuke, and certainly not with Haru mixed in, either. He remembers the time Rin had pretty much pleaded to him, saying he should make up with Haru and call a truce. So they did, and then Sousuke basically took advantage of said truce to use Haruka in order to get his aggressions out over Rin.

If anyone deserves a place in hell, it's Sousuke. He knows exactly why Haruka isn't answering his calls, but that doesn't mean he's okay with it. So what,  _yes_ he's selfish — but that isn't anything new. He's always been; his very reason for transferring to Samezuka back in the day had been just so he could swim with Rin again, to be with his best friend and  _not_ feel like such a fucking outcast at Tokitsu High.

"So listen, I know Makoto said not to tell anyone, but... I'm just... worried," Rin says, and Sousuke finally manages to focus on his friend at those words.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"I think so. Haru's... acting weird lately."

The mention of Haru's name makes Sousuke's heart stop for a second, and he tries to keep a straight face. "Uh-huh, how's so?"

Rin kicks a pebble away from him, and Sousuke watches it hit a rubbish bin in front of them. They're sitting in the park for some reason, and it's gotten pretty cold out, but Sousuke's not going to call quits just yet. Even though he now knows why Rin wanted to meet him this late at night and just for an hour or so, he isn't going to just leave, because that'd just make him look even  _more_ suspicious. Like a murderer walking around with a sign around their neck saying they did it. Because he knows he's at least partially the cause for Haruka's distress, but doesn't want anyone to find out.

"I don't know, he's making himself impossible to reach, he acts weird, avoids every question I ask him, and he says he's _fine_."

"So maybe he is? I haven't really noticed anything wrong."

Except he has, and he's the cause of it.

Rin shakes his head. "See, this is where you and I differ greatly when it comes to Haru. I know him almost as well as Makoto does, and I know that when Haru says he's fine, he isn't."

"Sounds like someone else we know," Sousuke replies dryly, and he isn't able to hold back his snort this time. Rin sighs.

"I know. Well, they grew up basically tethered to each other, so that's a given."

Up until Sousuke learnt about Haru's and Makoto's childhood of growing up together, he'd thought he and Rin had been the ones to be basically be by each other's side during every waking moment. And since he'd gotten to see the way those two acted whenever the teams raced each other, Sousuke quickly learnt that the way those two grew up was basically like siblings. Considering that, there's really no way they  _wouldn't_ have ended up so similar. Even so, they're still polar opposites, but maybe that's why they're still such good friends, too.

"So what're you saying?" he asks, feigning interest in a subject he could've done without having to talk about.

"I'm saying I want to do something about it, but I don't know what — and I feel like the worst fucking friend ever. It's like back in our third year of high school again, except this probably isn't about swimming, or his future. And that's what scares me. The fact that there's something else burdening him that I can't figure out means that it could be  _anything_."

A chill run's down Sousuke's spine when he finally gathers what Rin's too scared of voicing out loud. And Rin's right, Sousuke  _doesn't_ know Haru that well; he hasn't even bothered to try and get to know Haru better during the time they'd been in their little arrangement. He feels sick to his stomach; how could he have gone this long using Haru so heartlessly and never even tried to get to know the guy? Maybe then he would've figured out a thing or two to make their entire 'break-up' a little easier on the both of them.

"Rin, don't," he says in a warning tone. "I may not know much about Nanase, sure, but... he's pretty strong. I think you know that, too."

"You know the saying 'fall seven times, get up eight'? What if this was his eighth time, and now if he falls again, he won't be able to get up?"

"Then we'll... help him, of course", Sousuke says with a sigh. "Isn't that what friends are for?"

Rin actually laughs a little, and it relieves Sousuke. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Alright, maybe we should head back already. Sorry for asking you to come meet me just so I could rant to you about Haru again. You put up with a lot when it comes to me, I realise."

Sousuke shrugs. "It's fine, I feel like I owe you a favour or two, anyway. But I agree that we should get out of here, because I'm freezing my ass off."

 

* * *

 

His finger hovers over the  _Nanase Haruka_ contact in his phone for the umpteenth time that day. He already knows he isn't going to call, isn't going to send another message. Haruka's made it pretty clear; he's not going to reply, he's not going to answer if Sousuke calls. No matter what Sousuke does, he's screwed himself to hell and back, and there's no way out of this other than to just forget about everything. To try and get over these feelings he's had buried deep inside him for Haruka since god knows when.

Maybe he and Haruka have had feelings for each other for about the same amount of time, who the hell knows, at this point. Sousuke knows by now that he's had these feelings brewing underneath the surface during the entirety of what was his arrangement with Haru. And now that it's too late, these feelings have surfaced and begun to slowly take over everything he does, everything he thinks about. He creates unrealistic, far too good to be true scenarios in his head when he dreams at night, dreams that stick to the back of his mind for a good portion of that day and ends up disturbing his concentration at work.

Sousuke lets out an exasperated sigh and chucks his phone halfway across the room, watching it end up on the kotatsu table before it slides off and lands on the floor with a thud. There should be a lock on your phone that disables texting and calling when you're in a certain mood. Sousuke's very much in said mood right now, and he knows he'll probably just end up calling or texting Haru again, even though he knows Haru won't respond or pick up. Why would he, why  _should_ he? He doesn't owe Sousuke anything, especially after the multitude of fuckups Sousuke's had in just the last few weeks.

So why does he  _expect_ Haruka to respond to his texts and answer when he calls? Why can't he just give up like any other normal person would have if they've been this harshly rejected? Maybe it's because a sick part still lingering within him hopes, _believes_ , that he's got a chance at redemption if he just gives Haruka the time he needs. If he's being patient — who's he kidding, Sousuke isn't a patient person — then maybe Haru will come around. _  
_

And giving Haru time and space obviously means not texting or calling him. Well, maybe it's about time Sousuke returned to the gym after work; it's been a while since he even set foot within those premises, and while he doesn't think he needs the workout, he  _definitely_ needs the distraction two hours at the gym provides.

 

* * *

 

Having just barely dodged a bullet in his talk with Rin the other day, Sousuke grows more and more agitated over not being able to do anything about his situation as the days pass. It shows at work, too, as his concentration isn't where it should be, and that's dangerous in his profession. He's really close to probably being forced to take a leave for a few days, but no matter what he tries to occupy himself with, it doesn't seem to quite work.

So one day after work when he knows Rin is at the gym, he drives over to Rin's and Makoto's house. Makoto usually works until four in the afternoon, which is earlier than both Rin and Sousuke get off work, so he's confident Makoto will answer the door when he rings the doorbell.

When Makoto  _does_ open the door, he looks at Sousuke in surprise. "Sousuke? Normally I'd tell you Rin isn't here, but you probably knew that. Are you... are you here for  _me_?"

Sousuke grunts an affirmative reply, and scrapes his foot against the ground awkwardly. They're supposed to be friends, Makoto isn't supposed to be _that_ surprised for Sousuke to come see him. He feels bad about that. "Can I come in, or is now a bad time?"

Makoto looks into the house over his shoulder, but then turns back to shake his head. "No, come on in. Do you want something to drink?"

He's let inside the house and walks into the hallway where he removes his shoes. "Water would be great, thanks", he says, and Makoto nods in acknowledgement before disappearing into the kitchen, telling him to make himself at home in doing so. Really, Makoto doesn't have to tell him that, since he ends up doing it, anyway, whenever he's over. He probably wouldn't have done it if Makoto had lived there alone, though, even if they  _are_ good friends by now.

Makoto comes to join him in the living room, handing Sousuke a bottle of water. The condensed water creates droplets that drip onto the table as Sousuke sets it down in front of him, without opening it. He clenches his fists in his lap, and takes a deep breath.

"Sorry for coming unannounced," he begins. "Probably should've called first to make sure you didn't have any plans."

Makoto shakes his head, and smiles a little. "It's fine. I'm guessing you're here to talk about Haru."

Sousuke finds himself surprised, even though he knows there probably wouldn't have been anything else for them to talk about, if not Rin. Has Haru talked to Makoto about this? If he has, that means Makoto's seen Haru recently, and it ignites a small spark of hope within Sousuke. He knows he doesn't have any right for it to be there in the first place, but he can't help it. At least that means Haru's okay. Well, somewhat. Sousuke doesn't want to give himself more credit for being an asshole than he already has up to this point, but he fears Haru must be in a pretty rough shape, considering the way he'd been the last few times they saw each other.

"Yeah," he responds. "So I take it you know the gist of it all, huh."

"I do," Makoto says. "And I hope you aren't expecting me to pretend like I'm okay with what's going on, and what you've done to Haru."

Sousuke frowns. "What do you think I've  _done_ to him? Do you think I threatened him like back in the high school days, that I backed him into a fucking corner and—"

"No," Makoto interrupts, and sighs. "Sorry, I shouldn't have put it that way. What I meant to say is that he hasn't really had it easy lately, and you haven't done much to help him. He's been beyond distracted, he hasn't been anywhere near his usual self, and... he scares me. And I know it has to do with you. He didn't tell me everything, so I'm hoping you can fill in some of the gaps for me. You kind of owe me that, after I've had to take care of the mess you left."

It surprises Sousuke just how much venom there is in Makoto's voice, how relentless he is when he speaks even though he isn't necessarily using harsh words. It's not at all like the Makoto Sousuke's used to; the one who constantly smiles, always apologises even though he isn't the one who's in the wrong, always tries his best to avoid conflict. The Makoto sitting in front of him right now is very much willing to jump into a conflict they were bound to have sooner or later, regardless.

Sousuke puts his hands up in a surrendering gesture, releasing a long breath. "Fine, ask away. I'm tired of hiding things, anyway."

 _Haru must've been, too_ , Sousuke thinks. Not that he's got any right to be angry about Makoto knowing now, especially with the way he's been acting.

"Okay. When did you and Haru agree to this... thing you had going on?"

He shrugs. "Probably about a year ago or something."

Makoto's eyes widen at the revelation, and Sousuke isn't surprised at that reaction. Yes, he knows he's disgusting for having used Haru for that long. _Yes_ , he knows he should've probably seen the signs long ago, and stopped the train before it derailed and led their arrangement to its maybe not so untimely demise.

"So during that year, you never even  _once_ stopped to think of the consequences, even if they wouldn't affect you directly?"

"I didn't!" Sousuke bristles. "Look, I know I've screwed up, and I know I don't deserve  _anyone's_ forgiveness, and I don't expect it, either. All I want is to say that I'm sorry, and if I could take it back, I would, but—"

"Would you?"

Would he? Why did he even  _say_ that if he doesn't mean it?

"I... I don't know," Sousuke mumbles. "Okay, I'm selfish, tell me something I _don't_ know. I went into this wanting Rin, and I went out of it wanting Haru instead. Believe me, if I could've done things differently, I would have. But I can't control my feelings, I don't have a say in who I fall for."

"I know", Makoto says, and sighs again whilst hugging his middle. "I feel like we've all made mistakes with Haru in the past few years. I still can't forgive myself for pushing him into a corner back in high school, initiating our first ever fight. I guess... we're only human. And while I don't think what you did was right, I... I guess I understand you."

Sousuke raises his eyebrows in surprise. "You do?"

"Well, yeah. Like I said, we're only human, and for one's feelings to gradually change is a human thing. It's normal, as weird as it may sound. But, feelings can also change in the opposite direction, so I want you to be prepared for that. When it comes to Haru, I mean."

"Do you think he doesn't like me anymore?"

Makoto shakes his head. "There's no way for me to tell. He won't say anything, but I'm guessing he's at least  _trying_ to get over you."

"So there isn't anything for me to do but just let him get over me, huh."

"I guess so."

Sousuke leans back against the wall behind him, and he pinches the bridge of his nose. Even if he isn't surprised at this, he doesn't like it. His selfishness has once again landed him in a situation where he can't do anything but stand on the sidelines and watch as his life gets even  _more_ miserable than it already is.

 

* * *

 

When he's about to leave Rin's and Makoto's house, Sousuke turns around again before exiting through the door. He clears his throat, scratching the back of his neck. "Listen, Makoto, I— I'm sorry for being mad at  _you_ when I wanted to be with Rin. This was never your fault, and I'm sorry for thinking it was. I want us to be friends."

Makoto regards him for a second, before he pulls Sousuke close for an embrace. Sousuke initially stiffens up at this sudden gesture, but when he realises there isn't any malice or hidden agenda behind it, he relaxes. 

"It's okay," Makoto says.

"It's  _not_ okay."

"I'm serious, Sousuke. I understand you; I'm pretty sure I would've unconsciously antagonised someone who dated the one I was in love with, too. I'm glad you apologised, so thank you for that. And of course we're friends."

Sousuke nods stiffly, and Makoto lets go of him, only to give him one of those trademark sunbeam smiles he seems to have an infinite amount of. Even for people like Sousuke.

When he leaves to head back to his own apartment, he feels relieved about the whole Makoto and Rin-business, but a new kind of dread and heaviness has started to settle in his chest. He's forced to recognise the fact that his chances are pretty much gone at this point, and that there isn't anything he can do. He just hopes he'll be able to eventually get over Haruka as well, the way Haru's getting over him.

Again, all he can do is just to stand on the sidelines and watch people move on with their lives as he continues to stand still. To cheer people on with a fake smile, and pretend like it's okay when it's far from it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin and Haru hang out; Rin wanting some answers from Haru about his awkward 'reunion' with Sousuke. Haru quickly begins to realise that the way he's dealing with things isn't working. He needs to figure out a solution, and most of all stop running away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 80+ subscribers in less than a month?! I'm speechless. A huge thanks to everyone who's even read one chapter of this thing. You guys are literally the best, and I'm really bad at expressing my gratitude. Just know that I love you guys. A lot.
> 
> Sorry for the late update, I've been in Turkey for a week on really bad Internet connection and a phone. I hate updating from my phone, but I was bored enough by the pool today, so here's a new chapter.

"What even _happened_ to your old phone?"

Haru looks down at the device in front of him on the table. He regrets having drowned his old one, because this new one will always remind him of that. Of the fact that he'd been so out of his mind that he submerged it in water in his kitchen sink. Not even when he'd be absolutely livid would he resort to such a thing, and it scares him how his unconscious takes to such drastic measures, and how he doesn't even remember the reason as to why it happened in the first place.

"Dropped it down the stairs on my way out", Haru lies, and shrugs, and Rin hums, almost sounding suspicious.

"Huh. Well, at least you've got a new phone now, so people can reach you."

"Yeah."

He still doesn't like  _having_ a phone, though, because it kind of stresses him out knowing he can be reached at all times if he keeps it on, and if he doesn't, he'll get chewed out over it being switched off. If he doesn't  _have_ a phone, he'll at least have something to blame. Maybe he should've put off the purchase of a new phone for a while longer, but Haru figures it's probably for the best, and that he'll have to learn to live with the thought of people calling or sending him messages every now and then.

Not even Sousuke's been texting him lately, and while Haru would normally find that nice and liberating, he's starting to get almost worried. Which is making him frustrated, strangely enough, because worry isn't something he wants to feel when thinking about Sousuke.

"Listen, Haru; I'm... really sorry for always pushing you. It's not my intention, you know — I just care about you. In a completely friendly way."

Haru rolls his eyes. "Everyone knows you're with Makoto. Even I do, as hard as that might be to believe."

"Funny guy," Rin snorts. "So hey, about the other day... why'd you leave so suddenly? I was kind of planning on hanging out with  _both_ you and Sousuke, but you just left? Did something happen between you two?"

He barely avoids flinching at the direct question, but it doesn't stop his heart from skipping a beat. Had it been Makoto, he would've known the reason, and wouldn't have needed to ask why Haru was suddenly in such a rush to get home. But Rin has no idea what's been going on, what's caused this crack in his 'friendship' with Sousuke. And he  _can't_ find out, either, that's the big thing. Haru had been apprehensive about telling Makoto, too, but him knowing is worlds better than Rin, both for Sousuke and Haru.

"I got a headache," he mumbles. "Don't think I would've been fun to be around."

"You're rarely  _fun_ to be around, but I still like your company, you know", Rin says, and sighs. "Well, some other time, I guess. I just... it feels like you two have gone back to the way things used to be. And I want to know why, because it's a shame things reverted. So?"

It's ironic, because they'd moved way past that, even, but that isn't something Rin knows or  _can_  know about. Rin knows that they'd become friends, and he now thinks they aren't friends anymore. Well, Haru doesn't actually  _know_ if they are, but yet again, he can't tell Rin that. There are so many things he still has to hide from his friend, and it's painful, making him feel like a terrible person, like he's harbouring a fugitive or keeping a secret that's so much more serious and dark than his is.

"It's... it's nothing. I wasn't— I'm not angry at him. Like I said, it was probably just the headache."

Rin still doesn't seem convinced, and Haru's starting to panic, quickly running out of excuses and lies. "So why did Sousuke look at you like he hadn't seen you in ten years, or like he'd deeply hurt you? I know those looks of his."

 _Well, maybe because the latter is somewhat true_ , Haru thinks. He still can't forget what Sousuke told him back then, a set of words that ended up hurting Haru more than he ever thoughts mere words could.

" _I could learn to love you_."

"I don't know, why don't you ask him instead of me? You said it yourself, you know his looks; you know him better than I do. Better than anyone."

Rin shrugs. "Right, sorry. Just thought you'd had an argument or something."

Haru doesn't respond, but thankfully, Rin doesn't nag him further on the subject, but instead just gets up and stretches with a yawn.

"Alright, I've taken advantage of your hospitality for a little too long now, I guess I should go before Makoto gets worried. Thanks for dinner."

Haru stands up as well, and he shakes his head, looking down at his feet. "It was nothing."

In truth, it was kind of nice to have Rin over for a few hours. Today's been one of those days where Haru wouldn't have wanted to be alone, so Rin's unplanned visit had come at a perfect time. A week ago, Haru wouldn't have wanted Rin _or_ Makoto over, and he'd found it highly troublesome since they both did end up visiting him regardless of his thoughts on the matter.

 

* * *

 

Rin leaves, and Haru's left alone again. When silence begins feeling like it's deafening him again, he turns on the TV just to have something on in the background, and he then puts up an empty canvas on his easel right by the window. He needs to busy his hands with something, but feels like holding a pen right now would only lead to sloppy, crooked lines in his sketchpad, so a paintbrush and a canvas will have to do.

He lets his hand do the work while he disconnects his mind from it. Usually when he does, he ends up creating something really abstract in all sorts of colours; some bright, some dark. But it all blends together somehow, making it not look as weird as it probably should, considering the fact that he wasn't really  _thinking_ when painting it.

Haru isn't thinking when painting now, either. Or at least he doesn't _think_ he is, but his subconscious seems to still have a say in the matter, as when Haru steps back nearly half an hour later to look at his painting, he notices that the painting is completely void of bright and vibrant colours. He sees black, dark blue, red, negative and depressing colours, silhouettes in hunched postures as if they're apologising for something, feeling guilt or regret. It doesn't take him long to realise that he's painted himself a mirror, and that he hates the reflection staring back at him.

Apparently, painting doesn't seem to work for him, either. He chews on his lower lip in hesitation, but then heads out of the living room back into the kitchen where his phone's resting on the counter. Thankfully it isn't submerged in water this time. He wonders if he'll continue having these blackouts, and what he could possibly do if a new one strikes. He shudders at the thought, and then picks his phone up to put in his pocket before exiting the house. A walk might do him good, at least that's what he hopes.

He puts a black sweater on before going out into the hallway to put on his shoes, walks outside and then locks the door. It's pretty cold out, but still nice enough for a walk wearing a thick sweater. Warmer temperatures are coming, and Haru couldn't be happier about that. He absolutely despises winter and cold weather, and thrives in temperatures that allow him to skip jackets and wearing several layers of clothes.

Haru walks towards the park, where he sees a woman walk her dog, a couple walking with steaming paper mugs in their gloved hands, just people enjoying the weather being nice for once. Haru wishes he'd been out for the same reason, but his is far dumber than that.

He lets his eyes wander the scenery, the people, and when his eyes get stuck on one person in particular walking down the pavement with a bag slung over his good shoulder, Haru's breath hitches in his throat.  _Sousuke._ He contemplates turning around and pretending he didn't see Sousuke, but knows there's a risk the other will notice him soon, too. So he does whatever a sensible person  _not_ named Nanase Haruka would do.

"Sousuke", he says, almost whispers, as he quickly walks over to him to make sure he doesn't miss him. Not again.

Sousuke turns to him, and his eyes almost immediately widen upon the sight of Haru, who wants to look away but doesn't. "Haru", he replies, voice as surprised as his expression. Haru clears his throat.

"Hi," he says lamely like the idiot he is.

"How... how are you?" Sousuke asks.

Back to square one. They're like strangers with a past, however that would work. Small talk is something Haru absolutely despises, and knowing that it's gone back to that point with Sousuke makes him almost angry, not only with Sousuke but himself, too. They were supposed to become friends after those years of hostility, that arrangement of theirs should never have been brought up, they should've just let things happen naturally, and—

"Good. Fine, I guess. You?"

"Yeah... same, probably."

 _Stop this. Or at least do something about it_.

Haru takes another deep breath, feeling like he's about to dive into unknown, dark water. Isn't water supposed to make him feel calm? Like he's home, embraced by a lover, in a place of comfort, tranquillity and warmth. So why does he suddenly feel like he's at the risk of drowning?

"I missed you," he blurts out, and when he thinks he's going to regret it, he doesn't. He exhales. "I realised I can't do this. I... I wanted to talk to you. So I'm glad I found you. Unless you're busy?"

Sousuke shakes his head. "On my way home from the gym, it's fine. Can't do what?"

He resists the urge to look away.  _Don't let this end up the same way it did with Makoto_. "Running away. Hiding from confrontations. Hiding from... this. You."

Sousuke's frown deepens, and now he looks confused. "You were hiding from me?"

"I dropped my phone down the kitchen sink full of water, apparently on purpose."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know. I don't remember. But I think I know why."

"Okay", Sousuke says tentatively, but Haru can see he's able to fill in the blanks himself. "Look, you don't have anything to apologise for — _I_ do. I fucked up. I started this entire thing, and I'm the one who should repent for my mistakes."

"I didn't say you can't still do that," Haru replies. "But I haven't been perfect, either. We both did things wrong."

And then there's a silence between them for what feels like several minutes, but is more realistically just a few seconds. Where does Haru  _really_ want things to go from here? How had he planned this conversation to go? Truth is, he  _hadn't_ planned, naïvely just deciding to go based on feeling. But he's not even sure what he  _is_ feeling, so that idea quickly flew out the window.

But he's not going to let the water hold him down anymore. He wants to take control, decide for himself. So even though he's jumped in and finds it scary, he's determined not to sink, not to drown. So he goes back up to the surface, and opens his mouth.

"I want to try. With— with you." Just as Sousuke's eyes seem to light up with just a faint spark of hope, he quickly adds: "But taking things slow. I don't trust you yet."

Sousuke slumps his shoulders. "I'll take whatever I can get. And I understand. So what... do we do from now?"

For the first time since he met Sousuke a few minutes ago, Haru averts his gaze, looking down at the ground, trying to remind himself that he's still standing, still on solid ground, and that he's safe. Not in water, and at the risk of drowning.

"I don't know. I guess we could... talk. On the phone, or something." Quick glance up, meeting Sousuke's gaze, feeling his heart race. _  
_

This time, Sousuke nods, looking a little relieved, even. "Yeah. It's a start."

Baby steps. It took them ages to reach the stage of being somewhat friendly with each other, and it might take them ages to get past this, too. The uncertainty of it all kind of scares Haru, but he's realising just how much he  _does_ want this. Even if there's a possibility Sousuke's feelings for Rin still haven't completely died out. The possibilities are many, but they aren't all bad ones. And that makes him feel just a little bit more optimistic. _Carefully_ optimistic.

“Just so you know, I’m going to tell Makoto if you screw up.”

“I know.”

It's an empty threat, really; Haru wouldn't subject Sousuke to that, knowing how Makoto would probably react in a scenario where Haru tells on Sousuke to him. Makoto wouldn't let him live that down, would never in a million years forgive Sousuke, and as much as Haru's suffered because of Sousuke in the past months, he doesn't think anyone deserves that. Not even Sousuke. And Haru hasn't really been perfect in this, either.

Haru still doesn’t move. The barrier is still there, still visible and almost tangible, and he isn’t going to be the one to take the first step to remove it. He’s done too much at this point, and he doesn’t want to do much more than he needs to. More than his mental state allows him to.

Sousuke finally takes the step, closing the distance between them, but leaving some breathing room, which Haru is thankful for, because he needs it.

“You can tell Rin, too. Hell, I don’t care — all I know is that I want to be with you, and I want you to know how sorry I am that it took me this long to realise.”

Haru isn’t going to tell Rin if Sousuke screws up, probably not even Makoto. Because he knows he hasn’t been perfect, either. He hasn’t made the most sensible decisions in this mess, so he doesn’t have the right to put all of the blame on Sousuke, no matter how good that’d make him feel.

In a lack for a good verbal response, Haru nods slowly. He’s tired of walking around in a bubble of negative emotions, he wants it to burst but he doesn’t want to be the one holding the needle. He’s scared, because what if things go wrong? What if Sousuke’s just saying these things to placate him, to make him feel like his feelings are finally reciprocated?

For all he knows, this could just be Sousuke’s way of wanting to re-establish their old arrangement of only having sex, but this time with feigned romance added into the mix. Just to keep his options open, being able to flee to Rin, if Rin _does_ want Sousuke. But that’d mean he’d have to break up with Makoto, and Haru knows there’s almost nothing that can tear them apart at this point.

"I want to prove what I’ve said to you, with actions. Doing things instead of just _saying_ I'll do it. Proving my feelings instead of nagging them into your skull, and all that.”

It suits Sousuke better, Haru has to admit. Since neither of them are big on talking in general, it shouldn’t surprise Haruka that this was proposed by Sousuke.

So he agrees. Haru accepts Sousuke's offer, and the two turn over a new page. Maybe one day it'll be filled with things they can look back at without feeling their hearts ache upon a quick glance. It may take time, but the best books weren't written in a week, but were carefully planned out, written and rewritten, over the course of months, maybe years.

The phrase 'time heals all wounds' is one Haru feels like he'll once again get acquainted with.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two best friends hang out, and Haru takes a baby step further in his 'relationship' with Sousuke.

Haruka stares at the blank canvas in front of him. Cream white, empty, but full of possibilities. He lets his fingertips grace it, running them slowly across the fabric before grabbing a paintbrush. It's funny how he usually finds blank canvases kind of scary, anxiety-inducing, as they're just that — empty. There's so much he could do to it, but he sometimes finds himself not knowing  _what_ , and if his final work comes out not good enough.

He hates the thought of working on something for hours, only for it to come out looking either okay or absolutely horrible. But in the past weeks, he's been able to see things in a different perspective. A blank canvas doesn't necessarily have to be empty; it can still be full of potential to become something so much more, and that realisation in itself has sparked Haru's imagination once again.

The sunset outside creates an almost mystic, pink-ish orange light coming in through his windows, giving him all the light he needs to be able to paint without having to use his own lamps. It's been a long day at work with a lot of standing around, but after having soaked in the tub for an hour, his joints are a little more agile, and he feels a bit more rested.

"Are you stuck?" Makoto asks him from where he's sitting by the kotatsu, looking up from the manga he's reading. _That guy will never change_ , Haru thinks, but he's glad for that. He shakes his head, suddenly hit with an idea inspired by his lighting conditions and the colours filling the room.

"Not quite. Switching mediums. Can you sit by the window?"

Makoto looks a little confused and stunned at the sudden question, but does as he's told nevertheless, seemingly realising what Haru's getting at. He sits on the wide window sill, looking expectantly at his friend. "And now?"

"Pull your legs up. Hug them or something. Wait, I need to get my sketchpad and pencils."

Haru goes out into the hallway, and picks up his sketchpad and two pencils from the hallway table. When he's just sketching or doodling, he only uses those two for line art and shading. This isn't meant to be a proper drawing, but he wouldn't mind if it turned out that way, either.

Makoto's sitting like he'd been told to when Haru returns, looking out the window. The way the light of the setting sun falls on him where he sits is absolutely perfect, and it gets Haru's inspiration almost running on overdrive, as he pushes Makoto's manga aside to sit on the kotatsu table. Another good thing about living alone; not having people tell you you  _can't_ sit there. So he gets himself comfortable, crossing his legs on the table, sketchpad comfortably in place and one pen in hand.

He doesn't even register his hand getting to work, but at some point, he glances down at rough lines and goes to fix them, fill them in, improve, remove. All the while, Makoto sits patiently in the same position, just staring out the window, and the general atmosphere in the room is nice. Maybe a little too quiet, but that's of course not something that goes undetected by Makoto.

"Been a while, hasn't it?"

"Yeah. Do you mind?"

"Not at all. Would you... consider drawing Sousuke like this, too?" Haru looks up from his sketch, his pen stopping, and Makoto looks at him with a sheepish grin. "Sorry. Still a sore subject?"

Haru sighs quietly and goes back to sketching. "Not really. I don't know if he'd be up for it."

"You never know if you don't ask."

"Why do I feel like you've said that to me before?"

Makoto laughs. "Because I have. Not too long ago, actually. But it's up to you. I think he'd agree to it."

What Makoto doesn't know is that Haru's technically already drawn Sousuke several times. It's just that Sousuke doesn't know about it, and neither does anyone else. He thinks it's probably better that way, that no one knows about all of those sketches Haru's either safely stowed away somewhere in the house, or thrown away a long time ago. Some things are better left hidden, if they're not going to be of much use, anyway.

Haru just shrugs in response as he finishes the drawing with some facial shading. He stretches his arms out in front of him to take a better look at his creation, cocking his head to the side while inspecting. For the most part, he feels like he's got a pretty good idea of how to capture the 'essence' of Makoto, but that might just be something that comes with having been practically attached to the hip to him since they were in preschool.

He wonders when — if ever — he'd be able to capture Sousuke the way he truly sees him, but then he slaps the thought away like he'd swat away an annoying fly. Too soon.

"Can I see it?" Makoto asks and gets down from his spot by the window. Without much thought, Haru hands the sketchpad over to his friend before going back out to put his pencils back into their little case on the hallway table. He smiles to himself as he hears Makoto gasp in awe out in the living room, but collects himself just in time for his phone to vibrate in his pocket. He puts his pens down and feels his heart skip a beat.

 **YAMAZAKI, SOUSUKE:**   _What're you up to?_

 

He swallows hard, trying to think of a way to reply that won't sound too distant but not too clingy, either. When he's not able to come up with an appropriate response, he shrugs it off, puts his phone back in his pocket and returns to the living room where his best friend's still staring at the drawing like he's seen an alien. He hands Haru back the sketchpad as he comes in again to sit down.

"Haru... this might sound weird, and probably like I'm a self loving idiot, but... can I have this?"

Haru looks down at the drawing in his hands, at Makoto sitting by his window and looking out the window with a small, distant smile on his lips, his eyes looking like they're looking out over a horizon despite just looking out over the boring, small town of Iwatobi. He looks like he's looking at his future, accepting it, deciding to walk hand in hand with it and take whatever comes with that trademark smile of his. It's kind of something Haru wishes he could do, too, but knows he's still got a long way to go before he can do so.

"Sure, I don't mind. It's you, after all," he shrugs. "And you don't sound self loving at all. It's fine."

"But you painted it!"

"Did you want it or not?"

Makoto laughs. "Sorry. Yeah, I do. Thanks a lot, Haru. I know Rin will like this, too."

He says it with a little blush on his cheeks as a finish, and Haru holds back a snort.

Makoto leaves shortly after having offered Haru to come over for dinner, and as soon as he's made sure he's completely alone, Haru fishes his phone back out from his pocket and texts Sousuke back.

 **YOU** :  _Just hung out with Makoto. You?_

 

He feels like he's back in high school, when kids texted their crushes during class, asking them stupid questions like what they were doing despite both being aware that they had class at that moment. Things were so much simpler back then, and Haru regrets not having enjoyed his high school days more. Well, he probably could have, had he not been so heavily weighed down by the massive amount of pressure he had from several universities wanting to scout him. He's glad to have left all of that behind and moved onto something that  _doesn't_  remind him of those days as often.

It takes only a few minutes before he receives a response from Sousuke, and Haru tries to not let his heart race as he reads it.

 **YAMAZAKI, SOUSUKE** :  _Not much. Sitting around and enjoying not having to work. Can I call you, or is that weird? Too soon?_

 

Haru chews on the inside of his cheek, feeling bad for having Sousuke hold back so much. So he calls instead, despite feeling like maybe it  _is_ too soon, maybe he  _is_ taking things a little too fast. He doesn't really care, because in the end, if he crashes and burns, it'll all be because of himself, and not Sousuke. Not this time.

When Sousuke picks up, Haru holds his breath. " _Yeah?_ "

"Hey", he breathes out, voice meek, and probably barely audible, too. "How are you?"

" _Haru,_ " Sousuke says, sounding genuinely surprised. " _I'm... I'm good. And you?_ "

"Me too. I just... don't like the silence. It's unnerving. Making me feel like I'm going deaf."

Sousuke sighs. " _I know what you mean. Been there a couple of times myself. How was hanging out with Tachibana?_ "

Haru sits back down on one of the pillows by his kotatsu, chin in hand and elbow on the table. He finds it surprisingly comfortable and not at all awkward now, talking to Sousuke. Maybe it's because Sousuke tends to have that kind of power, being able to turn a conversation around like flipping the page in a book. And he's grateful for it, because Sousuke's the first one of the people Haru knows who's able to do such a thing. And he really needs a person like that in his life.

"As usual. I like his company, for the most part. We just hung out, I guess." He hesitates a little before continuing. "I drew him, too."

" _You did? Oh man, I'd like to see that. Do you draw people often?_ "

"No," Haru replies. "I've only done it a few times."

" _You think you'd be willing to draw me one day? Or do I have to pay you to do that, like a commission?_ "

Haru's eyes widen for a second, but then he finds himself smiling. "I guess I could do that. For free."

" _Even better. I'll repay you with food. If that's okay. Dinner out or something. Or lunch! Lunch is okay, too_."

Haruka finds Sousuke's clumsiness a little endearing, and he exhales slowly, letting himself relax. "Whichever's fine with me. I prefer dinner, though."

" _Dinner it is. How about Saturday? I can come over and you can paint or draw me or whatever, and then I'll take you out. To dinner._ "

"Okay," Haru says. "Saturday sounds good. I... I look forward to it."

" _Oh. Okay, yeah. Yeah, I'll come over early afternoon then. And I do, too. It was nice talking to you like this, Haru._ "

A sudden sense of melancholy washes over him, and Haru's glad the conversation is nearing its end. He feels tired, and wants to do nothing but go to bed; he probably needs a lot of rest if he's going to be able to cope with Saturday's planned events. Despite this, he does feel oddly okay with it. As long as the evening isn't spent at his or Sousuke's place, he figures it'll be fine. Heading home after dinner should be okay, and not make him feel like things are moving too fast or like this is a mistake. He wanted this, after all, so now he's got to deal with the consequences of his choice.

"See you on Saturday. And... likewise, Sousuke."

Sousuke hangs up first, and Haru lets out a long sigh as he puts his phone back down on the table. Small steps, deep breaths. He's in control of the situation, the driver of this train, and wherever this goes is completely in his hands. All he needs to make sure of is to keep the train on the tracks and keep it from derailing, and he'll be fine. _They'll_ be fine. But for right now, all he can do is focus on the present, or at least the very near future, and that means preparing for his odd 'date' on Saturday.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru spends a not-so-normal Saturday with Sousuke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And in comes a character I don't think I've incorporated to any of my fics before if not in like a drabble or two ([cough](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4479068)). Interesting. (does the air quotes thing)

"Promise me not to freak out. I don't know who else to talk to. Just... don't tell anyone. Okay?"

" _I'm insulted, Haru. I would never tell anyone if you told me not to._ "

"Fine, fine. Okay, so I'm... going on a date with Sousuke. On Saturday."

" _What?!_ " Kisumi nearly shouts in his ear, and Haru winces, holding the phone away from his ear for a second or two, making sure Kisumi's stopped yelling before putting it back.

"I told you to promise not to freak out."

" _I never said I wouldn't, I only agreed to not tell anyone. But Sousuke, why him of all people? I mean, don't get me wrong — I love the guy. But I didn't know you did._ "

Haru groans, not liking how Kisumi's so right on the money despite not at all being filled in on the situation. He wonders when he'd ended up having so many perceptive friends. He honestly doesn't know how Kisumi would react if he found out even a fraction of the backstory to all of this, as to how he's in this situation to begin with. He's fairly certain Kisumi would take it a lot better than Rin, but he still isn't up for pouring out half his life story to this guy to begin with. Maybe another day.

"Anyway," he says, doing his best to ignore Kisumi's comment, "I don't know what to do."

" _What do you mean 'you don't know what to do'? It's a date. You go out to dinner, you have a good time, either you invite him up to your place or he invites you over, and either things happen or they don't. You know what I mean by 'things', too, I hope. Don't tell me you've never been on a date before, Haru._ "

"Shut up," Haru grumbles. "That's... the thing. I don't want that. I mean, we'll already have spent the day together, and I... want to take it slow."

" _So take it slow, then! Sousuke's a good guy, he won't be upset if you want it to end the evening after dinner. I think it'd be a shame, but that's just me. Can I ask why?_ "

"I'd rather you didn't. You, er... you think he'll be okay with that?"

Kisumi laughs. " _Yes, Haru, stop freaking out, jeez. If he wants to go on a date with you, he likes you. He doesn't just jump in bed with anyone._ "

Haru wants to doubt that statement, but he's not actually sure anymore. Kisumi's always had this endless amount of optimism that surpasses Makoto's by a longshot, and as much as Haru wishes to have even an ounce of it for himself, he feels like it's almost impossible. He's never been an optimist, but he wouldn't call himself a pessimist either. _Realist_ sounds a little better in his ears, while Makoto tends to wrinkle his nose at that every now and then. He pulls the duvet up a little further until it's right under his chin, and sighs.

"If you say so. Sorry I've kept you up; I should probably go to sleep soon, too, since I have to be up early."

" _Still working at the pastry shop? I really should come visit one day! Bring Makoto and make you guys go bankrupt with all the pastries we'd eat. I'm sure Makoto's a regular by now, isn't he?_ "

Haru rolls his eyes. "Actually, no. I think he knows I don't want him over there every day. It's not good for his health, either. You can come over if you promise not to make us go bankrupt. And don't become a regular."

" _You're as cold as ever, Haru,_ " Kisumi complains, sounding _just_ like he did back in high school, complete with that whining voice of his. This guy hasn't changed a bit. " _But okay, I can agree to that. Talk to you soon. Good night, Haru!_ "

Haru hangs up, and puts his phone on charge on the nightstand. He's got some strange friends, that's for sure, but he loves them nevertheless. Even Kisumi. Not that he'd let Kisumi know that, since he'd never, ever let Haru live that down.

Talking to his childhood friend had put him in a slightly better state than he was before calling. Calmer, maybe. Thinking that maybe it won't be so bad, after all, to have dinner with Sousuke, despite everything that's happened between them. One part of him wants to desperately get rid of that 'maybe', but the other part wants to desperately cling to it and wave an additional 'what if'-flag in his face. And that side, of course, is the prominent one.

 

* * *

 

Haru begins his Saturday morning early, almost absurdly so. He makes himself breakfast consisting of just white rice with a tofu and vegetable miso soup, eats by his big window in the living room, and listens to the ambient sounds of a town just waking up. Haru never used to be much of a morning person before probably well into his second year of high school, or towards the end of it. Ever since, he's learnt to hate mornings less and less, and nowadays he doesn't have a problem with getting up at four every weekday morning to go to work. He's still got a long way to go before he can literally rise and shine, however.

Finishing up the dishes and putting them on the rack to dry, he goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and proceeds to change into clothes more suitable for jogging — those sweatpants he just wore are  _definitely_ not something he'd want to wear when out jogging. Not because they've got dolphins on them, because he couldn't care less about what people think, but because they're far too flimsy to run in. He's pretty sure he'd end up tripping and falling because of them, and he definitely doesn't want to scrape his knees while wearing his favourite pair of sweatpants.

He runs up the trail leading up to the Misagozaki shrine, by which there isn't a single soul around when he runs by it. The shrine looks weirdly lonely like that, but Haru doesn't feel like stopping by, so he just glances at it before continuing down the trail on the other side leading down a foresty path, and then he slows down a bit, taking in the scent of the morning dew still lingering on the leaves and grass around him, listening to the birds who have probably been up far longer than he has. He wonders how birds survive on such little sleep, but doesn't dwell on the thought for long.

When he comes back home, Haruka gets into the shower quickly to rinse the sweat off of him and wash his hair, before sinking into a bath tub filled to the brim with hot water that splashes over the edge as he climbs in. With a borderline dreamy sigh, Haruka sinks into the water and closes his eyes, enjoying the silence and solitude that won't last very long. Soon enough, he's going to have to make himself lunch, and not long after lunch time, he's going to have a guest over.

It just doesn't sound right to call Sousuke a 'guest'. But if not, what is he? What could Haru call him, a friend? Ha, what a joke — they'd barely even become friends before entering this... this arrangement of theirs. Haru hates thinking about it, thinking about the fact that he'd thrown away every shred of his dignity in order to have sex with Sousuke, be close to Sousuke, while the other's reasons for going into it had been vastly different from his.

A quick and light lunch of simple kakitama-jiru and leftover rice later when it's already way past lunch time — it's a wonder Sousuke has yet to arrive, Haru almost wonders if he's gotten lost again — Haru tidies up the not-so-big mess in his living room. There's just a few crumpled up sketches on his table, accompanied by a shirt haphazardly thrown into the corner just by the door out to his patio. The sudden ring on his doorbell makes Haru jump, and then he takes a deep breath to calm his racing heart before walking out to open the door. He hates how his hand's shaking as he goes to turn the handle, and how he gets dizzy when he's standing face to face with Sousuke.

"Hey," Sousuke says. "Got here a little later than 'lunch time', hope that's okay."

Haruka shakes his head and steps aside to let his guest slash date in. "It's fine. Do you want anything to drink? Coffee, tea, water? I don't have much to offer, sadly."

"Oh. Er, no, thanks. Honestly I'm just itching to have you draw me. Hopefully not like a French girl, though."

"Very funny," Haru says with a snort. "No, I won't. Right... I feel like doing something different to what I did with Makoto, would be boring to do another 'person standing by the window' drawing."

Sousuke laughs a little. "Fine with me. Just tell me how you want me to pose, or whatever."

He walks over to the big window by which Makoto had been sitting the other day when Haru drew him, looks out with an exhale, his shoulders relaxing. Only just now does Haru notice Sousuke's nervous, too. It makes him feel a little better about his own nervousness, for some reason. "You've got a really nice view from here."

"Yeah," Haru agrees and picks up his sketchpad and pens from the table. "Could you sit by the kotatsu? I think I'm going to draw a bust instead of a full-body drawing. If that's okay with you."

Sousuke nods. "Sure. Yeah, whichever's fine with me. I mean, you're still drawing me, and that's all I wanted out of this. And— and the date."

Haru feels his cheeks burn a little at that remark, and he's glad he's able to turn his gaze downward and immerse himself in the drawing instead of having to focus too much on the conversation. He's still not sure on whether or not he likes the effect Sousuke has on him.

So he stands in front of Sousuke and begins sketching, and Sousuke makes small talk with him as he does. The last time they'd attempted small talk was in the park when Haru accidentally bumped into Sousuke by the park, and that 'conversation' had been anything but pleasant. This one's actually rather pleasant, and it doesn't make Haru feel anxious or like he wants to prematurely end things. He doesn't know how he'll feel as the day progresses and during dinner in a few hours, but that'll be something to discover when he gets there. It doesn't do him any good to dwell on those things now, or it'll  _definitely_ make him worry. There's still a tiny voice in the back of his head, like a whisper, telling him to not let his guard down just yet.

"So when did you start drawing?"

Haru shrugs. "I kind of always have been. On and off during childhood, more seriously in recent years, switching out crayons for actual pencils and paintbrushes. I don't know why, really. I guess... it's relaxing. Takes my mind off things."

Sousuke hums. "I've yet to see _anything_ you've drawn, so you've definitely got me curious. Do you have the drawing of Tachibana lying around?"

"I don't," he says. "He wanted to have it, so I gave it to him."

"Oh. Do you do actual commissions, by the way? I know I'd said I could pay you earlier, but you declined, so I'm just wondering."

"Yeah, but not too often. A few come in every month, but that's about it. And it's also probably about as much as I can handle, with work, too."

He wonders how people actually survive solely on their art, knowing it's something he definitely wouldn't be able to pull off. He fears his imagination would just run out one day, and at that point, when all he'd have is art, what would he do? What would he have to fall back on? He likes it the way things are right now, with him only having a few commissions every now and then, and doesn't want things to change. A less hectic pace is more than welcome, but he knows that's too much to ask for, anyway.

Haru offers Sousuke to take a break when he's about two thirds through, and when he's switched between standing up and sitting down every now and then, both to get some rest or himself, but also to get a better grip on angles and such. Sousuke turns his offer down and tells him to just keep going, and it's not that Haru minds; he feels like he could probably draw this all in one go — it's just him thinking about what's comfortable and  _not_ comfortable for Sousuke.

At least it isn't a coloured drawing or full-fledged painting he's going to do, it's all just lines, shadowing and monochrome colours not requiring anything else than what he's got in his hands and on the kotatsu table. Had it been a full body drawing, things would've obviously been different, and he would've  _needed_  a break, maybe two. And Sousuke would need breaks, too, since those take several hours.

He switches to his slightly thicker pen to start shading his drawing, erasing messy lines, adjusting shapes and proportions. Overall, he's surprisingly very happy with how it came out. It's just a matter of whether or not Sousuke likes it, which in and of itself is something that makes Haru incredibly nervous just thinking about.

"Okay, I'm done," Haruka finally says, looking up at the clock on his wall, which already shows five. That means he's been drawing and they've been 'hanging out' for over two hours. So far, he doesn't feel like he has to run away or be worried about anything, so maybe the rest of the evening will go well, too. He's still too stubborn to get rid of the 'maybe', but tells himself it's good to have it there since he doesn't want to get disappointed, either in himself, in Sousuke or the evening in general.

Sousuke gets up and looks like a child in a store full of sweets. "Let me see. I've been curious about this since you put your pen to the paper  _hours_ ago."

A little reluctant, Haru hands the sketchpad over to Sousuke, glad he'd pulled the other sketches of his date out a while ago so he wouldn't run the risk of Sousuke flipping through the pages and discovering them. God knows what kind of reactions that would evoke, and what consequences they'd bring.

"Haru, this is... wow. Do I  _look_ that handsome? I could almost date myself. This is amazing."

Haru bites back a laugh. "I'm not the best at drawing as realistically as possible, but I do try. And thank you."

"What, are you saying I'm  _not_ this handsome?" His breath hitches in his throat, and he feels his ears burn. Sousuke snickers at him, and Haru wants to kick him. "Relax, I'm kidding."

"It's— it's how I... see you. Take that as you want."

With those words, Haru marches out into the hallway and stands by the staircase. The urge to run away is growing, but that's just because he's embarrassed. Even so, that isn't one of the emotions he'd wanted to experience tonight. If possible, he would've preferred to stay neutral, to not really  _feel_ anything besides safety and general contentment with the situation.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out Sousuke would follow Haru out into the hallway, because just a minute or two after Haru's walked out on him, Sousuke comes to join him. Haru listens to his footsteps, socks on hardwood floor, hesitant, as if he's wondering if it's okay for him to be here. And of course it is, because Haru had told him it was okay to come over in the first place. Haru's just acting like a child right now, but it seems like Sousuke's got enough patience to deal with that. Thankfully.

"I didn't mean to make you embarrassed. I'm sorry," Sousuke mumbles, and Haru's heart aches with guilt for overreacting. He still doesn't turn around, but exhales slowly, letting himself relax a little.

"It's fine, I just overreacted."

"Okay. Did you mean it?"

"Yeah."

Sousuke goes silent for a few seconds, and Haru hears his heart pound loudly in his ears. He hates how easy it is for him to react like this, like it's the end of the world when all he did was say a few super cheesy words to the guy he's madly in love with. And it wasn't even a confession of love, because he's already gotten that out of the way.

"Feels weird to have someone think of me that way.  _See_ me that way, I suppose."

"I bet."

Because he's never been there himself, and he doesn't know what it's like to be put up on a pedestal. He knows that's probably what he's doing with Sousuke, even though he's well aware of Sousuke's faults and flaws. Even so, he's probably  _still_ regarding Sousuke higher than he should, but he doesn't know how to stop.

"Haru?"

"Yes?"

"Can I... hug you?"

It's such a simple, innocent question. Asking for consent in regards to something as trivial as an embrace — such a thing doesn't  _have_ to mean anything besides friendly things. But between the two of them, it would mean  _anything_ but friendly things, more than friendly. And maybe that's why Sousuke's asking. Because he's aware of Haru wanting to take things slow, wanting to let himself get used to things in this new thing they have.

"Yes," Haru finds himself responding, before turning around. Sousuke looks at him, looking like he's  _still_ wondering if it's okay. So Haru takes the first step towards Sousuke, takes another. Closes the distance between them, and hesitantly wraps his arms around Sousuke's neck, standing on his toes. Soon enough, Sousuke returns the gesture by putting his arms around Haru's waist, burying his face in Haru's shoulder.

"Thank you," he says, voice muffled by the fabric of Haru's shirt, and Haru frowns to himself in confusion.

"For what?"

"For this. The drawing, for today, for everything. I'm glad we did this."

"You sound like such a sap", Haru mutters. "And we have yet to actually go out to dinner."

"Oh, speaking of which," Sousuke says and lifts his face, "you hungry?"

 

* * *

 

Sousuke had joked about the two of them going to an izakaya 'since it's technically after work for Haru, and he wouldn't mind having a few beers with his dinner', but they'd eventually decided on an  _actual_ restaurant. Of course, Haru gets his grilled mackerel, and Sousuke his beloved pork. Haru's not much of a meat person, but Sousuke's yakibuta ramen  _does_ look and smell very good. Not that he's willing to ruin the flavours of his own dish, so he's glad Sousuke isn't offering him any of his food.

Dinner is conversations on various topics, mixed with laughter here and there, and it's a generally pleasant experience. These are things Haru shouldn't be surprised of, yet he finds himself being surprised at how much easier it's gotten to be around Sousuke. For the most part, of course; that little mishap earlier sure isn't something Haru wishes to go through again, but that's just how relationships work. It isn't all just a dance on roses — sometimes you'll prick yourself on the thorns, too. It's something he's had to learn as a part of growing up, but he feels like he still hasn't gotten it down.

When they exit the restaurant and it's gotten dark already, Haru has a smile on his face, and Sousuke's  _still_ laughing. Sousuke drives him back to his house, and when he stops right down the street, Haru almost doesn't want to get out of the car.

"Thanks for dinner," he says. "I really enjoyed it."

"So did I. And you're welcome; I'd love to do it again. If you want to."

Haru nods, looking down at his hands in his lap. "I'll call you. Soon."

"Good."

He finally turns to meet Sousuke's gaze, and a strong urge to kiss him washes over Haru. He leans forward, and Sousuke follows suit, but then Haru stops. He bites his lower lip and sighs through his nose. "Good night, Sousuke."

There's a hint of disappointment coming over Sousuke's facial features, but only for less than half a second before he smiles a little again. "Good night, Haru."

Haru gets out of the car and walks back up to his house. The smile still lingers on his lips as he closes the door behind him and is all alone again. This time, it doesn't feel too bad  _being_ alone.

He flops down onto his bed after a quick shower with a long sigh. He'd been so occupied during dinner that he hadn't even noticed the message he'd received, and he isn't surprised to see who it's from.

 **SHIGINO, KISUMI:** _Good luck tonight, Haru, I'm rooting for you! I know things'll go well. I'm gonna spare you the clichés and just say I'll talk to you later_.

 

He shakes his head with a smile, typing away a reply.

 **YOU** :  _Things did go well. He liked the drawing, and dinner was good_.

 

Not even seconds later, Kisumi's reply vibrates his phone, and Haru blinks in surprise.

 **SHIGINO, KISUMI** :  _Did you kiss him? Please tell me you did. I'm guessing you're not with him now since you're texting me, which means no sex on the first date. At least tell me you kissed him_.

 

 **YOU** :  _I didn't_.

 

And when Kisumi calls him, Haru turns his phone off and goes to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..... almost! (avoids eggs thrown at me) In time, I promise. The "slow burn" tag is there for a reason, after all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is why we can't have nice things.

_He's back there again. On the start block of the pool, staring into the dark abyss below. People around him are cheering, but the sounds are distant, almost as if he's already under the surface. He sees those emotionless dummies line up on the start blocks to his sides, almost hears the rattling of their limbs, the clacking of their feet as they get into position. This time, Haru doesn't bend down to prepare for his dive into the water. This time, he gets off the start block and begins walking away from the pool, from the noise, and from a future he doesn't want for himself._

_But the dummies follow suit, and they walk close behind him, some so close that he feels them brush up against his skin. One of them appears right next to him, its face so close he should be able to feel its breath fanning across his skin. But it's a doll, it isn't a living thing, it's just there to pressure him into making a decision he knows he'll regret. Maybe it's a manifestation of other things in his life still reminding him of what could have happened, what they still think he should've done with his future instead of working at a pastry shop._

_Worthless. Pathetic. Sad excuse for a human being. Doesn't appreciate his friends, doesn't deserve them._ _The jeers inside his head are almost deafening, and he tries to ignore the voices, shake them away and get them out of his head. Things had been so good recently, of course something like this would happen. Because what's he done to deserve it? Nothing. The voices are right. He doesn't deserve his friends, even though he does appreciate them. He doesn't deserve someone like Sousuke falling for him. If he even is, which Haru still doubts._

_Two unidentifiable figures appear before him, and their laughs are menacing, loud, scary, and they make Haru want to run away. He looks over his shoulder to find Makoto blocking the exit instead of those mannequins. With no way of escaping, Haru simply stands in place as the silhouettes talk. The shorter one is more talkative, it sounds scornful, like it's mocking Haru._

_"Just look at where you ended up compared to me. Working in a pastry shop, ha. Try Olympic swimmer. Oh, but you were too scared to take that road, weren't you? You're pathetic, Haru."_

_Oh, it's Rin. How surprising, it's just like last time. Will he ever stop bothering Haru even in his dreams?_

_He stops paying attention to what the Rin silhouette is telling him until it utters a sentence that sends a dagger through Haru's heart._

_"You'll never have him to yourself as long as I'm around."_

_And that's when he realises who the taller silhouette is._

*

Haru wakes up with a jolt. He's drenched in sweat, feels like he's run a marathon, and his breathing is heavy, uneven. He looks at his phone to try and get a bearing of what time it is, at least, and finds out that it's just past four in the morning. Which means he's been asleep for three hours. Not that he thinks he'll be able to go back to sleep, so he decides not to. He kicks the covers off of him and gets out of bed to take a shower, and then he spends the rest of his early morning sketching by the kotatsu, where he keeps the TV on with low volume as company.

This time, he doesn't find the sound of the TV annoying. Usually, he doesn't feel lonely when he's alone like this, but now he does.

 

* * *

 

Aside from the occasional text message, Haru hasn't talked to Sousuke since their date, which by now was nearly a week ago. Of course, he isn't really doing anything about that himself, so he's partly to blame for the lack of communication between them. Besides, they'd agreed on taking things slow, so maybe it isn't so unexpected for them to be like this now. It's just that Haru wants more than he already has — though he doesn't feel like he can say he really  _has_  anything to begin with — but he's afraid of allowing himself more. Allowing himself the peace and general satisfaction he hasn't felt in years.

At the same time, Haruka doesn't want his happiness to depend on others, which, in his current state and position, it would.

When he's spent more than half his so-called "sick day" in bed (he'd called in sick since he didn't have the energy to put on a pair of trousers and an okay shirt), Haru finally manages to get himself out of bed. And put on a pair of sweatpants, as compensation.

Considering himself at least somewhat decent, Haru brushes his teeth before he heads out the door. All he knows is that he needs some fresh air, and it doesn't really matter where he ends up or if he goes for a regular walk or a run. Running has taken more place in his somewhat regular exercise, since he still can't really bring himself to spend a whole lot of time in a swimming pool without feeling like he'd drown. And he certainly doesn't mind it, since running tends to tire him out more than swimming does.

He takes the one of his regular routes down from his and Makoto's house and along the outskirts of town, which fits pretty well today considering the fact that he's 'home sick from work', and runs a pretty low risk of running into someone from the pastry shop when he's out on his run. He hasn't skipped out on work or even school since his second year of high school, so it certainly feels weird to be in this situation again. Maybe that shows just how much he's grown and matured since then.

On his way back up into town, Haru purposefully avoids running past the ocean. Funny how both he and Makoto now avoid the ocean as much as they can, but for so very different reasons.

Haru's mood has improved a little when he returns home to take a quick shower and then soak in his tub for well over an hour, maybe two. As much as he'd like to do this more often, he knows he'd probably get himself fired if kept taking a day off every now and then. His boss knows him well enough to know that Haru rarely ever gets sick, not even the falling a victim to the common cold, so it isn't a card he can use very often.

 

* * *

 

Haru's standing in the pastry shop's kitchen when he receives the news that "a friend of his" has arrived from one of his co-workers. He knows exactly which "friend" this is before even peeking out from where he stands, and prepares himself with an exasperated sigh and a hand drawn down his face. When he walks out and behind the counter, he's greeted by a whirl of bubblegum pink hair, blue eyes and a smile brighter than those lights shining in your face when you're at the dentist's office. He even squints a bit as he looks at Kisumi.

"What do you want?"

"Wow, hi to you, too," Kisumi says, and leans forward on the counter. "Hi, Haru. I wanted to visit you at work!"

"I thought I told you _not_ to come."

"No, you told me not to become a regular. Which I can't really promise, anyway, but I'll try."

"You won't."

Kisumi grins. "You know I love you, Haru."

"You're not getting anything for free, Kisumi. Get out or pay like any other person does."

"Fine," his friend grumbles and leans forward on the counter with a pout. "A caramel frappuccino, please."

"Gross," Haru says, wrinkling his nose, but turns around to make the sugar bomb for his friend nonetheless. Okay, so maybe having Kisumi around as a distraction might not be such a bad thing every now and then. He knows Kisumi means well, and that he just teases Haru to brighten his mood, but sometimes he feels like Kisumi can be a little  _too_ much. A little over the top, extravagant, bright — everything Haru isn't, and will never be. He doesn't  _want_ to be.

Topping with a swirl of caramel sauce on top of Kisumi's frappuccino, Haru places it in front of his customer with a complimentary glare. "Anything else?"

"I'm good. Thanks,  _honey_."

"Shut up, or I'll kick you out," he grumbles.

Kisumi decides to stay for the rest of his lunch break and converse not only with him, but pretty much every one of Haru's co-workers, who seem glad to talk to someone nice and happy for once. Haru just sighs and goes back to work, cleaning off tables when necessary. When he gets a break for himself, he lets Kisumi convince him to come outside for some air and a 'chit-chat'. Honestly, that guy and his expressions. Haru wonders when he'll ever stop being surprised.

"So," Kisumi says, and Haru knows exactly what he wants just by hearing that 'so', and he holds back a sigh. "Have you talked to Sousuke anything since the date?"

"No."

"Why not? I thought things went well!"

"They did. I don't want to talk about it, at least not right now. It's still a little new to me."

Kisumi looks like he wants to say something else about it, but wisely decides against it. "Fine. So, hey, we should all get together again soon. Go out drinking or something! I miss the other guys, too. I feel like you're all avoiding me or something."

"If you want to hang out, just say so," Haru mutters. "I'm sure both Rin and Makoto would want to."

His friend hums and leans against the wall of the shop building. He immediately straightens his back again, and literally drops his jaw as he looks somewhere behind Haru. "Oh. No way, wow. Well, this is—"

"I'll leave."

Haru's heart stops. He turns around to see Sousuke, who looks at him for less than half a second before averting his gaze. "Sousuke?"

"Sorry. I'll just... go."

He turns around again, and Haru stands in place, dumbly, not knowing whether or not to abandon Kisumi or chase after Sousuke. Why is he so hung up on Kisumi, all of a sudden? He shakes his head to himself. "Sorry, Kisumi. See you later."

What the hell was that about? He recalls Kisumi recounting a similar thing having happened when he saw Sousuke at the hospital, Sousuke just having had an appointment with a doctor regarding his shoulder injury, and him having left immediately upon seeing Kisumi. Thing is, Haru doesn't think Sousuke left  _just_ because of Kisumi this time, and that's probably why he's going after Sousuke right now.

He manages to catch up to Sousuke — seriously, that man has some _bizarrely_  long strides — and grabs his sleeve. "Wait. Why did you come?"

Sousuke stops. It takes him a few seconds, but then he sighs. "I wanted to see you."

"Okay. So why'd you suddenly leave?"

Sousuke turns around, and Haru lets go of his sleeve. "I didn't want him to find out."

Haru frowns. "Kisumi? About what?"

"About us."

"Why _not_?" Haru bristles, and Sousuke looks like he doesn't want to respond, like he knows Haru won't like what he has to say. And judging by the look on Sousuke's face, Haru's pretty sure he  _won't_ like it.

"Because if he knows, the entire town will know within a day. And we were supposed to take things slow. That wouldn't be ' taking it slow'. Kisumi's literally the worst person to find out."

Haru drops his arms to his sides, and he closes his eyes, swallowing hard. "Because if Kisumi finds out, Rin will, too. Right? That's what you're scared of. Rin finding out about us, and your chances of ever getting with him decreasing. I see how it is."

"That's not it!" Sousuke bellows. "I already  _told_ you—"

"Stop lying. To me, to yourself, just... stop. If you don't want to be with me, just say so. I'm not going to date you in the hopes that you'll one day forget about him. I already had sex with you because you wanted to get over him, but you still didn't. I'm not doing this."

This time, Sousuke's the one grabbing Haru's wrist, but he quickly pulls apart, and turns around to walk back to the shop, not even listening to Sousuke's calls chasing after him.

He sends a text to Kisumi saying he's going home for the day, not even bothering to send the same message to his co-workers or his boss. At this point, he doesn't care whether or not he gets to keep his job, because he's not doing much to deserve it in the first place.

Kisumi, thankfully, just says they'll talk later, and that the offer about going out for drinks is still up in the air. Haru decides to think about it.

That night, he has the same nightmare again, and this time, he believes silhouette Rin's words without a second thought.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Matsuoka intervention ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, oops, I accidentally posted this chapter before I was done. I need to really pay attention to whether or not I'm pressing the "Edit Chapter" or "Post Chapter" button. Yeesh. Apologies if you're subscribed and got an email saying this was posted earlier, only to find it deleted. It's here now! (nervous laugh)

When Haru comes in through the door on Friday evening, he snaps out of his day-long trance and doesn't even remember where he's been. A quick glance down at what he's wearing tells him he's at least been to work, but it's almost as if someone deleted most of this day from his memory. He quickly scrambles for his phone in his pocket, and when he finds it's still there, he exhales slowly in relief, closing his eyes. It's a good thing he doesn't have a car, because he probably would've gotten himself in an accident a long time ago if he had one. And god knows whether he'd make it out of that one alive or not, with as much bad luck as he's had in life.

He leans against the wall next to him and slides down onto his knees. Haru's been too stubborn to take his medicine lately, since it sometimes tends to keep him up all night, and there's been more than a handful of instances where he's ended up throwing up his dinner into the toilet just seconds after having finished eating. He knows the food thing isn't because he doesn't cook properly or that he's using bad groceries, and his therapist  _had_  told him his pills could cause him nausea. Of course, he hasn't even bothered going back to try and switch to a different brand or change his prescription, so the only one to blame in this is himself. As usual.

Haru sits on the floor for a while until he finally has the energy to get up and cook himself some dinner. He knows that if he doesn't eat and at least try to sleep, those tension headaches will come back, and probably with a vengeance, too. Maybe to stay for longer than last time, and he certainly can't afford to have that happen. He still has to get up to work every weekday, and with a pounding tension headache constantly haunting him, his concentration levels drop drastically and he's unable to properly focus on what he needs to do. And when he has to work, that's a very bad thing. It's a good thing he doesn't work with too sharp knives, since his carelessness would easily have him take a finger out if worst case scenario were to happen.

His dinner ends up consisting of just an omelette and some leftover rice from god knows when. If anything, this might make him throw up his dinner, but he finds himself not really caring whether or not it stays in his system this time.

With dinner out of the way, Haru decides to run a bath, planning on soaking in the hot water for probably hours on end. But maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea, considering he might run the risk of catching a cold over the weekend, possibly carrying into Monday, too. He doesn't think his boss would believe him, were he to call in sick and actually be sick this time. The boy who cried wolf, and all that. How many times would he be able to pull the sick card in a short amount of time? He has no idea, and doesn't know if he's willing to test it.

Honestly, as much as he keeps telling himself he doesn't give a flying fuck on toast whether or not he gets to keep his job or not, he  _does_  care. It's one of the big things in his life keeping him sane, and if he loses his job, he's got even more time to sit around and do nothing, more time to let the demons in his head rant to him about how miserable of a person he is. Keeping himself busy is the best he can do to keep them and other issues at bay, so maybe he'll just have to continue hauling himself into work every weekday and bear with it.

Haru spends two hours in the bath and nearly falls asleep twice, but his as soon as his head had leaned forward too much, he'd snapped awake. After the second time, he'd decided it was probably about time to get out. Besides, the water _had_ gone cold a while ago, and as much as he wouldn't mind being home from work for a legit reason, he knows he probably can't even if he  _does_  get sick. He tells himself that sleeping under a thick duvet and wearing sweatpants might prevent catching a cold, but it's probably more likely that he wakes up close to suffering from a heatstroke that way.

 

* * *

 

There's an incessant ringing on his doorbell when Haruka is literally yanked back into conscience at ass o'clock in the morning the next day. He slowly opens one eye, frowning at the sliver of light shining in through the lazily drawn curtains, and groans, turning over and pulling his pillow over his head. Soon enough, his doorbell goes quiet, and Haruka sighs in relief, only to seconds later hear his phone ringing on the nightstand. He lets out an exasperated sigh before he reaches for it and pulls out the charger before looking at his display. The name he sees on there is probably the last person he thought would actually call him. Is this who was just ringing on his doorbell for their dear life?

"Yes?" he says upon answering, still half-asleep.

" _Haruka-senpai, are you at home? I've been ringing on your doorbell for several minutes now. Probably five._ "

So it was her. "I am. I'm asleep. Is it important?"

" _Yes. Please get dressed and come open the door._ "

"Can't you come back? Give me an hour—"

" _Haruka-senpai!_ "

He can't say no to that manager-y voice of hers; there are quite a few reasons as to why they'd made her their manager back in high school. But the reasons to keep her just kept growing as time went by. And although Haru never really had much of a friendship with her in the past — he wonders if they do even now — he _did_ value her as their manager, and as someone who helped bring him closer to Rin again. Even though he sometimes wonders why he's still friends with Rin, he still loves him, despite everything. And of course, he's thankful to Gou for having been part of making things happen.

This entire scene with having a redhead Matsuoka on his doorstep makes him think back to his last year of high school when Rin forcefully brought him to Australia on what Rin thought would be a soul-searching and life-changing trip. No, it hadn't been that easy, and if Gou is trying to aim for something similar, he's going to have to politely — or maybe not so, since she  _had_ woken Haru up, after all — shut the door in her face and go back to bed. 

Having given up on trying to make her leave, Haruka lets Gou in under the stipulation that she stops calling him 'senpai'. It creeps him out, and he never really like it while they were in high school, either. Same thing went for Rei, of course — he even preferred Nagisa calling him 'Haru-chan' rather than having an upperclassman honorific attached to his name. It made him feel like they put him up on a pedestal, and in Rei's case it was probably true, and like he was just distant from them. Unable or not allowed to get close to those who he wanted to call his friends.

"Make yourself at home, I guess," he says. "Do you want something?  _Breakfast_ , perhaps?"

He hopes she'll take the hint and at least think about when to visit people during the day. Honestly, before ten on a Saturday? Does this girl not sleep? Maybe she's like him, having insomnia every now and then... no. No, he can't just assume things about people based on something he may or may not just imagine. He's never going to be able to find someone whom he can relate to that much, or the other way around, and he probably shouldn't be looking for that person in his childhood friend's sister, either.

"I'm good," Gou replies. "Thanks for offering, though."

Haru shrugs and goes into the kitchenette where he begins putting on some rice before he goes back out to sit down on the opposite side of the kotatsu. "So what did you want?"

"Don't get mad at me or anything now," she warns. "I've... been talking to Sousuke-kun a lot recently—"

"I don't want to talk about this," Haru says and gets up again to walk out into the kitchen. "You can leave."

"I'm not going to leave, Haruka."

"And I'm not going to talk about  _Yamazaki_. You can stay all you want, but I'm not doing it."

Gou shuts up, and Haru turns his attention back to the stove in front of him, where he fries his mackerel, seasons and flips it, listens to the sizzling in the pan. He knew Sousuke and Gou used to be friends back in high school, and before that when they attended Sano Elementary together, but he never would've expected them to go beyond that and be  _good_  friends who talked about issues like these.

He finds Sousuke to be a hypocrite; talking to Gou about this when he wouldn't even dream of having Kisumi be aware of their relationship, or whatever it is. Okay, so maybe Kisumi's more likely to kiss and tell than he thinks Gou would be, but it's still an outsider. Someone who doesn't really benefit from knowing about what's going on between Sousuke and Haru.

When he's done cooking, he sits down by the kotatsu again to eat. This time when Gou talks, she asks him about the pastry shop, about the commissions he's doing less and less of these days — which, of course, she doesn't know — and just how things are generally going in his life. He wants to just give Gou a shrug in response to everything, because he isn't in the mood to talk at all, but figures he should probably dignify her with  _something_ , considering the fact she'd come all the way here. She must be at least a  _little_  concerned about him, right?

Haru finishes eating and goes back into the kitchen to clean up, and Gou offers to help him make tea. He gives in, and lets her go about her own business while he takes care of his own stuff. The more time he spends with her around, the less he finds her presence annoying. He knows she means well, and realises she must be worried about him. Otherwise she would've probably said to come back another day to talk about Sousuke, whatever it was she would've wanted to talk to him about regarding that guy.

When they're having tea with the TV on as low background noise, Haru finds his curiosity grow more and more, and then he can't contain it any longer. "Fine, talk about whatever it was you wanted to talk about. What's so urgent?"

Gou exhales slowly through her nose. "I don't mean to guilt-trip you or anything, but he's been feeling anything but good lately. Ever since that day he came to see you."

"Wow, he really  _does_  tell you everything," Haru says sarcastically. "I'm surprised."

She gives him a pointed look before continuing, after having been rudely interrupted by her former high school senior. "Anyway. As I was saying, he feels bad about how things ended between you that time. He obviously didn't mean it that way, that he's afraid onii-chan would find out because he still likes him. So maybe it's still a little difficult being around onii-chan, but did you really expect anything else? He's liked onii-chan for a long time, of course he's not going to just stop feeling weird around him just because he doesn't like him anymore."

"How do you know he doesn't like Rin, and that he isn't just feeding you lies?"

"There it is. You don't trust him, do you, Haruka?"

Haru opens his mouth to respond, but he doesn't know how. Yes, a relationship is built on trust, so maybe that's why they might not really work out, after all. Haru doesn't trust Sousuke, but maybe in time, he would? Things like building up trust take time, especially when it's for someone who used to love someone else. There's that one thought constantly knocking on the door of his mind, asking ' _what if he still likes Rin?_ ', which also makes Haru want to take things excruciatingly slow just to test Sousuke out. To see if he really  _can_  get over Rin, and that the two of them can move on together, from having originally been fuckbuddies, and then actually start dating.

"No. At least not yet", he finally admits. "You can't blame me, though."

"I can't, and I know why you're reluctant," Gou says, before finishing her cup of tea. "Haruka, he just— really wants to apologise. And to start over... again, I suppose."

"So he sent you as his messenger instead of coming to me himself. Shows exactly how much he wants this", Haru responds, and rolls his eyes. Haru would've understood it had their roles been reversed, since he's still terrified of confrontation, and uses the first opportunity he gets to escape. But when it's Sousuke being scared of coming to Haru and talking about this, he doesn't understand it, and it makes him think Sousuke might not be so serious about this, after all. Maybe he's got cold feet, that would explain a thing or two about the other day.

"Again, can you blame him? He's scared of screwing up more than he already has. I would be, too, I'm pretty sure."

Haru probably would be, too.

When he doesn't have anything good to say in response, he goes quiet and finishes his tea, as well. Gou pours them seconds, having already made herself feel at home, and then they sit around quietly for a while, in a silence only slightly interrupted by the low volume of the TV.

Haruka mulls over Gou's words, thinks about what she's said and the meaning behind it. Tries to believe in them, believe that Sousuke's been feeling miserable about what happened between them when he'd been with Kisumi. The more he thinks about it, the more it makes him think that maybe he's just overreacting, after all. If only he would've let Sousuke finish talking before he stormed off, maybe things would've been different now.

"Have you talked to Makoto-senpai about this?"

It was only a matter of time before she'd start talking again, really. Even he knew their conversation was far from over. Haru holds back a snort. Of _course_  he has, but Makoto doesn't understand, so there's no point in continuing to talk to him about something Makoto doesn't have any experience with, and thus can't have an understanding for. He may say he understands, but Haru knows he doesn't. How  _could_  he? Everything's been peachy keen for Makoto since he and Rin got together. He's got someone who's properly able to hold on to if he stumbles, someone to stand by his side and catch him if he falls, and Haru doesn't.

"Yeah," he says. "Not doing it again. He doesn't understand."

Gou hums. "I can see why. Well, I can't say I understand, either, but I'm friends with Sousuke-kun, and I know him pretty well. I'm not doing this to make things more difficult for you — rather, it's the opposite."

"I know."

She raises her eyebrows, but doesn't comment on it. "Please just talk to him. And _actually_  talk to him this time? I know you have your reasons to be hesitant, but just listen to what he has to say. You owe him that much, after having agreed to start things over."

Haru can't stop being surprised at just how much Gou knows about this. He can't even bring himself to be angry about it, since he's told Makoto about this, too. Maybe it was to be expected that they'd talk to someone they're close to, so that they wouldn't implode with all that's going on inside of their heads.

And suddenly, Haru can't even bring himself to be angry at Sousuke anymore.

"I'm gonna talk to him", he replies, and feels the need to clarify: "Soon."

Otherwise she would've probably just bugged him about it, anyway, reminding Haru of her persistent brother. Gou nods in approval, and then gets up from her pillow on the floor. "I'm glad. I'll help you clean up, and then I'll give you some peace and quiet."

He almost wants to protest and say that she doesn't have to feel that way, but he can't seem to get the words out. Sure, he'd been a bit annoyed at her ringing on his doorbell and calling his phone until he'd been forced to answer, but he knows it was all for a good reason. Gou cares, even about people she isn't too  close to, and while her ways of showing it can be a bit abrasive at times, Haru still finds it strangely endearing. She and Rin can be similar sometimes, but Haru definitely prefers her approach to solving problems over Rin's, that's for sure.

 

* * *

 

When they've cleaned up after themselves in the kitchen, Gou excuses herself and leaves. She tells him to stay in contact, and Haru actually thinks he might. When he's cleaned up in the kitchen and living room, he heads back upstairs and into his bedroom. Kicking his sweatpants off and throwing his t-shirt in a corner, he dives back in under the duvet and pulls it up to his ears with a long sigh.

He'll talk to Sousuke, he vows to himself. Soon. Not before he gets to sleep away the entire day and then feel bad about having wasted it in bed, however.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Gou goes" and "Kisumi's more likely to kiss and tell"... I really didn't mean for it to come out that way, it just happened, and I'm too bad with English to try and come up with something else. Seriously, screw these two names in particular.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke and Haru sort things out, round two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help me, a hundred people are subscribed to this fic. I can't believe this. Thank you SO much to everyone who's reading and commenting on this. I'm still absolutely blown away by the feedback and attention this fic has gotten in less than two months.

Haru miraculously manages to actually keep his job, and his boss doesn't even pay much mind to him as he almost sneaks in through the door early that morning. Maybe he should take that as a bad sign, but he doesn't have the energy to care much either way. As long as he manages to do his job and not piss anyone off or inconvenience them, he's good, and he'll get paid for the month. Then next month, the same process repeats. It's a constant reminder to keep his head above water level, to keep himself afloat as to not drown.

It takes him a lot more energy than he'd expected just to go through his daily work routine, and when he clocks out at five that evening, he wonders if he'll even make it back home in one piece. Having a car would've been great, but Haru knows better than to put himself behind the wheel in his mental state.

He makes himself a coffee to go before leaving, on the house thanks to his boss having noticed his sleep-deprived state. It's more like four double espressos in a medium sized cup than a regular coffee, but he doesn't fuss over the details. It's strong, yes, but it keeps him awake during the relatively short walk home. When he comes in through the door at home, he immediately beelines for the bin in his kitchen to discard his paper mug, and then he takes his shoes off.

Every time he comes home, he's reminded of just how lonely of a person he is, and how much he should really go out and see people. He knows he probably wouldn't be able to make many friends with his bad habit of voicing his thoughts out loud, and have them come out either as unpopular opinions or a little  _too_ harsh comments on something someone's said. It's seriously a wonder he's still managed to keep friends such as those he made in the swim team at Iwatobi, and Rin. Though sometimes he wonders how he'd get  _rid_ of friends like those he's made in the past few years. As much as he may want it sometimes, he knows he'll regret it once he'd actually managed to get them out of his life.

Haru cooks himself the usual meal, but eats half of it and saves the rest in a Tupperware in the fridge. He found himself staring at his phone for pretty much the duration of his dinner in front of a TV on as background noise, and when he's washed up after his meal, he decides to make that phone call he's been wanting to make since earlier that day. It didn't hit him right after Gou had left, and thankfully she hadn't been on his case about it after her visit, but it just gradually gnawed itself into his skull during the day. And now he presses a finger on the  _Yamazaki Sousuke_ contact in his phone, and then hits 'call'.

" _Hello? Uh... Haru?_ "

"Sousuke," he says, almost a sigh. "Can you... are you busy? Can you come over, or can I—"

" _I'm not busy. I'll come over soon._ "

Haru almost tells Sousuke to be careful before hanging up, half expecting Sousuke to throw himself into the car and stomp the gas pedal to get to Haru's place faster, with the way he'd sounded, and quickly gone from neutral to almost eager in his voice. All in two sentences — that has to be a new record for anyone Haru's ever met.

He goes upstairs to at least change into something that doesn't smell like disgustingly sweet pastries, and decides on a blue t-shirt accompanied with black sweatpants. Sweatpants is a staple in his 'not at work' attire, and he even wears it to the supermarket at times. Not that people in Iwatobi really care, but he knows that had he lived in a bigger town or even a city, you would've been expected to at least put on a pair of proper trousers when going out in public. He wonders if it'd be the same even if you're just going out to throw out the rubbish. Either way, this is just one of the smaller things about living in a small town that's actually a  _good_ thing.

Sousuke rings on his doorbell not even fifteen minutes after they'd hung up, at which point Haru's had plenty of time to get changed and even sit by his window and stare out at the cars going by on the street below. When he jumps down from said window and goes to open the door, his legs feel like jelly, and his throat is dry, borderline parched. He swallows and clears his throat to try and make it better, but it only does so much to actually help.

Haruka opens the door, and is immediately met with Sousuke standing on the other side. He's fidgeting with the collar on his shirt tucked inside his jacket, but his hand falls when Haru opens the door. "Hey", he says.

"Hey," Haru parrots. "Come in. Sorry for making you come all the way here."

Sousuke shrugs as he's let inside and begins shedding his outerwear. "'S fine. At least you've got a warm house. Still very much jealous about that."

Haru smiles a little, thinking back to the cold floor of Sousuke's apartment during winter. He realises he hasn't been there since before the new year, and it's been several months since, as they're almost into the spring months by now.

The two of them walk into the house proper, and Haru tells his guest to sit while he goes out to make them tea, despite Sousuke usually being a coffee person. He says he prefers tea on nights like these when it's cold outside and he needs something to warm him up. Coffee is for keeping himself awake, and for preventing him from 'being an ass to people around him when it's still too early for his brain to function'. Haru has to admit that, despite Sousuke's foul mouth, he does find Sousuke's expressions amusing.

He comes back into the living room and sets down their mugs before sitting down. Silence falls, and he finds himself fidgeting, trying to occupy his hands with something so that he doesn't go insane with how nervous he is. Haru sighs and interlocks his fingers on the low table. "I'm sorry", he begins.

Sousuke looks up at him, and Haru can only handle approximately two seconds of eye contact before he chickens out and looks down at his hands. "Why?"

"Because I ran away from you. Before you had a chance... to explain. I did that with Makoto, too."

"Can't blame you. I put things the wrong way, and I understand if you got pissed. Hell, I probably would, too, if I were you. So it's okay."

"It's not okay," Haru insists, frowning. "I've done things wrong, too. And I wanted to apologise, and... and start over. Again. If you want to."

Even if it's difficult and scary, it's definitely a lot easier talking to Sousuke now than it had been that time they met in the park. Maybe because it  _isn't_ the first time they're talking like this. Because he's already gone through the terror and nervousness that was their first serious talk — or talk period, even — and he's gotten a feel of what it's like to talk to Sousuke like this.

It's a different kind of drama than what he'd gone through in his first fight with Makoto, it just feels a lot more mature, and like they're on an at least similar wavelength. Sure, Haru and Makoto had fought back in their last year of high school when Haru had just turned eighteen, and several years have passed since then. So maybe it's a given that he'd be more mature now? He wonders if that's actually the case, that it'd happen naturally rather than him having to change on his own.

"Yeah. Yeah, of course I do," Sousuke replies, and he looks  _shocked_ that Haru doesn't just automatically assume that he wants to try again for the second time. "I was wondering if  _you_ wanted that. Since I said those things—"

"Just forget about that," Haru interrupts. "Don't think about it. I don't want to, either."

"Okay. I'm glad, though. I was really hoping you hadn't given up on me, but I knew I didn't have much to expect. Thank you."

Haru looks up again, his eyes meeting Sousuke's. "It's nothing."

"To you, maybe. To me, it isn't. I'm sorry for the whole Kisumi thing, too. Honestly, I don't care if he tells everyone we know. Even Rin", he adds, to which Haru doesn't know just how to react. "I want people to know, but I just wanted to take things slow so I could do without having to drop a bomb on him, you know? I mean, considering the fact that his boyfriend knows, that Kisumi knows, Gou does — sorry about that — but Rin doesn't. And I know he'd be anything but pleased to find out he's the last one to know."

"Nagisa and Rei don't know," he tries to argue, but Sousuke just rolls his eyes, as would be expected at a pointless remark.

"No offence, but Hazuki and Ryuugazaki are barely ever around as is. They've got their own lives to live."

And sometimes, Haru envies them for it. For being able to leave this town behind them, to get out into the bigger parts of Japan where everything is new, and everything isn't home. They've been out of Iwatobi for years now, but Haru still catches himself wondering if they'll come back. Probably not; they're probably smarter than wanting to come back to a town like this.

"Maybe you're right," Haru responds. "But I still overreacted, and I... I shouldn't have said that thing about Rin."

Sousuke shrugs. "I deserved it. Besides, you're not completely wrong, either. Sure, I worry about what Rin would say and how he'd react if he found out about us. But if I knew he'd take it well, I wouldn't hesitate. Even if I've had feelings for the guy. I honestly don't care anymore, I just... I want to... move on. You know?"

Sousuke tentatively takes Haru's hands between his, and while Haru's surprised by the action, he doesn't pull away. "I feel like I've fucked up so many times with you I owe you  _several_ dinners to make it up to you. And then some."

"Could be arranged," Haru hums, and Sousuke looks at him in surprise before he laughs.

"It's a date, then. Or dates."

 

* * *

 

Haru lets Sousuke help him clean up in the kitchen after their talk over tea — tea talk? — much like he'd agreed to have Gou help him when she'd been over. He wonders what Sousuke would say if he found out Gou had been here just a few days earlier, talking to Haruka about him. Considering the way he's done a complete one-eighty regarding Kisumi knowing, maybe it wouldn't be so terrible if he found out. Not that Haru feels the need to tell him now, though.

Sousuke walks back out into the living room, and Haru knows this is where he'll leave. He clenches a fist unconsciously at his side, and then Sousuke clears his throat to speak.

"I'm glad we talked," he says. "And that you decided to give me a second chance. Not a lot of people do that."

"Not a lot of people deserve them."

Before he knows it, Sousuke's right there, his arms around Haru's middle, and his face buried in Haru's shoulder. He returns the embrace and sighs. "Stay", he says, voice a little muffled.

"Stay?"

"The night. Please."

"Oh. Okay. I just... don't have a change of clothes. Or a toothbrush."

"I have one unopened. Change when you come home."

"Gross," Sousuke says, but he laughs, a laugh that makes Haru's heart race. He loves the feeling of Sousuke's chest vibrating against his whenever he laughs, and doesn't mind if it happens more often. "Okay."

Haru insists on his guest taking a bath before him, and while he does, Haru takes out the toothbrush from his hallway drawer, and then he heads upstairs to set the guest futon. Thinking about the fact that Sousuke  _has_ been in his bed before is weird, because Sousuke's never actually spent the night, despite all of the times they'd been in bed together. Their arrangement had been different from the one you see in films where it's about one night stands. Sousuke was never a one night stand; he was someone Haru knew he could come to for sex whenever he wanted, and vice versa.

Thinking of it as an 'upgraded' version of that really feels weird. Out of place. But in time, when he's gotten used to the idea of things, maybe it won't feel so bad, after all.

"Oh, you're done setting the futon. Thanks, Haru", Sousuke says as he walks in, a towel lazily wrapped around his waist. Haru tries  _not_ to stare at the way Sousuke's hipbones show just above the towel line, but he probably fails miserably at it. He huffs and begins to walk out to take a bath himself.

"Make yourself at home. I probably won't be long."

"Probably," Sousuke snorts. "It's fine, take your time."

Haru nods, and then he leaves Sousuke to his own devices. He doesn't really have anything to hide from Sousuke, and even if Sousuke were to try and snoop through, say, his laptop, he wouldn't make it further than the log in screen, since it's password protected.

Having filled up with more hot water, Haru sinks down into his tub with a relieved sigh. Soaking in the borderline scalding hot water relaxes him, and makes him push away nearly all of his negative and dark thoughts, at least for the time being. He wonders if they'll visit him in his sleep again, turning dreams into nightmares and making him wake up drenched in sweat. He doesn't want Sousuke to know more than he already does; Haru having unconsciously given him hints at New Years — thanks, alcohol — about his issues. At the same time, he knows he'll have to be honest, because he expects the same thing from Sousuke if they ever want to make this work.

He doesn't sit in there for longer than half an hour, shower included, before he considers himself ready for bed. He wipes himself dry and puts on a pair of boxers before heading out and upstairs again. His heart starts beating faster again as soon as he walks into his bedroom to find Sousuke under the duvet on his futon. He looks up at Haru and grins.

"Cosy."

"Glad you think so."

"It feels like a school trip; like when you'd sleep in sleeping bags on the floor in an old gym."

Haruka rolls his eyes. "And then there's that one kid who has a bed, right?"

"Details, sheesh."

He crawls into bed, and lets out a slow exhale through his nose. "You're right, it does feel like a middle school class trip. Are you thinking we should stay up all night and talk?"

"At least there aren't any teachers around to tell us to shut up. Maybe we should just for fun."

Haru almost snorts, but catches himself just before doing so. Last time they did something 'for fun', Haru spilled his darkest secret to Sousuke, and while he doesn't have anything of that kind to hide from Sousuke anymore, Haru still has a few things he doesn't want to tell him. At least not just yet. Maybe in time when he feels like a proper trust has been built between them. He feels oddly optimistic that it might, as long as they play their cards right in a situation that's still a little fragile.

He lets silence fall in the room, and then he turns off the light on his nightstand. He turns onto his other side, stretching his leg out over to the other, cold, uninhabited side of his bed. Haru bites his lip in hesitation, but then opens his mouth.

"Sousuke?"

"Mmm?"

"Were you asleep?"

"Nah. Not yet. Something up?"

More hesitation. He wonders what would happen, were Sousuke to lie next to him. Would they end up having sex? He's scared that might be a possibility. No, he knows it  _is_ a possibility. And if they do end up having sex now, things may just fall back into the way things used to be before Haru involuntarily confessed. The only, rather big, exception is that Makoto now knows. Kisumi knows, and Gou does, too. The only thing that hasn't changed is that Rin still doesn't know. And maybe that's the biggest factor that should change before anything else happens.

But he decides to once again jump out into the unknown. Test the waters, maybe even have a little faith in not only Sousuke, but himself, too. It takes two to tango, it takes two to have sex. He nods to himself in determination.

"Do you want to come up here instead?"

"What, to your bed?"

"Yeah."

Maybe not? Maybe Sousuke thinks it's too soon, as well? All Haru really wants is to have someone close to him. Maybe that'll keep his nightmares and demons away, at least for as long as he's asleep. He doesn't want to make it look like he's using Sousuke for that reason, either, because he isn't. It's just a nice bonus added on top of getting to sleep and wake up next to Sousuke. Something Haru's wanted to do for  _such_ a long time, but hasn't been able to since his feelings had been unrequited, and Sousuke didn't even _know_  about Haru's feelings at the time.

"Oh. Okay, yeah."

Haru pulls the duvet up just below his nose, listens to the scrambling on the futon on the floor in front of his bed, and then he watches a dark silhouette sneak up to the vacant side of his bed. When 'it' lies down, Haru relaxes. Silhouettes remind him of his nightmares that so often visit him in his sleep. Maybe it's made him a little scared of the dark as a result, even, he doesn't know.

He feels like he's almost moving on autopilot when he shuffles closer to Sousuke and rests his head on Sousuke's chest. It doesn't take many seconds before Sousuke wraps an arm around Haru's shoulders, and Haru feels like he could fall asleep right then and there. He probably will, if Sousuke doesn't talk. But, knowing Sousuke, he will.

"I want to tell Rin."

Haru looks up at him with a frown. "About... about us? Why?"

He almost feels weird saying 'us' and referring to himself and Sousuke. Like such a word doesn't belong in the same sentence as their names. It does, it's just that Haru hasn't let it done so yet. It all takes time to get used to, and he figures he'll probably feel less weird about it within just a few days.

Sousuke's determination doesn't waver when he continues speaking. "He's a friend, isn't he? Like I said before, Tachibana knows. Gou knows. Hell, even  _Kisumi_ knows, but not my best friend? Seems a little weird in my opinion."

Haru  _does_ want Rin to know. And not in a 'ha, I'm dating Sousuke' kind of way, but more because he wants to make things official not only for everyone around him, but for himself, too. It just surprises him that Sousuke would suggest it. Had Sousuke said the same thing a week earlier, Haru would've thought it was another tactic of Sousuke's to try and get Rin to be jealous and want to be with Sousuke instead of Makoto.

And sure, he might still get small stings of jealousy or suspicion that maybe Sousuke might not be over Rin, but he knows Sousuke's at least trying. And since Haru's made his choice already, he'll have to stick with it. Honestly, he wouldn't have things any other way, anyway. Lying in bed with Sousuke's arms around him? There's no other way he'd want to fall asleep, really.

"Okay," he says. "Then let's tell him."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

Sousuke's chest sinks with his exhale. "Good. Soon, right?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

Haru lets his hand rest on Sousuke's chest, and soon, Sousuke's hand finds his, and they intertwine their fingers. His other hand finds Haru's hair, and then he's running his fingers through it, making Haru even drowsier. He listens to the sound of Sousuke's heart beating beneath his ear, and he's once again reminded that this is reality, and that he isn't having one of his cruel dreams again.

"Haru."

"Mmm."

"Please don't freak out."

He frowns to himself. "I might if you put it that way."

"Can I kiss you?"

This time, he lifts his head, and looks at Sousuke in shock and slight disbelief. He doesn't say anything, though, and just lets Sousuke's hand bring his head closer. Their noses brush together at first, and Haru lets his eyes close as their lips meet. He still has his hand on Sousuke's chest, and he almost feels faint with euphoria over the fact that Sousuke's heartbeat increases as they kiss. That  _has_ to mean he feels something, and it makes Haru feel like he can trust Sousuke just a little more than he did before. Trust that they  _both_ want this, and  that Sousuke isn't just doing it for 'charity', because he feels sad for Haru.

He almost doesn't want to pull away, but then Sousuke's the one who does after what feels like half an eternity on cloud nine. "Good way to end my day."

Haru huffs, pouts and lies down again, head once again placed on Sousuke's chest. "You're a sap."

"I learnt from the best."

He looks up at Sousuke, and they both speak in unison.

"Rin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's the sap? (points at self)
> 
> God, finally.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The OT4 plus one goes out for drinks, and when the hell did Kisumi become a "plus one"?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a delay, I apologise. I've been moving from Stockholm to London (again), and I've finally settled in (= gotten myself internet that isn't Starbucks or McDonald's so-and-so connection). So, here goes something.

Haru wakes up, and is almost sent into panic when he feels an arm weighing heavy across his chest, and he finds himself having trouble breathing properly. When he looks down and sees  _whose_ arm it is, he just lifts it off and sighs. Sousuke does  _not_ sleep like a beauty, that's for sure. His mouth is half open, but strangely — miraculously? — enough, he hasn't drooled all over his pillow. Still, Haru feels like he should probably wash it just to be safe. He doesn't recall having heard Sousuke snore, though, so that's a good thing if they're going to do this again.

 _If_. Haru's never been with anyone before Sousuke, so he doesn't know just what to do now. He's used to Sousuke leaving right after they've had sex, but they didn't even  _have_ sex last night, and now he's still here.  Maybe he'll have to get used to being surprised, by not knowing what to do. At least he isn't pulling the carriage on his own this time; he's glad Sousuke's really showing what he wants and feels, rather than have him just say it. Actions speak far louder than words, and especially when it comes to people who aren't big talkers to begin with.

He's about to try and crawl out of bed when a hand grabs his wrist, and Haru jumps. Almost as if he's been caught in the middle of leaving, but this is his house, and where would he go at this hour if he  _did_ leave?

"Morning," Sousuke mumbles. "What's the hurry?"

"Need to pee," Haruka says, even if that's not his primary reason. "Also put away the unused futon."

"Hey, you told me to sleep here. That wasn't my fault."

Haru snorts. "I know."

Sousuke releases his wrist so he's able to go about his business, and then he turns over in bed. "I really like your bed, it's cosy."

He hums. "Good."

 _Then maybe you can come back, if you want to_.

He folds the unused sheets and puts them away in the closet before returning for the rest. Unlike Makoto, Sousuke seems to know when he really doesn't want or need help, and it's nice not being asked for help for a simple task like this. Makoto  _always_ wanted to help him with whatever he did, coddling him and almost preventing him from doing stuff on his own. As if he'd been aware of all the things Haru's going through every day, the constant battle he has inside his head.

Makoto never asked anything beyond "are you okay?", and Haru never felt like saying "no, I'm not okay" in response, since that would require him to say too much all at once. He could probably be on fire, literally, and Makoto would ask him if he's okay, he'd say he is, after which Makoto would either believe him or just not question it.

When Haruka comes back into the bedroom after having stowed everything away, Sousuke's  _still_ in bed, and he seems intent on staying there for a while.

"Come back to bed," he says. "You don't have to work today, do you?"

He shakes his head. "I don't work weekends. Do you?"

"Nah. Got off Saturday shifts a while back, so some other poor idiot has to take them instead. I like having my weekends off rather than the occasional weekday. There's no point in being off on a weekday when everyone else's working, anyway."

Haru hums. "I suppose so."

"So come back to bed. It's still cold as shit outside, and I don't feel like getting up."

"Maybe _I_ do. I want to take a bath."

"Come back to bed for a bit and you can take a bath later. All day, if you want."

He finally relents and gets back in under the duvet, and Sousuke's arms are immediately wrapped around him again. He holds back a content sigh, and closes his eyes. Okay, so maybe he wouldn't mind lying like this for a while, especially since, like Sousuke said, he doesn't have anything to do today. At the same time, he feels like he'd go absolutely crazy if he were to stay inside all day. The snow's melted by this point, and it's practically spring, so he can't really blame the snow anymore.

"Thanks for letting me stay the night", Sousuke says into his hair. "Next time maybe you can stay the night at my place. And I'll cook dinner."

Haru wrinkles his nose. "Just don't make anything with pork."

"There won't be mackerel, either, just so you know."

"Fine."

After Sousuke's taken a shower and Haru his bath, the two get dressed, and properly start their day with a brunch consisting of mackerel with steamed white rice, omelette, and stir-fried vegetables. Of course, Haru expects that disgusted look on Sousuke's face, but he's surprised when Sousuke tells him he actually doesn't find it that bad. Maybe he'll be able to one day make Sousuke  _like_ mackerel? Probably not as much as Haruka does himself, but if he could just get that nose wrinkling out of the way, he'd consider himself having achieved something.

As much as he would've wanted Sousuke to stay, Sousuke ends up leaving a while after their brunch together. Before he leaves, though, Sousuke takes a step closer by the door and tilts Haru's chin up with an index finger and brings him close for a kiss.

"I'll see you soon," Sousuke says, and Haruka can see the promise in those eyes. He chooses to believe him.

 

* * *

 

It shouldn't surprise Haru when Makoto texts him about Sousuke that Monday, yet it somehow does. He glances at his screen for a few seconds before he tucks it back into the pocket of his apron, and goes back to work.

 **TACHIBANA, MAKOTO** :  _Have you talked to Sousuke anything? Rin misses you. He says we should all go out for beers soon. I don't like beer_.

 

Haru knows Makoto doesn't, and he isn't too big of a beer person himself, either. He does occasionally have it for the sake of being 'social' with his friends, however, and he's pretty good at masking his dislike for it. Makoto, on the other hand, isn't. He doesn't hold his alcohol very well, either, so Haru's both mildly concerned and interested to see how things would go if they did go out for _drinks_ , not beers. Rin and Sousuke can have their beers all they want, but Haru isn't going to have it, and he won't let Makoto be forced into having it, either.

He continues through his day as usual, and almost wants to kiss the entrance to his workplace at the end of the day for not making him either fall asleep or pull his hair out in boredom or stress. Far too many times has he been pushed past the limit and had to let someone else take care of the register while he takes a slightly too long breather around the back of the building, only to come back and be thrown right into the fire and flames again for a few more hours. It isn't always like that, thankfully, but Haru wishes those hectic days never existed in the first place.

On Friday, Sousuke calls him when he's finished his shift, and Haru's about to cook himself dinner. He hasn't heard from Sousuke apart from the occasional gross good morning text or "I fucking hate my job" texts up until now, but it hasn't bothered him too much.

" _Rin wants to go out for drinks,_ " Sousuke says, and Haru wonders if Rin's told the entire town of Iwatobi about his plans. " _Are you up for it?_ "

"Not really, but I'll probably go anyway. Are you going?"

" _Of course I am. You think he'd let me sit out?_ "

Haru snorts. "Maybe not. Is it just the four of us?"

" _No,_ " Sousuke replies with a sigh. " _Rin invited Kisumi, too._ "

"Oh. Well, what's the plan?"

" _The izakaya next to the station, apparently at ten. Maybe we could meet up?_ "

"What, you don't know where it is?" Haru asks, and he isn't able to mask the mockery in his voice.

" _Fuck you, Haru. Yes or no?_ "

He ends up meeting Sousuke twenty minutes to ten by the Seven-Eleven down the road. It's cold out, and he's shivering not-so-subtly even whilst wearing gloves and a knitted hat. Sousuke snorts upon the sight as he walks up to Haru and pulls him in for an embrace. "Cute", he says into Haru's hat, and he  _chuckles_ , that bastard. Haru frowns, but returns the embrace nevertheless.

When they start walking towards the izakaya, Sousuke takes Haru's hand in his, and his heart skips a beat. They don't make it very far until Sousuke stops, though, and he looks down at their joined hands.

"Maybe we should tell Rin before we walk up to him like this. Don't get me wrong, I want him to know, but—"

"It's fine", Haru interrupts, and lets go of Sousuke's hand. "I agree. He probably wouldn't react too well to it."

They continue walking in relative silence, probably both feeling the nervousness creep up on them that comes with them meeting Rin together since they'd started dating. Haru has absolutely no idea how he's going to react when he finds out. Is he going to be happy that they've moved past that animosity that stubbornly stuck between them for so many years? Is he going to be angry? Why  _would_ he be? Haru doesn't see a reason,  but even though he can't see anything but Rin being happy for them right now, he still doesn't want to jump to conclusions.

"Oi, Haru! Sousuke! Over here!"

Well, at least he doesn't seem surprised that the two of them arrive together, and that's a good start. Haru and Sousuke make their way up to the others, and Sousuke's almost immediately attack-hugged by the pink whirlwind that is Kisumi.

"Get down, Kisumi, I can't breathe," Sousuke mutters.

"I'm just so glad to see you!"

"I saw you the other day, didn't I?"

Haru looks at Sousuke to his side, who seems to catch onto himself and what he's saying. Instead of accidentally having Kisumi spill things before the two of them have a chance of saying things for themselves, Sousuke shrugs Kisumi off and goes to greet Rin with their usual, super cheesy fist-bump, and thankfully, Rin doesn't seem to pick up on the remark Sousuke just made. Haru sighs inwardly in relief as he goes over to Makoto's side.

"Something happen between you two? You seem happier."

Haru frowns at his friend. "Nothing in particular, no."

Makoto smiles, and Haru knows he's been seen through. "Okay, just asking."

The five of them walk inside and get seated by one of the tables; Kisumi on one end — which Sousuke looks infinitely relieved over, with Makoto and Rin next to him, and then Sousuke and Haru are seated next to each other on the opposite side. As if keeping this all under wraps in front of Rin tonight wasn't already going to be difficult. Rin, of course, just looks smug and happy that Sousuke aren't at each other's throat when sitting next to each other, and having no one else on their side of the short table.

They order drinks — beer for Sousuke, Rin and surprisingly Kisumi, while Haru settles for an obnoxiously blue coloured drink called Blue Lagoon, and Makoto going with some cocktail — and then a bunch of different foods like yakitori, takoyaki and clams. The clams do  _not_ appeal to one person in particular, who obviously has to be vocal about his disapproval.

" _Clams_?!" Sousuke says in too apparent disgust, as they're placed on the table in front of them. "Who the hell eats these?"

" _I_ do," Haru deadpans, and Sousuke clears his throat, making Haru have to muffle a laugh into the back of his hand.

"I like them, too," Makoto says quietly, and that makes Sousuke almost look mortified. Haru's having way too much fun at Sousuke's expense; he's really easy to evoke a reaction out of, and it's a good way for Haru to entertain himself, to distract himself from the thoughts sticking to the back of his mind stubbornly.

Despite what Haru had felt earlier, he does end up enjoying his experience at this half shabby hole-in-the-wall izakaya, and he has to admit that it's nice hanging out with everyone again. More than anything, he likes to just sit back and be in the background, to see everyone else have fun, talk, bond over all sorts of things, be it normal or  _not_ so normal things — Makoto's managed to bond with Kisumi over kittens, and the two are now in deep conversation about different cat breeds — but whatever it is, Haru just likes sitting back to listen, observe.

He feels a hand on his thigh, and flinches, but when he realises it's just Sousuke, he turns to meet the other's slightly worried gaze, which seems to ask him if he's okay. He nods once in response, and Sousuke's hand disappears before he continues talking to Rin. It doesn't bother Haru to see Sousuke and Rin talking all that much, and he's both surprised and relieved at this. He doesn't want to be jealous, and Sousuke would probably tell him he doesn't have a reason for it. Considering the fact that Sousuke's been so adamant on telling Rin about the two of them, maybe Haru should listen to Sousuke for once.

 

* * *

 

The gang gets more and more drunk as the night goes on, and Friday blends into Saturday. Thankfully, they're at an izakaya and not a bar or dance club, where the music would be far too loud for them to be able to have normal conversations. Not that what they're currently is having could be considered anything near a 'normal' conversation.

"I just... I just— fuck. I love you guys. A lot," Rin hiccups, and Haru rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time that night.

"We love you, too, Rin," Kisumi says, and there's that annoying laughter of his again. Except Haru doesn't quite register it as such right now, and maybe that's because of all of the alcohol he's had tonight. He's going to be peeing in all of the colours of the rainbow whenever he decides to finally get off of his ass and go to the men's room, that's for sure. Rin sobs into Sousuke's shoulder, and Sousuke just pats his friend's back, while Makoto smiles at them.

"Kisumi," Rin whines happily with tears brimming in his eyes, before turning his attention to Sousuke. "I'm just so glad you guys managed to make up. You know? Not fight and... glare at each other like you used to."

Haru glances at Sousuke by his side, who just grins at his best friend, who at some point had gotten over to their side and sat himself down next to Sousuke. Sousuke, however, doesn't notice Haru looking at him, and he just keeps grinning at Rin, who's just about to fall over. He's had just about as much to drink as Sousuke, but he's far weaker to it than his friend is.

If Rin is a crybaby when he's sober, then his drunk self might have a picture in the dictionary next to both 'crybaby' and 'romantic'. Haru doesn't know how anyone would be allowed a picture in the dictionary  _twice_ , but if anyone should, it's Rin.

"Me too", Sousuke hums and leans forward on the table with a sigh. "I don't deserve you, Haru."

Haru winces at the remark, but tries not to let it show. He could just blame it on Sousuke's drunkenness, if anything. "You don't."

"I'm so glad for you two," Kisumi says in that sweet voice of his, and Haru realises things are just going to get worse from here. He may not be _completely_ sober, sure — but he's sober enough to register what's happening, and what's  _going_ to happen. He doesn't want to be here for this. Even though he probably should be, he reckons he could just talk with Rin on his own later. When it's just the two of them, and when they're not drunk.

"I need to pee," he says, and promptly gets up on slightly unsteady feet. He wobbles towards the men's room, and shuts everything else out as his heartbeat's started to race, and he's feeling light-headed. Haruka knows this isn't because of the excessive amounts alcohol in his system.

When he's splashed his face with cold water and taken some time — probably a little  _too_ much — to gather himself, he gets back out again, only to find that Makoto and Kisumi are the only two left. He furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

"Sousuke and Rin?"

"Went out back," Kisumi giggles. "Man-to-man talk, I heard. Cute."

"Haru, you should... probably go after them. I can't," Makoto says, and Haru knows why. He sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose with a frown.

"Fine. Don't leave this spot."

"Oh honey, you think he'll be able to _leave_ in his state, let alone get up?"

He rolls his eyes, and quickly darts outside, knowing this fight probably won't go as smoothly as the one they had back in high school. Okay, scratch out the 'probably' — he knows it won't be a probability in the slightest.


	15. Sousuke's POV (2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin and Sousuke have a "man-to-man talk", as Kisumi so wonderfully put it, and Sousuke has to baby Haru. Of course, he doesn't really mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke's POV again. I lied last time, it wasn't the first and last time I did that. (How can I NOT want to write in his POV every now and then?) This chapter is quite heavy on dialogue, but I'm guessing that's to be expected with a confrontation, especially one of the SouRin kind.

_Sousuke_.

 

He should've seen it coming, and by god, he should've been able to stop himself. Stop Kisumi. Stop it _all_ , really. Will he  _ever_ be able to keep his mouth shut, even when he's drunk? Sousuke just suddenly doesn't  _feel_ drunk anymore, and that may be because he's just been shoved up against the brick wall at the back of the izakaya, probably seconds from getting punched in the face.

He knows they're here because this is a place where no one's going to think to look, at least not at first. And he knows there's only one person who would come look for them, and that's probably the person Rin is trying to keep away for as long as possible until they have to stop yelling at each other.

"You fucking _ass,_ " Rin growls, his right hand fisted in the front of Sousuke's shirt. Sousuke isn't even fazed; this has happened too many times before for him to be able to count them on his ten fingers. "You really don't trust me enough to tell me you're dating Haru? Is that it? What, so you guys've been sneaking about it behind my back?"

"That's not it," Sousuke retorts. "We were going to tell you."

"When? When you're standing at the altar and I'm sitting there watching you about to get married to him? Because I'm pretty sure you wouldn't even ask me to be your best man. Right, Sousuke? You're scared, is that what this is about?"

"Yes, I'm scared!" he bristles. "I don't know how the fuck you would react to me dating one of your best friends!"

"But you're one of my best friends, too! You don't think I'd be  _happy_ knowing that you not only managed to make peace with him, but also find it in you to  _like_ him?"

Sousuke snorts. "You're saying this now. But I know you'd react differently if Haru and I actually came to you and told you. Which we would have, and we had planned on doing so. Just not tonight, since we wanted to do it with just the three of us present."

"Stop making up excuses, Sousuke! You've always done this; you've always lied about things, kept things from me. This isn't just about Haru, this goes back to our goddamn childhood, too. Remember the shoulder injury? Remember when you had to go into rehab for it, and Gou even told you I was back in Japan, but you didn't want to see me?"

"This is _different_ , Rin! This isn't about me not wanting you to see me weak. This is me valuing our friendship. And Haru feels the same way about his friendship with you. We wanted to do things right for once."

To be fair, Sousuke's pretty much just grasping after straws right now. He  _doesn't_ know whether Rin would be happy or angry about him dating Haru. And maybe that's why he's been so hesitant about telling his best friend in the first place, because there's a possibility for a negative reaction. And if they do get one, how would they be able to work their way around it? That's not to say their lives revolve around Rin — but he  _is_ a pretty integral part of them, even after all of these years.

"This isn't that much different, Sou. It all boils down to you not trusting me, and you just wanting to keep things from me. You're scared of telling me things because you don't know how I'd react after all this time? Spare me the bullshit, would you?"

"No, I won't, because you're the same." Sousuke feels his adrenaline levels shoot through the roof, and now he doesn't even need the alcohol in his system to feel the sudden rush pumping through his veins. "You never even cared to tell me about what happened in Australia until I had to literally drag it out of you. It probably wouldn't even have occurred to you to tell me."

"But that's—"

"—different? Is it, really?"

He finishes his ranting, and he breathes heavily. His breathing is the only thing heard outside besides the faint music coming from inside the izakaya, and the faint buzzing of cars in the distance. It's cold outside, but Sousuke knows he's not just shaking because of the low temperatures. With Rin not responding, and just standing there looking like a fish coming up to the surface for air, Sousuke knows he's got him cornered. That he's managed to strike a sensitive nerve. Is it worth it? He wonders if it really is. Their friendship has always been like this, like a very bumpy car ride during which neither of them are wearing their safety belts.

Sousuke can't help but see this as a couple quarrelling. Again, it isn't like they haven't done this before, it just gets  _really_  tiring after so many times. After all of these years. Even so, Sousuke couldn't even dream of cutting Rin out of his life, yet in a way, he already has. He knows there's really no way for them to  _completely_ fix things between them, because they're just that much different. Their goals in life are different, their perspective on things is different.

He constantly feels miles apart from Rin, miles  _behind_ , even, because Rin always blazes right ahead of him whenever he's got his sight on something. And as much as he may want to include people, to bring them along on his ride, he tends to still forget people, and leave them behind. Sousuke is one of them, and his own  _sister_  is, too. And as strange as it may sound, Sousuke can't forgive Rin for treating his own sister like that. He's more than just good friends with Gou, and he knows she doesn't enjoy being left behind and left  _out_  as much as she's been over the years, even if she doesn't say it.

He suddenly hears running footsteps, and when he looks behind Rin, he sees Haruka coming towards them, and he closes his eyes. "Looks like we're done here."

"The  _hell_ we are," Rin spits out. "I'm far from done with you, Sousuke. Unless you want to leave things like this, as usual? Tie another knot on the rope instead of cutting it?"

Sousuke nearly rolls his eyes at Rin's cheesy metaphor, but he resists. He doesn't even have time to respond before Haruka stands next to them.

"Why did you have to go all the way back  _here_?"

"To avoid the risk of  _you_ barging in, of course. Good timing, Haru," Rin says sarcastically, and Haru, surprisingly, looks like he feels genuinely bad and guilty. Sousuke just knows that this isn't him feeling guilty about interrupting them.

"Rin, I'm sorry," he says instead, and Sousuke can't help but stare at him in disbelief. "I wanted to tell you about me and Sousuke. I just didn't know how."

"Wow, you two really  _are_ similar." Rin's voice is practically dripping with venom, each word nearly spat out as if they burn his tongue when spoken. "I should've seen it coming a long time ago. Well, I  _would_ have been glad for you had you actually told me yourselves. But instead I had to hear it from  _fucking Kisumi_? Really?"

Sousuke may not like Kisumi all that much, but even he can admit to Kisumi not deserving that kind of a punch. Maybe if he'd been here to defend himself, but he isn't. Speaking of which, he hopes Tachibana can be left in Kisumi's care now that the other three aren't around, considering the state Tachibana had been in before they left, and considering how unreliable Kisumi can be in situations like these.

"That was my fault," Haru says. "So don't blame Sousuke for all of this; I'm partly to blame for it, too."

Rin stands back and crosses his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow. "Basically, you 'value my friendship too highly to let me know the truth'. I see."

"You know that's not how it is," Sousuke begins, but then Rin shoots him a glare that feels more like a dagger, and Sousuke winces.

"No, I  _don't_ know, that's the thing! Well, now I at least know where you two stand on this. Well, I would've wished you all the happiness had I actually heard it from  _you_ two, but I won't. I can't believe even _Makoto_ knew, and he didn't tell me."

Sousuke feels his heart skip a beat at the realisation that this might cause problems for Rin and Tachibana in their relationship, and he wants to punch himself for involving those two to begin with. Tachibana didn't deserve to be dragged into the secrecy of everything that went on prior to Rin finding out, and now he's at the risk of losing Rin as his boyfriend because of it. Because Haru had asked him not to tell Rin, because Sousuke didn't want Rin to find out.

"You know why everyone knew but you?" Sousuke sighs. He knows he has to tell Rin now, or there might  _never_ be a way for him and Rin to hang out as friends again.

"Please, do enlighten me."

"Because I had feelings for you. Really strong feelings, for a long time. But then Haru came along, and I... fell for him. Things changed. And I figured... that if you found out about me having feelings for you, you'd never wanna be around me ever again."

"So instead you decided to keep your relationship with Haru a secret. Makes sense. I don't care what excuses you have, Sousuke. You fucked up. Sure, I may have fucked up in the past, too, but it's never been like  _this_."

"We all make mistakes, Rin. And you can't say you'd do things differently than how I did it, because you won't ever know. You've never been in my situation."

"Oh, I have. I was in love with Makoto for years, but I figured he was with Haru, since those two are like Siamese twins."

"But you never asked," Haru says, frowning. Sousuke rarely ever sees his face shift through so many emotions in a short amount of time, and he realises just how dear of a friend Rin is to Haru. This was never just Rin praising Haru to the skies; Haru admires and values Rin as a friend and as a rival, and probably always has done so, too. "If you would've asked, you would've known Makoto and I were never like that. And you would've probably been able to date him sooner, since he always felt the same about you."

The silence that follows is a heavy one, and Sousuke wonders if he's even allowed to breathe, considering the mood in the air between the three. He feels like he'd set the air on fire were he to exhale. As if he's just lit a cigarette at a petrol station, and realised his mistake far too late. Rin looks absolutely murderous, and Sousuke's still awaiting that punch that never came when he was first pushed up against the wall, but the risk of it actually coming seems to drop drastically by every second. In the end, Rin just sighs and turns around, shoving his hands down his pockets.

Without another word, Rin heads back towards the front of the izakaya, and all Sousuke and Haru can do is stare at his retreating back in dumbfounded silence. When Rin's completely disappeared, Sousuke finally exhales properly, letting his shoulders sink. The heavy feeling in his stomach doesn't disappear, however, and he wonders how long it'll take before it does.

"Sorry," Haru mumbles after what feels like five minutes of silence. Sousuke looks at him, feeling tired.

"For what?"

"For interrupting. Maybe I should've just waited until I  _knew_ he was going to do something. You seem to still have a lot to talk about."

Sousuke shrugs. "Wouldn't be able to talk to him about those things in this state, anyway. He'll burn himself out, eventually; I'll call him in a few days and see if we can have a proper talk. Preferably one where we won't have to resort to physical grabbing and those things... we tend to do that a lot. And I figure it probably doesn't do very good for our problems. Let's just go home. He's probably back in there, and I don't think he'd appreciate me coming in again."

"Same probably goes for me," Haru says with a sigh. "Okay, let's go."

Sousuke walks Haru back home, and they say goodbye outside his house with a quick kiss. When Sousuke finally comes back home, he heads straight to bed and falls asleep not too long after his head has hit the pillow.

 

* * *

 

During the week, he tries calling Rin several times, but is either sent to voice mail after a few signals have gone through, or directly. Which means Rin either just clicks him away, or has his phone turned off. Sousuke once again finds himself wondering how things are between Rin and Tachibana, and when he's had enough of his curiosity eating away at him, he calls Makoto on his cell when he's just outside his door, having returned home from work.

" _Hello?_ " Makoto answers, and Sousuke almost wants to yell out in relief that Makoto doesn't sound like an absolute wreck. Should he? Sousuke doesn't know; all he  _does_ know is that Rin wasn't too happy with his boyfriend when he found out Makoto had known about Sousuke and Haru for probably a while. Which Sousuke, Haru and Makoto himself can confirm that yes, he's known for a pretty long time.

"Tachibana," he greets as he walks inside and takes his shoes off. "How's things?"

" _Oh, good!_ " He sounds oddly enthusiastic, considering what happened the last time Sousuke saw Makoto. Well, maybe a lot of things happened between Rin and Makoto, too, and Sousuke almost dares think it's of the good kind. " _How about you?_ "

"Same old, I suppose. Listen, I was wondering... are things okay? between you and Rin, I mean."

Makoto goes silent for a few seconds, and Sousuke hopes that isn't a bad sign. " _Yeah. We had a bit of a talk, and I just told him how things were. That Haru didn't want me to tell him about it because you were both scared of how he'd react. He eventually said he doesn't blame me_."

The 'but' still lingering on Makoto's tongue is one Sousuke doesn't like, but it isn't as if he wasn't expecting it to stay there; Makoto's never been one to speak outright about things like these. He's heard from Haru that Makoto doesn't do well with confrontations, so that's something they have in common, and something they still need to work on.

"Okay," he replies, chewing on the inside of his cheek. "So things are good between you two?"

" _He'll get over it, Sousuke. I tried explaining things to him, and I think at least most of it got through. Just be patient, and I'll keep gently nudging him every now and then_."

Sousuke tries laughing, but it ends up coming out as a rather humourless laugh. "Thanks, Tachibana."

Their call is short, but Sousuke still feels like he got what he needed out of it. A slight reassurance, which is really all he can ask for in his current position. He figures sitting at home worrying at things on his own might not be the best idea, so he decides to instead pay his boyfriend a visit, whom he hasn't really seen in person for a few days. As much as he wouldn't consider himself a clingy person, he still  _does_ want to see Haruka more often. Maybe he can blame it on their honeymoon phase or something. (Theirs is a rather docile one, however.)

Sousuke pulls up outside Haruka's house not even ten minutes later, and the sight that greets him makes him confused, as the entire house seems to be dark, as if there's no one at home. He knows Haru's shift has ended at least an hour ago, so he should be back. A little ball of worry grows in the pit of his stomach, but he decides to go up and check, anyway. Just in case.

The door is, as usual, unlocked, and Sousuke walks in while announcing he's there. He doesn't receive a response, but he rarely ever does whenever he comes in on his own, anyway. It's just that getting a response  _now_ would've eased his worries a little. Bad timing for Haru's bad habit. If that's what it is, of course; Sousuke still doesn't know. Haru's gotten better at locking the door after him when he leaves the house, but he tends to not bother locking it when he's home, even if he's in the bath and  can't hear if someone comes in. Sousuke just has a feeling Haruka  _isn't_ in the bath right now.

"Haruka, I'm coming in," he says as he's right outside of the bathroom, but like before, there's no reply. Tentatively, he pulls the curtain aside and walks in, only to find that the tub really is empty, and he now has even less of an idea where Haru could be. Sousuke  _did_ pass the living room on his way to the bathroom, having come from the front instead of the back like he usually does when he's not arriving by car, so he would've noticed if someone was actually in there. Which only leaves the top floor for him, and he assumes Haru must be in the bedroom, then.

Making his way upstairs, Sousuke feels his heart starting to beat faster in his chest, and he swallows hard. Like the downstairs part of the house, the upper floor is completely dark as well, as if there really isn't anyone in. But his intuition tells him there is, and when he slides the bedroom door open to peek inside, the silhouette lump in Haruka's bed confirms his suspicions. With a small sigh of relief, Sousuke makes his way over to said bed and sits down by the side. He can't even see Haruka's hair, the way he's completely tucked himself in under the duvet.

"Haru," he mumbles. "Are you okay?"

No response. Really, why does he keep thinking he's going to get one? Sousuke feels dumb, but at the same time, he can't just leave Haru like this. He knows  _something's_ wrong, and he's got a pretty good idea what it could be. If only they hadn't gone out that night. No, Rin would have probably found out either way, this just sped up the process. Besides, Sousuke and Haruka  _had_ decided that they'd tell Rin soon, either way. Sousuke just wishes it wouldn't have had to happen that way, because of  _course_ Rin would get mad.

He slowly runs his hand up and down Haruka's back in a soothing motion. Haruka eventually moves, ever so slightly, and it makes Sousuke strangely relieved. At least he's alive and breathing.

"Bet you haven't eaten anything all day. You should. I'll go down and make you something, okay? Nothing big, just something you can actually digest."

Again, no response. At least Sousuke knows he's there, that he's awake. That motivates him to go downstairs into the kitchen and start rummaging through Haru's fridge and cupboards to try and whip something together. He manages to find ingredients to make an kakitama-jiru and rice. It  _should_ be easy enough to eat, even if Haru might not have that much appetite.

Sousuke comes back up with a tray he'd found in one of the cupboards, and a small bowl of rice and the egg drop soup, as well as a glass of water. He sits down again, and lightly nudges Haruka to make him at least acknowledge the food and hopefully even try it. If Sousuke's learnt anything about Haru and his behaviour, it's that he can get pretty self-destructive at times, even if it isn't on purpose.

"Haru, you have to eat something," he gently coaxes. "I don't know how long you've been here, but I'm guessing it's long enough for you not to have eaten in several hours. It's nothing heavy, I promise."

"Don't need food," comes Haruka's voice, muffled from beneath the duvet, and Sousuke frowns to himself.

"Yes, you do. It's just egg drop soup and rice. Come on."'

It takes a while, but Haruka eventually does sit up, slowly, reluctantly, and he squints angrily at the tray in front of him. "You didn't have to make me food."

"I kinda did, considering you weren't gonna cook for yourself", Sousuke replies with a shrug. Haruka hesitantly pokes at the rice with the provided chopsticks before he picks up a bite-sized chunk and puts it into his mouth. Instead of just sitting there and blatantly staring at his boyfriend eating, Sousuke carefully lies down next to him and pulls his phone out of his pocket to play some games for a bit.

"What about you, then?" Haru asks. "Food, I mean."

"Already ate. Got a burger at the McDonald's not too far from my office on my way home."

He sees Haru wrinkle his nose in disgust in the corner of his eye, and Sousuke snorts. Haru then continues eating slowly in silence, and Sousuke doesn't see the need to fill it with pointless small-talk. He's pretty sure he'd just be talking to a wall if he did, anyway.

When Haru considers himself done — having only had half the rice, but thankfully he'd at least emptied the soup bowl — Sousuke brings it all down to the kitchen to do the dishes, and then get right back upstairs. Haru's once again buried himself under the duvet, but at least he keeps most of his head above the surface. Sousuke sits down again, and brushes Haru's hair out if his face. Haru blinks up at him.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles. Sousuke shakes his head.

"Nothing to be sorry about. Just sleep, okay?"

"Can you stay until I've fallen asleep?"

"Yeah."

He ends up taking the liberty of staying the night, but considering the way Haru clings to him in his sleep, Sousuke figures he doesn't seem to mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [radiodread](http://radiodread.tumblr.com) on Tumblr.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisumi comes for a quick visit, and Haru and Sousuke 'go on' their second date, if that's what you could call it.

His boss calls him several times that week, but Haru can't bring himself to answer the phone. Of course, that doesn't just go for his boss's calls, but also everyone else. He wonders if he's going to 'accidentally' drop his phone in his kitchen sink again. It wouldn't surprise him, seeing as he just yesterday found himself standing by the cash register at the family mart, not knowing what he'd even gone there to get. The cashier sure had been confused, and probably frustrated, but he hadn't been alone in that. In the end, Haruka had ended up just leaving, going straight home and crawling in under the duvet again.

Is he sleepwalking? Does this happen often, and he just doesn't wake up until he's safely back in bed? What if something  _does_ happen to him when he's in this state? It isn't just about him leaving the house for no apparent reason, or the time when he killed his phone in a sink full of water — it's about him not addressing these issues by going to see his psychiatrist whom he hasn't seen in several months. He blames it on the cost and effort it takes for him to book an appointment, but knows there are other reasons behind it that don't even qualify as such.

He spends a surprisingly warm spring afternoon out on his back porch, playing with and petting the cats. The weather helps a lot to get rid of the grey cloud over his head, and while he doesn't want to jump to conclusions and be  _too_ optimistic, it feels like his seasonal depression might finally be letting up a little. He definitely needs the break, because he has to start going back to work properly soon, or he'll get fired for sure. Haruka feels like he probably doesn't have many chances left. He wonders if he'd get off the hook more if he actually  _told_ his boss about his condition? It's not really something he likes to share with others, and talking to Makoto about it the first time had been difficult enough.

A grey and brown cat strokes up against his side, and he scratches it behind its ear, angling his head up a little to let the sun shine right in his face, as he closes his eyes. It's peaceful, quiet, and the only sounds heard around him are the occasional meows from the cats surrounding him and the small plates of food he's set out for them. Sometimes, having only the cats as his company is really all he needs in a day, as far as interaction goes. The only other kind of interaction he's had today was text based, and it was a few messages back and forth to Sousuke. At least he's at work, but he said he's probably coming over afterwards if Gou doesn't monopolise him for the evening.

Haru flinches and scares the grey and brown cat next to him when his doorbell rings. He gets up with a sigh, and the cat goes to join the others by the plates of food. He doesn't remember anyone telling him they'd be coming over, so whoever's at the door will be a surprise to him. Even Sousuke, because he should still be at work, much like someone else who decided to skip out again.

"Haru!" a chirpy voice greets him as he opens the door, and a pink whirlwind greets him with a bright smile. Haru frowns a little.

"Kisumi."

"Aw, no need to look so disappointed. Were you busy? I almost expected you to be at work, but decided to try and drop by anyway."

"So why are _you_ here? No work?"

Kisumi waves a hand. "Nope, I'm off today. Can I come in?"

Haru sighs. "Fine."

Not like he was doing anything of importance anyway. On his good days, Kisumi's proven to be quite good company, so Haru hopes this might be one of those. He's not sure he'll kick Kisumi out if he  _isn't_ , because at least he'll have someone there to distract him.

Kisumi comes in with a sing-song-y 'sorry for intruding' at which Haruka cringes, and then they both go out and sit on the porch. Kisumi immediately goes over to pet one of the cats, squatting down by it.

"I'm jealous," he says. "I wanna be a crazy cat lady, too. Cats don't usually stop by outside my apartment building, and whenever I try to approach stray cats on the street, they just run away."

Haru snorts, knowing at least one reason as to why they probably won't come near Kisumi. "I'm not a crazy cat lady. It's all thanks to Makoto, by the way.  _He's_ the so-called crazy cat lady."

"Yeah, he is," Kisumi laughs.

They sit in silence for a bit, both petting a cat each. Haru still can't stop being baffled whenever Kisumi goes quiet, because he seems like the type who just  _can't_ shut up. Like he doesn't know how to, or like his on-and-off button isn't working. He's always been like that, and while Haruka tends to find it annoying when it affects him, he almost admires Kisumi's ability to stay positive at almost all times no matter what. Maybe having a positive outlook on things might not be so bad, but Haru's always been more of a realist than anything. And he doesn't really care if that means he'll smile less.

"Hey, Haru," Kisumi suddenly says, and the seriousness in his tone throws Haru off. He turns his head to the side to look over at Kisumi, whose eyes meet his immediately, and the look in them matches his voice. "Listen, I'm... sorry about what happened the other night. I didn't mean to blurt out the whole thing with you and Sousuke, it just—"

"—happened. It's fine, it's already done and in the past."

"But you fought with Rin, didn't you? I caused that to happen. And I'm sorry for having such a big mouth, I just... I can't help it. I really  _am_ happy for you two. I never in a million years would've thought of you two as a couple, but the more I  _do_ think about it now, it just... makes sense. You know? And you both deserve to be happy. So maybe that's why I got so enthusiastic and all that."

Haruka sighs and shakes his head. "I told you, it's fine; he was bound to find out no matter what. We'll... probably figure it out. I don't want to talk to him yet, because I know he's still mad. But I will."

Kisumi hums and returns his attention to the cat. "Good. I just care about you, that's why I'm on your case so much."

Haru rolls his eyes. "Really, I would've thought it was for a different reason."

"You're such a meanie, Haru," Kisumi whines, and Haruka bites on his lower lip to keep himself from laughing.

 

* * *

 

When Kisumi's left, Haruka sits down by his kotatsu and turns the TV on, just to see if there's anything onthat might catch his interest. He's been experiencing a bad case of art block recently, and he's starting to stress out a little about a commission deadline coming up soon. He just hasn't been in the mood to paint or draw lately, and instead finds himself trying to distract himself with other things as to not rip or burn the canvas. He's about halfway done with it, anyway, so scrapping it would be a waste of a couple hours of work.

He soaks in the bath for a good hour and a half, and when he's gotten out and is drying his hair off with a towel, his phone rings. As expected, he sees Sousuke's name on the screen. Maybe something — Gou — did come up, after all?

"Yes?"

" _Hey, Haru. You free tonight?_ "

When  _isn't_ he free? "Yeah. Why?"

" _Put on some comfortable clothes. We're having a second date._ "

Haru looks down at his striped shirt. Well, seems like he'll have to get changed  _again_ , because this probably won't be 'a little nicely' according to Sousuke's standards. On the other hand, he doesn't really  _know_ what Sousuke's standards are when it comes to clothes, except for the fact that he probably wouldn't let Haru go outside if he had a stain on his shirt or trousers.

"Okay," he says. "Where are we going?"

" _Your place? I don't think they'd let you into restaurants wearing sweatpants. Was thinking we could stay in, chill, watch a boring film, and order takeout. On me, of course, since it's a date. Is it okay to be at your place, or should I take you to_ _mine?_ "

Haru hums. "Whichever's fine. I guess we could stay here."

" _Alright, I'll be over in twenty. Too soon?_ "

"Should be fine, I'm not busy, anyway."

" _Okay. See you soon_."

Haruka hangs up, and goes back upstairs to rummage through his closet and drawers for something more suitable for a date. He figures a regular button-up polo might be fine, and chooses a cardigan to go with it. He can't wait to get rid of cardigans and jackets altogether, and it feels like it might not be too long before he can.

He takes a look in the mirror and runs his fingers through his hair two times before considering himself decent enough for a date, even if they _are_ just hanging at his place. He wonders whenever he'd gotten so conscious about his looks when he's never been like that before, but realises it might just be because it's a date, which he's never done before he started dating Sousuke. He's experienced many new things since this entire thing started, many of which might not have been ones he'd  _want_ to experience, but also those he wouldn't mind doing again. Like this date, even if it  _does_ make him a little nervous. Just a little.

Okay, maybe more than just a little.

The doorbell rings approximately fifteen minutes after Haruka had ended his call with Sousuke, but Haruka's been ready long before that. He sighs and prepares himself both for the mere sight of Sousuke, and for the evening he has ahead of him. Even if it  _is_ just film, ordering takeout and staying in, Sousuke still labelled it as a date. And that in and of itself is cause for nervousness, in Haruka's book. If Sousuke had just said 'hanging out', he'd still be nervous, anyway, so maybe the label doesn't matter.

"Hey," Sousuke says as Haruka opens the door, and maybe he shouldn't be surprised that Sousuke's also wearing sweatpants, and that ridiculous, big, blue hoodie of his. Haru's always wanted to try and wear it, just once. Maybe one day. He'd probably disappear in it, but it'd be worth it, still.

"Come in", he says awkwardly, and Sousuke steps inside, unzipping said hoodie and hanging it up on one of the hooks in the hallway. He's carrying a white plastic bag, and it seems like it contains quite a few DVDs. Haruka holds back a snort. Is it really  _that_ impossible for them to agree on a film? He hopes not. Or maybe their tastes just are that different, and Sousuke picked out a few knowing that was the case.

They get settled in front of the kotatsu after Haruka's made them popcorn — he's not entirely sure how old they are, but he knows they're at least not _ancient_ , so they should be fine — and Sousuke brings out his little collection of films of several different genres. It doesn't take Haruka long to spot the sea life documentary in there, and while Sousuke sighs at his suggestion, he smiles, and goes along with it, popping said film into the DVD player. He sits back, and motions for Haruka to sit in front of him.

"What? How?"

Sousuke rolls his eyes. "Lean your back against my chest. Sit between my legs. Get it?"

"Oh." He does as he's told, and when he leans back, Sousuke wraps his arms around Haruka.

"Comfortable?"

"Mmm."

"Good. Pass the popcorn."

It doesn't take long for Haruka to be completely immersed in the ninety minute documentary about different kinds of fish and other creatures living in or around the water. The narrator's voice almost manages to put him to sleep at times, and it doesn't help that Sousuke's sitting behind him and combing his fingers through Haru's hair every now and then.

Okay, so maybe his nervousness had been unwarranted; they're just watching a film, they're barely even talking since Haruka's too concentrated on the film, anyway, and he's realised he doesn't actually have a  _reason_  to be nervous around Sousuke. Back at the beginning of his last year in high school when Sousuke backed him into a vending machine? Yeah, maybe a little. Now? No, not so much.

The Sousuke from back then and now are vastly different, and it makes Haru wonder just how the two different versions would act around each other were they to meet. Sousuke from his third year in high school would probably punch present Sousuke, and present Sousuke would probably just laugh or snort at it. Funny how one person can change so much, almost to the point where you almost wouldn't recognise them if you were to meet them again after all those years. Haru's pretty sure  _he_ wouldn't recognise Sousuke if he'd stopped seeing him after high school, and then suddenly just bumped into him on the street. _  
_

Haruka tilts his head back a little to glance up at Sousuke. Is he  _really_ interested in this kind of film, or is he just going along with it because Haru wanted to see it? But Haruka notices Sousuke actually  _is_ watching, and he seems a little interested in it, too. Haruka makes a mental note to have Sousuke pick a film next time they decide on hanging out like this. Or... having a 'date' like this.

 

* * *

 

The documentary ends, and the popcorn bowl has been emptied a long time ago. Haru's pretty sure he only got two handfuls of the contents, but he doesn't mind. At least he's worked up an appetite now, and would probably be able to eat a regular sized meal of whatever he'd order. (Probably mackerel. Mackerel pizza with pineapple? Yes, probably.)

"Did you enjoy it?"

Haruka blinks, a little dazed. "What?"

"The documentary. Please don't say you fell asleep."

"Oh. No, I didn't fall asleep. I liked it."

"Okay, good. I did too, and I wasn't expecting that. You must be rubbing off on me. Order food?"

So they do, and Sousuke can't hide the look of disgust on his face when Haru places his order. Not that Haruka cares, of course; he can pay for his own food if Sousuke doesn't want to pay for whatever he orders that Sousuke absolutely hates. He's okay with mackerel if he isn't subjected to it every day, but apparently he doesn't like the pineapple plus mackerel combo. He says he absolutely won't have pineapple on pizza, which reminds Haru of Amakata-sensei back in high school, who was of the same opinion.

Their food arrives, Haruka's mackerel and pineapple pizza and Sousuke's kitsune udon, and while Sousuke puts their food out on the table, Haruka goes out into the kitchen to fetch them drinks. He doesn't even have to ask Sousuke what he wants, because it's always the same Cola, no matter what he eats with it. Honestly, Haru's willing to bet that Sousuke would have Cola for breakfast if he could.

"Thanks," Sousuke says as he sits down and hands him the Cola, setting down his own water bottle on the table. "You're not really a soda kind of person, are you?"

Haru shrugs. "No. I prefer water."

Sousuke snorts and rolls his eyes, twirling his chopsticks between his fingers. "How many times haven't I heard  _that_ one before?"

They leave the TV on in the background while they eat; Haru listening to Sousuke rambling on about his job; what he hates about it, what's  _okay_ with his job, and how he absolutely despises most of his co-workers. As much as he probably  _shouldn't_ find this amusing, Haru enjoys listening to Sousuke's rant, and it fascinates him just how people can get so fired up about these things. He wonders when the last time was when  _he_ got so fired up about something, if even just a little passionate. His depressions sure puts a damper on his feelings for the most part, but there are some times where it seems to let his feelings through.

"Oi, what're you smiling for? You find this amusing?"

Haru flinches, and he feels his cheeks burn. He frowns and looks away. "I'm not smiling."

Sousuke hums and leans forward on the low table. "You are  _so_ smiling. But I don't mind that. It's been a while since I saw you smile, is all."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologise, idiot. I'm glad I can provide you with entertaining stories, even if it  _is_ about my jackass co-workers and the crappy slightly caffeinated water they have the audacity to call coffee."

Haru sighs, but then the smile finds its way onto his lips again. He feels a finger under his chin that pulls his face to look straight at Sousuke, whose face is now almost scarily close to his. "Haru", he almost whispers in a low voice that sends a chill down Haru's spine. "Can I kiss you?"

"Yeah," he finds himself answering almost too quickly, and before he knows it, Sousuke  _does_ kiss him. Gently, almost as if he's scared to  _break_  Haru, which of course wouldn't be possible with a mere kiss. Haru returns it, and he leans forward as well. When it gets a little deeper and tongues are involved, Sousuke pulls back, and Haru blinks in slight daze and confusion. "What?" he asks.

"You taste like mackerel", Sousuke comments, "but I find myself not wanting to stop kissing you. What the hell are you doing to me, making me like documentaries about fish and penguins, and actually liking the taste of mackerel?"

"I'm a good influence on you?" Haru suggests, and Sousuke laughs.

"Yeah, _right_."

Haru captures Sousuke's lips in another kiss before he can continue spewing out further provocations. Sousuke seems a little taken aback by it, but when Haru feels Sousuke smiling against his lips, he figures the other doesn't mind.

Sousuke ends up, once again, spending the night, and this time, Haru doesn't even pull out the futon.

"You know," Sousuke says, lying on his back with his hands behind his head, "I should really just bring all of my stuff with me whenever I come over. No offence, but I really don't wanna have to keep using your stuff."

Haru sniffs and closes his eyes. "Fine with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse me while I go and lie down for a bit.
> 
> (I had to listen to VERTUEUX's "[Milky Way](https://soundcloud.com/sayuuki-deathscythe/verteux-milky-way)" on repeat to be able to write all of that gross fluff. I'm losing the ability to properly write it without music that makes me emotional playing.)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Queen Matsuoka returns to talk some sense into Haruka and Sousuke, both of whom have another discussion to take with Rin.

Haruka wakes up with a jolt when his phone rings and violently vibrates on his night stand. He almost expects it to be Kisumi, but when the name "Gou" is shown on his screen, he's beyond surprised. It gives him kind of a deja vu feeling for some reason. He once again pries Sousuke's arm off of him and sits up in bed to answer the call.

"Yes?" He notices just how groggy he sounds, and clears his throat.

" _Were you asleep, Haruka? Sorry. I was wondering if it's okay if I come over? I need to talk to you about something. Also, do you know where Sousuke-kun is? I went by his place but he's not there, and he's not answering his phone. I kind of wanted to talk to him, too._ "

Oh no. This is _bad_. Haruka kicks Sousuke in an attempt to get him out of bed, but Sousuke just turns over with a low groan, and Haru's stress level shoots through the roof. Sure, Gou knows he and Sousuke are a thing, but it would still be awkward if she were to catch them just having gotten out of bed. A bed which they shared. She doesn't know how far they went last night, but she can guess, and that's the thing Haru wants to avoid.

"No, I don't know where he is. When are you... going to be here, in that case? I need to shower."

"Can you  _stop_ talking so loud at ass o'clock in the morning? Some of us are trying to sleep here," comes Sousuke's voice behind Haruka, and he sighs. Well, so much for keeping things secret for at least a little bit.

" _Sousuke-kun's there, isn't he? It's not nice to lie to people, Haruka. I'm giving you two half an hour. To be nice._ "

"Can you at least tell me what it's about?"

Sousuke sits up and brings his arms around Haruka again, resting his chin on Haru's shoulder. Haru, for once, doesn't mind the added weight on top of him. He knows better than to turn his head to face Sousuke, though, because that's like telling Sousuke it's okay for him to kiss Haru. Which, of course, it isn't, because if there's something Haruka despises, it's morning breath.

" _It's about my brother; I' talked to him yesterday. Go shower already, I'm not waiting all day,_ " Gou says, and as usual, Haru finds himself obeying to his former manager. He hangs up, and wriggles his upper body a bit to get Sousuke off of him.

"We need to get up. Shower and stuff."

"Who was it?"

"Gou."

Or is it Kou? He doesn't know what she prefers to be called these days, but recalls her being very adamant on people calling her 'Kou' back in high school, because she didn't like the masculine ring to her actual name. Haruka never really cared about such things with his own name, because he doesn't think there's anything really masculine or feminine with a name. It's just a name, what gives?

Sousuke's eyes widen, and he immediately jumps up. "Wait. Fuck. Is she coming over?"

"Yeah."

"I shower first. You're slow."

Haruka doesn't even have time to protest before Sousuke's out the door. At least he has one less thing to stress out about now.

 

* * *

 

He's right in the middle of frying some mackerel when the doorbell rings. Sousuke, who's sitting by the kotatsu, gets up and stretches. "Want me to get that?"

Haruka shrugs. "Might as well, she already knows you're here."

Sousuke makes an acknowledging noise before he trudges out into the hallway, and Haruka returns his attention to the stove. It's getting a lot easier to convince Sousuke to have mackerel, he's noticed, but maybe that's because the other option is for him to cook his own food. And Haru knows Sousuke's too lazy to do that when the first option is obviously a lot more convenient.

Haru listens as Sousuke greets Gou by the door, and he bites his lip to stop himself from smiling when she starts scolding Sousuke. Everything is as it should, in other words. He presses the two pieces of mackerel down into the pan for a second before he takes them out and puts them on separate plates, and then turns off the burner to prepare the rest. Soon enough, Haru hears Sousuke and Gou coming inside, and it doesn't take even a second before she begins ranting at him, too.

"I can't believe you didn't want to tell me Sousuke-kun spent the night," comes Gou's voice behind him, and Haruka snorts as he turns around to face her.

"I don't owe you that. You were on your way here, anyway."

"But still," she argues, and then sighs. "Whatever. I see you're still having mackerel for every meal of the day."

"Trust me, I've tried to change him, but he's as stubborn as ever," Sousuke fills in, and Haruka glares at him.

"Guess you don't need any food, huh."

"I do! Shit. Forget what I said, okay? Mackerel's good food. Healthy. I should eat healthier food. Rin says so, too."

Gou walks over to the kotatsu and sits down, tucking her skirt in. "Speaking of onii-chan, I guess you know why I'm here, Sousuke-kun."

When he's added rice and vegetables onto the plates, Haruka takes them over to the table and sets them down before returning for the miso bowls. It doesn't really surprise him that Gou's a morning person, because her brother is, too. Well, that is when he isn't hungover, of course, but he still probably sticks to his morning routine of going for a run before breakfast.

"Thanks," Sousuke says as the plate's put down in front of him, and then Haruka sits down on the opposite side of him, with Gou to his right. As always, she has a determined look on her face; unwavering, confident, almost. Haru's always admired her for her strength, for her ability to keep pretty much everyone around her together, and she doesn't have to do too much in order to do so.

The two begin to eat, and Gou begins to talk while they do. "I visited onii-chan yesterday. Makoto-senpai contacted me pretty much the day after, and he was... pretty distraught. Probably doesn't want you two to know that, but I think you should know how this whole thing affects your friends, too."

Sousuke sighs. "We didn't really mean to—"

"I know," Gou interrupts. "I know, but just think about it, okay? Makoto-senpai doesn't like that you guys are fighting over this. Onii-chan overreacted, and I think we all know that. Sure, I wasn't really there, but from what I've heard, I think I can form somewhat of an opinion. In any case, I managed to get him to at least  _somewhat_ understand you two."

Haruka chews slowly, and then swallows. "What are you getting at? Is he still mad at us?"

"Not as much as he was before, I'd like to think. What I'm trying to get at, if you'd let me, is that you should go talk to him again. Properly. He's calmed down a little, and at least now he knows a little more than he did before. And if you talked to him, I'm sure you'd sort things out. I understand that onii-chan got upset, because of course he would. Two of his best friends held something secret from him, and then found out from someone else. I get that."

"It wasn't really on purpose. Kisumi has a big mouth he should keep shut at all fucking times," Sousuke grumbles into his glass of water before taking a sip. Gou rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.

"That's mean. Kisumi-kun means well, and it obviously just slipped out. Don't tell me  _you_ haven't said things you didn't mean to while under the influence of alcohol."

Haru thinks back to the thing Sousuke said which made Kisumi blurt the whole thing out in the first place, and he knows Sousuke's remembering that, too, without having to look at him. If there's any expression that could explain that entire situation, calling it a train-wreck would come closest to describing it. Of course Haruka would've done things differently if he could, but since it's already done, there's nothing to do but to keep moving forward. Fix things that can be fixed, and all that. Which he's all for, of course, because he doesn't want to lose Rin because of a thing like this.

Sousuke clicks his tongue, frowns and looks down at his already half-empty plate. "Fine. I hope you told him not to get physical if we  _do_ come and talk to him. I'm not going to fight him again, I'm done with those childish things."

"I didn't, no — but I think he knows not to. Give him some credit, Sousuke-kun. Onii-chan isn't  _stupid_ , and you know that."

Sometimes, Haruka would beg to differ on that one, but he doesn't say it.

"Call him. Set up a time during the week when you can all meet. It isn't that difficult, really. Now that I've talked some sense into him, things should be even easier."

Sousuke laughs a little. "Normally, I'd say 'don't flatter yourself', but I can't really say that now. Thanks, Gou. We'll talk to him. This week, yes."

Gou nods approvingly. "That's all I wanted to hear. I care about you guys a lot, even if you can be idiots sometimes. I love you despite that."

Haruka feels his ears burn a little at the affection unexpectedly thrown at him, and he avoids to meet her gaze. Sousuke clears his throat, and Haruka knows he's not too comfortable with it, either. Not that Haruka doesn't appreciate it, of course, but he still isn't used to people being so open about what they feel for him. He still can't really do the same, as much as he wants to. Probably not even when he's drunk.

 

* * *

 

Kisumi comes by and bothers him at work that following Tuesday, and Haruka humours him for a bit during his break, letting Kisumi rant at him and try to entertain him. The two have lunch together later, and then Kisumi disappears off to work, leaving Haruka to return to his own. It's just another monotonous day at the pastry shop, and it's a rather slow one, which makes him restless.

He constantly daydreams of leaving this god awful establishment and seeking out some other kind of job, but he doesn't know what else he'd want to do that would keep him from ripping his hair out. Some days, he actually  _does_ enjoy baking pastries, decorating them, making those disgusting frappuccinos for customers. But then there are days like these, when all he wants is to lie in his bath tub for a few hours.

Haruka returns to an empty house and almost says "I'm home" upon entering, but then catches himself. It's odd how he'd never had trouble living on his own like this before, but now that Sousuke's been over so often, he's almost gotten used to having Sousuke around so often that when he  _isn't_ there, Haruka actually feels a little lonely.

Having changed into a pair of sweatpants, Haruka sits down by his kotatsu with a sketchpad and a pen in hand, and begins drawing. He doesn't really think about what he's drawing, just lets his hand run free. It's pretty common for him to do so, and he's always surprised by the end result. It can be very abstract things that he can't try and make something out of even if he squints, and then sometimes he almost wants to burn the sketch because it pretty much mirrors his inner thoughts and feelings. It used to be a lot worse before he and Sousuke started dating, though, but they can still be pretty scary these days.

Haru remembers how his psychiatrist had told him that this was a good way of letting things out, since he isn't a very vocal person, and someone who doesn't like sharing personal things with others. But when he does see his inner thoughts drawn out like that, he wishes for the most part that he wouldn't have to resort to this. Having it drawn out like that and for him to think that this is what's actually going on in his head makes him almost sick to his stomach. Even so, he's  _still_ too stubborn to try and do something about it. Like actually booking appointments with his psychiatrist again. Trying to see over the pills he should be taking, getting a new prescription and an actual plan to try and get better.

Can one really  _get_  cured from depression? Haru seriously doubts it. He's always thought that a bunch of pills and pouring out his soul to a trained professional won't magically fix him no matter how long he keeps at it, so that's why he's in this position. That's why he's still having these nightmares, having these occasional periods where that stupid grey cloud over his head won't disappear. If anything, he figures things might just get  _better_ , but they won't ever disappear completely. At least that's what he thinks.

Letting his hand draw without putting any mind to it, Haruka keeps his vacant eyes on the pen, and his thoughts elsewhere. The sound from the TV eventually fades out in the background, and all he hears is silence. After about half an hour of being at it, Haruka finally looks at his drawing, and he doesn't even react to it. Doesn't know how to. He feels like he's lost a huge chunk of his artistic ability with these meaningless scribbles, and the realisation makes him so frustrated that he rips off the page, crumples it, and tosses it across the room.

With an annoyed huff, Haru gets up from his pillow by the kotatsu and heads towards the bathroom. Just as he runs the water in the tub, he hears his phone ringing in the hall, and he walks out again, leaving the tap on. He's  _going_ to take that bath, no matter what. He both needs and probably deserves it after a day like this.

"Yeah?" he answers, not even having bothered to look at his screen beforehand. Sousuke's voice greets him, and he isn't even surprised.

" _Hey, Haru. You up to anything? I was thinking we could go see Rin. If you want._ "

Haruka casts an eye on the bathroom door, and sighs. "Sure, we can do that. Have you talked to him? Just so we're not coming over unannounced."

" _Sent him a text. He's at home, and Tachibana isn't. I was thinking maybe we should wait until he is, but it's probably better if it's just the three of us_."

"Makoto would probably get involved otherwise," Haru muses. "Alright, fine. Meet you outside their house?"

" _Sure. Can you be there in twenty?_ "

... No bath, apparently. God help him if something comes up later that night that prevents him from getting to take that bath.

So Haruka gets himself dressed again, and heads out the door to walk over to Rin's and Makoto's house. Thankfully it isn't that far of a walk, but it somehow  _feels_ longer this time. He can't help but be nervous about their second confrontation with Rin, because the fear of losing Rin as a friend is clouding his vision, making him unable to see any other way for this to end tonight. At least he won't be alone in trying to talk to Rin, but he still wishes this wouldn't have had to happen in the first place.

 _Kisumi has a big mouth he should keep shut at all fucking times_. Haruka thinks back to Sousuke's words, and he has to agree, no matter how much he may value Kisumi as a friend. Sometimes, Kisumi  _should_ just shut up. Not say anything, just sit there and be the pretty guy he is. (And yes, even Haruka can admit to that, because it's so up in his face that there really isn't any other way around it.)

He makes it to Makoto's and Rin's place in about ten minutes, and he sees Sousuke's car parked outside, which makes him relax his shoulders a little. Sousuke turns off the engine and gets out when Haruka walks closer, and Haruka nearly crashes into his chest as fast as he's walking. Sousuke lets out a sigh and wraps his arms around Haru.

"Hey," he says. "You okay?"

Haruka doesn't answer. He returns the embrace and breathes slowly, takes in Sousuke's scent, tries to calm himself down. Things could still very much go to hell tonight, who's to say Rin  _isn't_ going to still be mad at them? He has all the right to. Haruka and Sousuke kept something from him, and he's supposed to be one of their best friends. Sousuke's best friend period, even.

"It'll be fine," Sousuke continues, and Haruka snorts.

"Do  _you_ believe that?"

Sousuke goes quiet for a few seconds, but then he rests his chin on top of Haruka's head.

"Yeah. I mean, I have to. Otherwise we might just as well go home and  _not_ do this. And I don't want to. I want to be friends with Rin, and I don't want something stupid like this ruin that. That's fucking dumb, and I'd be an idiot to let that happen."

Haru tightens his grip on the back of Sousuke's jacket. "I want to be friends with him, too," he mumbles.

"So let's go in there and try to keep it that way. At least Tachibana and Gou talked to him, and it seems like he _might_ actually be easier to talk to this time around. Let's just give it a shot; we won't know if we don't try."

Stupid Sousuke and his sudden bouts of optimism. Haruka relents, and they go up to the front door. Sousuke rings the doorbell, and Haruka clenches his fists by his sides. When Rin opens the door, Haruka's breath hitches in his throat, and he feels Sousuke's eyes on him.

"Oh. Hey," Rin says. "Er, come in."

Almost sounds like he  _doesn't_ want them to.

But Haruka and Sousuke enter anyway, and they take their jackets and shoes off in the hallway in silence. Haru almost expects Makoto to come out and greet them any second now, but he knows Makoto isn't at home. He has to do this on his own, and while it's something he's always wanted to do, to be more independent and stop relying on Makoto in regards to pretty much everything — having Makoto around right now would make him feel just a little safer.

They follow Rin into the living room, and get seated by the kotatsu. Haru almost sits down right next to Sousuke, but given the probably sensitive situation, he refrains. It would've given him at least a  _little_ more confidence and support, but at the same time, he knows he has to try and stand on his own. Especially when it comes to situations like these; he can't just let Sousuke do all the talking and apologising, because he's part of it, too.

"I know I've said this before," Sousuke begins, "but I'm sorry. I did a shitty thing, I know, and if I could take it back and do it differently, I would. But I can't. So all I hope is that you can forgive me—"

"—us," Haruka corrects, and Sousuke looks at him before nodding.

"Yeah. Yeah, us, of course. We didn't really mean to exclude you or hide things."

"I know," Rin sighs. "And I'm sorry for overreacting. I mean, I can't really say how  _I_ would act in that situation, because I've never been there. So I don't have any right to lecture you on what you should or shouldn't have done, or to say that what you did was right or wrong. But yeah, I guess I do forgive you. I... didn't really know you had feelings for me before, and knowing that now puts things in a different perspective."

Sousuke visibly tenses, and Haruka feels like he shouldn't be here for this. Rather, he doesn't  _want_ to be. It feels like this isn't something he should hear, and he doesn't want to hear it, either. Sure, it's a thing of the past, but it's a pretty recent past, and a bit of a sore subject for Haruka. And why wouldn't it be? His boyfriend since not too long ago talks openly about the feelings he used to have for one of Haru's closest friends, whom also happens to be Sousuke's best friend. How could hearing about this possibly benefit Haruka?

"But we can... still be friends, right? I mean, because I'm with Haru now, and all. And I don't have feelings for you. Now, that is."

Rin puts his elbows on the table and supports his chin in his hands. "We can. Things might not be the same, but... I want to try. Because I don't want to  _not_ be friends with you. And same with Haru. I value you both, and I wouldn't really want to let something like this destroy what we have. As cheesy as it may sound, but I hope you get what I mean."

"Yeah," Sousuke replies, and Haruka realises that he's once again not really contributed a whole lot to this, so he clears his throat.

"Rin, I'm sorry, too. I'm not... I didn't mean to hurt you. I never wanted to. I'm—"

A vision enters his mind where twelve year old Rin turns his back on Haruka, wipes away his tears, and says that he's going to quit swimming. It's after the race they had when Rin came back one winter break from Australia, and Haruka doesn't know what to do. How to reach out to Rin, how to stop him from leaving. Haru's hands are shaking, and he's unable to keep eye contact with either of the men sitting in the same room as him right now. He takes a few shaky breaths to try and get himself back up on his feet, but it isn't working, and it's just getting worse.

When Sousuke takes his hand from the side, Haruka snaps out of his thoughts, and his eyes immediately dart to Sousuke. He hasn't even realised he's crying, and now that he feels a tear roll down his cheek, he quickly brings a hand up to wipe it away, to remove any evidence of him having broken down. Of course, it's far too late for that, since both Rin and Sousuke have witnessed the entire thing.

"Haru, it's fine, I promise," comes Rin's small voice from across the table. "I didn't know you... felt like that. We're still friends, okay? And I'm not just saying that to placate you, or to make things better. I  _want_ to be friends, of course. We've all made mistakes, but we can make up for them, starting now. Okay?"

Haruka nods slowly, and Sousuke loosens his grip on his hand a little, but doesn't let go.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke drops Haruka off at his house, and is invited to come up, an offer he doesn't reject. They walk inside in silence, and when they're well inside the house and have taken their jackets and shoes off, Haru pushes Sousuke up against the nearest wall and pulls him down by the front of Sousuke's sweater to kiss him. Sousuke seems taken aback with it, but why wouldn't he? Haruka barely even knows what he's doing himself, all he knows is that he needs something to take his mind off of things, or he'll go into a lockdown or the complete opposite. Neither of which are options he wants to choose between.

His boyfriend does go along with it, however, and lifts Haru up, wrapping his legs around Sousuke's middle to keep him there. Sousuke takes one of his hands and brushes his fingers through Haruka's hair as they kiss, and he turns them around so that Haru's the one pinned up against the wall instead. Extra support, Haru figures, but he doesn't mind it. He really admires Sousuke's strength; Sousuke being able to hold him up like this while they're making out in Haruka's hallway, not even having entered the house yet.

Haru lets a needy sigh escape through his nose, and Sousuke almost growls into his mouth, pressing him up against the wall even harder. But then Sousuke pulls away, slightly out of breath, and Haru notices a faint tinge of pink on his cheeks.

"We should... probably move somewhere else," Sousuke says. "Right?"

"Yeah", Haru whispers back, and then Sousuke carries him up the stairs, making sure to keep Haru's legs around his waist while he's climbing the steps to the second floor. Surprisingly enough, Sousuke manages to walk into the bedroom without stumbling. He lays Haru down onto the bed, and crawls on top of him to resume the kissing as if they'd never stopped in the first place. Haruka puts his arms around Sousuke's neck, pulling him closer, and Sousuke complies.

It doesn't take too long before Haruka wants to go further than just kissing, so he brings his hands down to try and pry the shirt off of Sousuke, who thankfully takes the hint pretty quickly, and then helps Haru off with his. When they're all but down to their underwear, Haruka just runs his hands up and down Sousuke's back, enjoys the feeling of warm skin underneath his fingers. They complement each other so well, since Sousuke's got an endless amount of heat, and Haru's usually cold unless it's summer, and he can put his feet against Sousuke when the other sleeps.

Sousuke trails kisses down his neck, and Haruka leans his head back with a breathless moan, closing his eyes, letting himself be completely pampered and spoiled rotten. He absolutely  _loves_ how Sousuke keeps giving him all of this attention and affection; it's not something he'd usually care much for, but Sousuke seems to have changed that in him. Now, he finds himself just wanting more of it, wanting it to never stop. And while it kind of scares him that he's so sickeningly dependent on Sousuke's closeness and affection, it also makes him think that maybe it's okay. Because obviously Sousuke's more than okay with it, or he most definitely wouldn't be doing this.

"Can I touch you?"

Haruka manages to snort. "You already are."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah. And... yes."

Sousuke's hand trails down to let a finger hook on Haru's boxers, and Haru unconsciously clings tighter to Sousuke as he does. But then Sousuke reaches his fingers inside, and that's where Haru's limit is reached. He violently flinches, and his eyes are blown wide as he suddenly struggles to breathe.

What if things go back to the way they were before? What if they're just going to revert to a sex-only relationship, without all of those things Haru's wanted since way before that? What if—

"Haru? Oi, are you okay? What's going on?"

Sousuke immediately stops moving, and gets off.

"I can't— I can't do it," he sobs, and then it doesn't take long before he's full out crying. "I— I'm sorry, Sousuke."

"It's fine, but... er, do you... want me to sleep out by the kotatsu instead?"

"I'm sorry..."

Haruka curls into a foetal position, hugs his legs. Sousuke gets off the bed, but before he leaves, he drapes the duvet over Haru and turns off the light on his way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haru, my son. I don't deserve to write a character like you. I'm sorry.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka's job situation changes, Kisumi gives him a weird offer and a push, and Sousuke is patient.

Haruka wakes up around noon the next day, and when he turns over, there's a note on his night-stand, propped up against the bedside lamp. Squinting at the light coming in through his curtains, Haruka picks said note up to read it.

' _I don't know if you want to talk about it, but if you do, I'm here. Call me. S_.'

Maybe he left a note so he wouldn't wake Haru with a text? It's kind of cute, Haru finds. He puts the note down on the night-stand to lie down again, and pulls the duvet over his head, hoping no one's going to do what Gou did yesterday and come bug him. Or even call him. If they do, he might just go and submerge his phone under water in the sink again. If he's done it before, why not again? Sure, it's not very cheap to keep buying new phones, but the thought of being without his phone for a while is still very tempting.

He decides against it, though, and ends up lying in bed for another hour or so before he gets bored and annoyed with himself. Then he gets out of bed, and decides to take a shower. Lying in the bath would be counter-productive, since what he  _doesn't_ want is to keep thinking about these stupid things, so that's why he decides on a five minute shower instead. At least it wakes him up a little, and when he's gotten dressed and dried his hair with a towel, he's out the door, phone safely tucked in the pocket of his hoodie, and music playing in his ears.

When Haruka ends up outside the pastry shop, he takes a deep breath to brace himself for the verbal storm he's probably about to experience as he walks in through the door. Not that it really matters to him, considering  _why_ he's here four hours past his original clock in-time. He can take it; it's the last time he'll ever have to, and he knows he'll just feel immense relief as he walks away from there, even if it does mean he'll do so unemployed.

Haru walks in, and the bell rings when the door closes. The woman standing behind the register looks at him, and she actually  _scoffs_. Haruka resists a roll of his eyes in response as he walks forward.

"Is Kimura in?"

She regards him for a second, one eyebrow raised in very blatant disapproval. "Should be."

He can literally  _see_ her thoughts in her eyes and in her general expression.  _Didn't really expect to see you here_. Well, she won't have to see him again very soon, that's for sure.

"Right."

He walks past her into the back, and unlike other times when he'd come in to work, he doesn't put his apron on, doesn't even look towards the lockers. He remembers that he does have a few things in his locker that he should probably grab on the way out, or they'd probably get burnt by his soon-to-be former co-workers.

Haru knocks on the office door, and it doesn't take long for a reply to come his way.

"Come in."

And he does. Braces himself as he walks in, expects that verbal storm to blow him in the face. It doesn't, and Haruka relaxes a little. He bows slightly.

"Sorry for coming by like this," he says. "I have something I would like to talk to you about."

"Good timing," Kimura says, and gestures towards the chair in front of him. "Take a seat, Nanase."

He feels a little hesitant all of a sudden, now that he's actually here. Like some of the bravado — if that's what you could even call it — he had prior to walking inside had just dissipated into thin air. Left him in doubt and insecurity that he would've _loved_ to just chuck out the window behind Kimura's head. But he's so close to being free, to release himself from the shackles he's been bound by for a few years now. The metaphorical marks on his wrists probably won't disappear for a while, but it might still be worth it.

Not that Haruka really knows where he'd go after this. He does have enough money saved up to be able to survive for a while even without a job, and the occasional commission does give him a decent amount of money, but he also knows he needs something proper to occupy himself with. God knows what people would think when he  _does_  quit. Rin might tear him into pieces. Makoto's most  _definitely_ going to give him the Makoto-look. The one that says ' _I'm worried about you, I only want what's best for you, and even though I don't know what that is, you should do something about it_ '. Sometimes, it just makes Haruka  _not_ want to do anything about it, almost to spite his best friend since childhood. He's grown away from that kind of behaviour long ago, even if the thought _is_ tempting at times.

"What's on your mind, Nanase?" Kimura asks.

"I've decided I want to resign. It isn't anything against you, or anyone else here. Or even the shop itself. It's just... not right. For me."

Kimura looks at him with a serious expression that almost  _scares_ Haru, but then he sighs. Leans forward a little, interlaces his fingers. "I'm going to be completely honest with you, and say that I've been thinking of letting you go for a while. I've noticed how you don't really seem to enjoy it here anymore, and it's a shame. You've been an asset to this pastry shop, and I'm not exaggerating."

Haruka looks down at his hands, and now almost feels bad for having thought Kimura would yell at him. Honestly, he'd thought that if he'd ever get fired, things would've gone down a lot uglier than this. This is just...  _too_ good to be a resignation slash him getting fired. At the same time, he's glad this  _is_ the way things happened instead of the other way he'd imagined. Kimura can be a good guy when he wants to be.

"Thank you," he says.

"But you're right, this is probably for the best, at least for you. I'm sad to see you go, but you should come first at all times."

If only he could tell himself that, too.

Haruka shakes hands with Kimura for the last time, and on his way out, he makes sure his bow is a  _little_ more sincere. The woman behind the register, his now former co-worker, doesn't even give him an ounce of her attention as he comes out, but Haru prefers it that way. He leaves the pastry shop behind, lets out a long exhale, and puts his in-ear headphones back in.

" _Take in the boundless azure sky and show me your unblemished heart_  
_Catch all of those non-stop moments for how fleeting they are_  
_Oh angel, take a breath, and aim for the heavens once more_  
_Strip off your tattered wings and go do as you like_ "

He almost laughs at the irony of the lyrics to the song he listens to whilst walking away from the pastry shop back to his house. He _does_ feel free, finally, like he's able to actually spread his wings again, and fly wherever the hell he wants. Well, not exactly wherever — since he still needs to land in a place where they're actually  _willing_ to hire him, and where he feels like he can actually work without wanting to rip his hair out.

His music is interrupted by a phone call, and he sighs before pressing the button on his microphone. "Yes?"

" _Haru? Hey, I just went by the shop, they told me you don't work there anymore?_ "

 _Wow_ , word travels fast. "I don't. I'm on my way home from there now, actually."

" _Don't go all the way home yet! Let's have lunch, I'm buying_."

The fact that Kisumi has to  _bribe_ him should probably make Haruka feel bad, but he doesn't. He agrees to it, though, and walks back to meet Kisumi near his former workplace.

 

* * *

 

"But what are you gonna do now if you don't have a job?"

Haruka shrugs, takes a sip from his ice cold water. "I'll figure something out. Maybe."

"You can come work with me. Just imagine us being work-buddies", Kisumi says with a dreamy sigh, and Haruka snorts.

"I'm not going to work in  _your_ shop. Mine was crazy enough."

Kisumi leans forward on the table, narrows his eyes with a smile, as if he really thinks his plan's going to work. "Just imagine it, though. It'd probably give you some ideas on how to spice things up in the bedroom with Sousuke, too. Don't tell me you aren't tempted."

Haruka flinches, and averts his gaze. Suddenly, he isn't all that hungry anymore, and he hasn't even had half of his portion.

"Wait, hey — did I say something wrong? Did something happen with Sousuke?"

How much is Haru really going to reveal to Kisumi? Everything, apparently. At least everything that has to do with Sousuke. And maybe that's easier than having to do it to Makoto, because Makoto would understand even less than Kisumi's proven to do up until now. He hunches his shoulders, and sighs.

"I kind of screwed up," he admits. "I don't think he's too happy with me right now."

"What do you mean 'screwed up'? Did you— oh.  _Oh_."

Well, good — Haruka doesn't have to spell it out for him. Another reason as to why telling Kisumi might've been a better idea than telling Makoto. Haru loves Makoto, sure — but there are just some things Makoto doesn't get. Doesn't have the capability of understanding because of how vastly different their situations are when it comes to these things. Makoto's even stopped asking him about these things since that time Haruka snapped at him and told Makoto he didn't understand, so it isn't as if Makoto doesn't care. And maybe that in and of itself is good enough for Haruka, at least for now. Knowing that his best friend cares, but knows to keep his distance.

"Have you talked to him? I mean since it happened. Or didn't happen," Kisumi adds.

Haru shakes his head and finally looks up. "I don't know what to say."

"Just talk to him. Wow, I'm getting _such_ a strong deja vu feeling from this. Anyway, just go over there. Talk to him. I know Sousuke, okay? He's not mad at you for a thing like that. If he is, please do feel free to punch me as much as you want. It's on me."

Haruka actually does take him up on that offer, but he keeps that to himself. Instead, he just offers Kisumi a little smile.

"Thanks, Kisumi."

"Any time, babe. Seriously, I'm always here if you wanna talk or whatever."

(Haru doesn't want to know what the 'whatever' could mean, and he doesn't ask. Kisumi's questionable occupation gives him enough clues.)

So when he's had lunch with Kisumi and forced his friend back to work, Haruka starts heading back home, but decides to try and give Sousuke a call on the way back. When he's sent to voice-mail after a few rings, he hangs up, and goes home. Of course Sousuke's working; at least he's a good citizen and does his duty. Haruka, on the other hand, quits his job because it bores the fuck out of him, and because he never wants to even  _go_ to work. To say that he feels worthless is a vast understatement.

Haru walks in through the door with his umpteenth sigh of the day, and kicks his shoes off in the hallway. When he walks into his living room, he literally jumps up into the air and yelps out loud. He  _really_ needs to start locking that door of his when he leaves the house.

"Sousuke?!"

"Sorry to barge in, I... saw that you'd called. I  _just_ about missed your call, and I'm sorry. I got worried, so I came here, but you weren't around. Figured you'd come back at some point." His expression turns serious, and he gets up from his spot by the kotatsu. "Did something happen?"

Haru's tired of hiding things. He constantly walks around and pretends he's fine when he isn't, and it reminds him of Makoto, who's even better at doing that than he is. And Haruka  _hates_ when Makoto hides things behind a fake smile. Not that Haru's smiling when he hides things, but he's pretty sure his exterior rarely gives his inner thoughts away. Unless it's Sousuke, because he can apparently see through everything. Even Haru's stone cold, hard exterior.

"I got fired. And I quit."

Sousuke blinks, frowning in confusion. "What? How does that work? Wait, you quit?"

"I went to the shop to quit. He told me he's been thinking about firing me. So now I don't have a job."

"But what're you gonna do now?"

 _Now_ who's having a deja vu feeling? "I don't know, I'll probably figure it out."

Sousuke sighs, and walks over to Haru to take him into his arms. Haruka's completely surprised by it that he recoils a little, and Sousuke looks down at him.

"Sorry. Shouldn't I—"

"That's not it. I just didn't think you wanted to."

"What? Why not?"

Haruka bites on his lower lip in hesitation. "Last night."

It takes Sousuke a few seconds, but then he lets out an  _oh_ -sound, and Haru breathes out slowly.  _Yes_ , he screwed up, and  _yes_ , he's aware of just how much he'd screwed up by denying Sousuke last night. Because of course he wanted it, too. Not just for the sake of them having sex, but for the sake of their relationship, to secure things, make things just that much stronger. To prove that they can have sex  _and_ have a proper relationship, and not have things be the way they were a few months ago when all they had was sex.

"Haru, I'm not... I'm not mad at you. I kind of realised a little too late that maybe we'd moved forward a little too fast. I don't want you to think that we're still stuck on where we were back then, because we're not. Okay?"

He tilts Haruka's head up with a finger under his chin, and while Haruka wants to look away, he doesn't. "Okay", he mumbles.

"I want to be with you. I— really like you. This isn't about sex, it's about me wanting to be with you. And if sex is involved, hey — that's just a bonus. But that's all it is. We don't _have_ to have sex for this to work."

"But I want to," Haruka replies, voice a mere whisper. "I just didn't know if you'd give me another chance."

This time, Sousuke smiles at him. Reassuringly, warmly. The look in his eyes makes Haru's heart melt, and his knees feel weak.

"I'll give you as many chances as you need."

"Would you give me one now?"

"Yeah."

When Haruka pulls Sousuke down in an attempt to kiss him, he's instead lifted up, and Sousuke takes him into his embrace while Haruka secures his legs around his middle. Sousuke buries his face against Haru's shoulder, and his shoulders relax when he exhales. Haru returns the embrace, and then he's carried upstairs to his bedroom. It's different now from last night, because now Haruka isn't fuelled by his desire to take his mind off of things after their emotionally taxing talk with Rin. They're taking it slow unlike last night, and maybe this time it'll actually work. And even if Haru doesn't quite believe it just yet, Sousuke's said he  _would_ give Haru as many chances as he needs before he feels like he's ready.

And oh, does he feel like he's ready. Ready to stop being a coward, to embrace the moment, and to move forward instead of so stubbornly sticking to status quo.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke's hands are gentle. He almost makes Haru feel like he's a piece of thin glass, like Sousuke's terrified of breaking him, doing something wrong, for them to have a repeat performance of last night. He slowly undresses Haru, kisses him on the patch of skin that's revealed as he goes along. Haru bites down on his lip to not laugh whenever Sousuke kisses him on a ticklish spot, but taking slow breaths helps, at least a little. It's like a night and day difference between every other time they've had sex. It's slow, it involves  _kisses_ , and most of all, Haruka's feelings are returned.

They take it slow, and Sousuke keeps making sure Haruka's okay, that he wants to continue, wants this at all. Haru almost gets a little tired of those questions, but he learns to understand Sousuke in all of this, too. Sousuke doesn't know what's going on inside Haru's head, and Haru doesn't really help to make himself easier to understand, either. So Sousuke does all he can to make sure he isn't stepping on Haru's toes, making sure he isn't doing anything that might make things end like they did last night. Haruka learns to understand all this in each and every thing Sousuke does, and he's glad they're starting to learn to know each other on a different plane now. Building up the trust needed for a relationship to work, especially after all they've been through.

"Are you sure?" Sousuke asks, again. And Haru replies, again, that he is. So Sousuke continues. He takes great care in preparing Haruka, making sure he won't be in pain. Haru, in turn, reassures him that he  _is_ okay, and they sort of calm each other down this way. Sousuke doesn't really have to say it, but Haru knows things are different now from then. They won't go back to the way things used to be just because they're having sex. No, this isn't even them having sex, it's far more intimate than that. More intimate than Haru's ever been with anyone before, so of course he's insecure, not knowing just what to do.

But Sousuke's there through it all to tell him that there isn't one specific way to go about things. They do it their way as long as they're both happy, and Haruka learns to relax. To take things as they come, and enjoy the moment. Haru almost wants to go so far as to call this 'making love', and maybe it isn't too far away from it, because it certainly  _feels_ like it. Sousuke makes it feel like it  _is_ them making love, and Haruka believes him.

"Haru, Haru, Haru..." Sousuke says, over and over, slowly thrusting into him, and Haruka tightens his embrace. He pulls Sousuke down, bringing his mouth close to Sousuke's ear.

"Say Haruka," he whispers, and Sousuke lets out what almost sounds like a sob, and as Haruka lies down again, Sousuke leans down to kiss him. And it isn't until then when Haruka realises Sousuke's actually crying, and he doesn't know what to do. What to say, how to react. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No," Sousuke replies, voice wavering ever so slightly. "I don't know what the fuck this is, but I didn't authorise it."

Haruka laughs, and cups Sousuke's cheek with his hand, doesn't even bother drying the tears Sousuke's spilled on his face. "It's fine."

"You know, I— I meant what I said that night. When we went out to drink. I don't deserve you... Haruka."

"Don't say stuff like that," Haru retorts with a slight frown, despite his heart skipping a beat in his chest at Sousuke saying his full name. "I could say the same thing to you, and you'd tell me not to say that."

"Yeah, I suppose," Sousuke says, and smiles. "Sorry."

When they're lying down next to each other about fifteen minutes later, Haruka takes Sousuke's hand across the mattress, and sighs. He lets the silence hang between them for a while, and Sousuke seems to think it's a good idea, too. It's odd how strongly Haruka had reacted to Sousuke using his full name in a text message all those weeks ago. How he'd ended up drenching his phone in the kitchen sink as a result of it.

But now when Sousuke says it, as Haru has  _told_ him it's okay, he likes it. He likes the slightly breathy way Sousuke pronounces his name, and feels like he could never, _ever_  get tired of hearing it. It feels exclusive, like something only Sousuke gets to say, and it makes it feel all that more special. He wonders briefly what Rin and Makoto would say about that, seeing as both of them have been denied to use Haru's full name before on several occasions.

"Sousuke."

"Mmm."

Slight pause; Haruka hesitates. "Say my name again."

Sousuke turns to face him, and even though it's dark, Haru can clearly see his face. And the smile. "Haruka."

"Again."

"You know, you're gonna get tired of hearing it if I say it so often without reason."

"There  _is_ a reason, though."

Sousuke laughs quietly, and then scoots close to kiss him. "Okay, _Haruka_. Let's sleep soon, hmm? I'm exhausted."

He ends up falling asleep a long time before Haru does. After a while of just thinking and looking up at the ceiling, Haru crawls over to rest his head on Sousuke's chest, and hearing Sousuke's heartbeat makes it easier for him to finally fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. That was surprisingly emotional to write, and took me a while as a result.
> 
> Shamelessly inserts own fave song because I can. [This](http://popnographic.tk/post/62455658293/this-is-my-fav-song-at-the-moment-so-badass-so) is the song Haru listened to when he left the pastry shop. (I uploaded that song to Tumblr in Sept. 2013 and said it was my fave song "at the moment". It's been over two years and it's still my favourite. Get me out of here.)
> 
> Also, while we're on the topic of music, [this song](http://tsukinokakera.tumblr.com/post/129212303302/just-stay-by-me) played whilst I was writing their lovemaking scene. Fucking kill me right now, that was NOT necessary. Too sappy, but god, was it perfect.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka takes care of some business, and Sousuke's glad to help him with it, as much as he can (and is allowed).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been stalling this for quite a bit, and I'm sorry. As might be obvious, things in this fic are resolving, and it's nearing its end. It's been one hell of a ride, I'll tell you that. But yes, we're getting close to the destination (end, really).

Haruka wakes up, tries to cling to the sleep that slowly leaves him, but to no avail. He sighs, and pulls his earplugs out. And that's when he's greeted by the noise that prompted him to get these things in the first place. He doesn't usually sleep with earplugs, since it isn't necessary for the most part, even though he's a light sleeper. Living up on a hill not  _super_ close to the roads has its advantages; not only because he rarely gets any visitors, but also because it makes much less noise.

Unless you're sleeping right next to a freight train, that is.

He quickly grows annoyed with Sousuke's snoring, and kicks his boyfriend lightly in the side before turning over, as if that's even going to help him now that he's awake.  _And_ he's taken his earplugs out and put them on the night-stand. He doesn't have any plans on going back to sleep, but he also doesn't want to let Sousuke sleep for much longer, since it's probably not even early morning anymore, and he doesn't want to spend his  _entire_ day in bed.

Sousuke's snoring abruptly stops, and Haruka stifles a laugh at the entire situation, as Sousuke turns around with a groan. Two arms find their way around him, one arbitrarily weaselled in under and around his middle to meet the other in an embrace. "What was that for?" Sousuke rumbles against his back, and Haru snorts.

"You snore. Loudly."

"I thought you slept with earplugs."

"I do. Took them out when I woke up, and you nearly deafened me.  _How_ did Rin sleep with you in the same room at Samezuka?"

Sousuke laughs. "That's mean. And I have no idea. He probably used earplugs, too. Didn't really check."

Silence falls between them, and Haruka lets it stay that way for a few minutes. He glances over at his phone on his night-stand, lets out a sigh through his nose, and closes his eyes.

"I have to go make a phone call," he says after a while. "If you'd let me. Need to pee first."

"What? Oh."

Sousuke lets him go, and Haruka gets up to go to the bathroom. When he returns for his phone, Sousuke's lazily scrolling through his phone, having stolen Haruka's pillow for extra support behind his head against the headboard. Haruka shrugs, and goes outside the bedroom to make said phone call. It's one he doesn't really  _want_ to make, but knows he has to. While he doesn't feel like anything could happen right now or in the next few days, he's been wrong in his assumptions before, and doesn't want to make the same mistake again. A drenched phone, gaps of blank spaces in his memory, and having bouts of crippling depression that keeps him bedridden is proof enough that he needs to get back on his prescription. And probably needs to actually  _talk_ to his psychiatrist for once.

He takes a deep breath as he listens to the idle tones going through, and when she actually picks up, Haruka wants to hang up. He doesn't.

" _Dr. Takeuchi here. Nanase-kun, is that you?_ "

Oh, so she still has his number, after all the times he  _hasn't_ called to book an appointment. "Hi, Dr. Takeuchi. Yes, it's me. I was wondering if you're free today? I would like to book an appointment."

" _I am. Is it urgent? I could set up an appointment for you in about two hours, if you want._ "

"It isn't, but I figured I wanted to get... _this_ out of the way as soon as possible."

" _Your prescription?_ "

"Yes."

" _Okay. Well, come see me in my office at one, and we'll figure something out. Does that sound good to you?_ "

"It does. Thank you so much."

He hangs up, and returns into his bedroom. Haruka figures he could probably do with having the conversation with Sousuke now rather than when he comes back. And maybe he'll still need to fill Sousuke in on some details later, who knows, but he wants to do this now while he isn't set on running away from it.

"Hey. Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Haruka says. "Breakfast?"

Sousuke jumps out of bed and hurriedly picks up his sweatpants. "I'm making eggs. For myself."

Haruka snorts and turns around to walk out again. "Suit yourself."

 

* * *

 

They both cook their food in relative silence, and it's pretty nice. Sousuke finishes his omelette a few minutes before Haruka, but the other finishes while he puts down his plate and returns into the kitchen to get them water. Haruka sits down on the opposite side of Sousuke, and takes a sip of his water. It's surprisingly cold, and feels nice.

"I need to tell you something," he begins, and meets Sousuke's gaze. He's nervous, but this is all part of that whole 'all cards on the table' thing he wants to start practising in this thing he has with Sousuke. Relationship? Yeah, that's probably what most people would call it. He's still new to it all, and it feels weird to put a label on it. Maybe he doesn't have to, at least not yet. He's comfortable with it like this, and it seems like Sousuke might be, too.

"Okay," Sousuke replies tentatively, and puts his chopsticks down. Haruka's flattered but also feels a little more nervous because Sousuke's full attention is on him now. "What is it?"

"I'm going to see my psychiatrist in about two hours. One and a half. I have depression, and I should be taking pills for it, but I haven't for a few months."

Maybe he's going forward too fast with this, Haruka doesn't really know. He doesn't quite know how to lay this information out to Sousuke in a way that'll make sense, and something that won't scare him. Not that Haruka can guarantee that, but he hopes for a better reaction than the one he'd gotten from Makoto way back when.

"I guess that... explains a few things. Does Tachibana know? And Rin?"

Haruka shrugs. "I told Makoto a long time ago, but I don't think he still understands what it means. And I can't tell Rin these things, you know what he's like."

Sousuke sighs. "Yeah, I guess I do. So... the phone incident?"

"And bouts of memory loss, yeah. All because of  _it_. And because I've been neglecting the pills."

"And because of me."

Haruka frowns, and looks down at his hands. Suddenly he doesn't feel like having his food anymore. "It wasn't your fault, Sousuke."

"It was, though. I pushed you because I was selfish and wanted you. I didn't even  _consider_ what you might be going through. And that  _does_ make it my fault."

He shakes his head. Well, at least this reaction is one Haruka had expected. The one he got from Makoto is far, _far_ from what he'd expect or want, and he's glad Sousuke's isn't similar. The thing about Makoto was that he barely even  _did_ react, almost as if he'd expected it, like he'd known, but not wanted to tell Haruka. That's what he thought back then, but he's later come to realise that Makoto just doesn't understand it, and therefore didn't know just  _how_ to react, what to say.

"It doesn't matter what I say, because you're just going to go against me. It's in the past, can we just let it stay there?"

Sousuke relents with a sigh. "Okay. Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. I'll probably talk more about things when I get back."

"Alright, fair enough; just wondering if you needed me there. Well... I know the gist of it, I suppose. Thanks for telling me this, Haruka. It means a lot. And... I'm gonna try to be of better support. Now that I know."

"Okay." Slight pause. "Thank you."

 

* * *

 

He hates everything about visits to his psychiatrist, and especially ones where he afterwards has to go get his pills, because Haruka absolutely _despises_ how the pharmacist always looks at him with pity when she hands him his bottle. Like he's some sort of weak person who has to rely on pills to get through his day. Sure, it's mostly true, but he hates that she just  _knows_  this without thinking twice. Probably worked here for a long time to get to know the patterns of people that come in to get their prescriptions.

Haru hates the agonisingly long ride in the lift up to the fifteenth floor of the building. He hates the sound of the door closing behind him with a  _click_ as he enters his psychiatrist's office. It means he's finally made it here, and that he now can't really escape. She's probably already sent a bill to his house, anyway, so he might just as well get what he's paying her for.

"Please sit, Nanase-kun," she says, and he does as he's told, sitting down on the couch. It's harder than it was last time he came here, and it might be because an entirely new couch. He doesn't know if it is, because it's been so long since he came here in the first place. She could've moved offices, and he wouldn't know. "So. Tell me what's going on with you recently. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"It has," he admits, agrees. "Things... have happened. A lot of things. I haven't taken pills in months. I suffer from gaps in my memory every now and then. Find myself doing things without  _knowing_ I'm doing them."

She frowns, concerned. "Examples?"

"I submerged my phone in my kitchen sink. I've gone out on several occasions to random places, and then realised I didn't know why I was there in the first place."

"I'm... sure you don't need me to tell you this, but this is serious. You can get into proper trouble like this. Has anything happened in your life recently? This can't just be because of ordinary events in your life, or work."

"It isn't. I... things changed with the guy I had sex with."

She knows all this, so it won't really come as a surprise to her that Haruka's been sleeping with his crush as a way for him to get out his feelings, and as a way for Haru himself to just be close to the one he's madly in love with. And of  _course_ he'd have to tell Takeuchi this, because she's his psychiatrist, and she's the one responsible for at least  _trying_ to help him get better.

"Changed," she says, almost suspiciously, "in what way?"

"I accidentally told him on New Year's. And then things just... changed so fast I barely had time to keep up. And now we're dating."

This time, her frown changes into a surprised raise of her eyebrows, and Takeuchi leans forward, Haruka's file in her hands that she puts in her lap. "You're  _dating_ him? Things have indeed changed. Are you sure this is for the best?"

"Yes," Haruka replies. "A lot of things happened. We talked things through, argued a lot. I didn't think he'd actually like me back."

"But you think he does now?"

Haruka can't deny that this entire thing is a weird series of events, and that things  _definitely_ don't make sense, the way it is between him and Sousuke now. A few months ago, he'd been hell-bent on wanting to learn how to hate Sousuke with a burning passion, and eventually — hopefully — get over him. He still doesn't know how all of this happened, but he's still glad it turned out the way it did. While Sousuke can't necessarily  _fix_ him, being with Sousuke definitely makes Haruka happier. And that's something he never would've thought until a few months ago.

He isn't an idiot; Haruka knows how to read Sousuke. At least now he does. And Sousuke's very transparent in his feelings, in his thoughts. It's very apparent to him that Sousuke's taken quite a liking to him, and that's difficult to admit even to himself. Sousuke might not be very verbally expressive, much like Haru himself, but Sousuke's actions speak far louder than words could ever hope to do.

"I do," he replies with certainty that surprises even himself. Takeuchi nods once.

"Okay. Just making sure. I'm not a relationship expert, after all; I'm just here to make sure your mental health is in check. But you want to get a new prescription, I assume?"

"Yes."

Takeuchi gives him another nod in affirmation, and takes his file up again. "Alright. I also want you to come back here at least once a week so we can talk about how things are going. Don't be a stranger, okay?"

He can't really promise anything other than that he'll try. And he really _will_ try.

 

* * *

 

His visit to the pharmacy just down the street isn't as bad as he'd originally feared. There's a new guy working there who just talks to Haruka like he  _isn't_ there to get pills for his depression. Guy just acts like he's there to buy  _toothpaste_ , which in and of itself is nice, because it makes Haruka's visit to said pharmacy a more pleasant one than his previous ones. He leaves with his pills in a bag, and walks all the way back home feeling a little better than he did when leaving the house.

"Welcome back," Sousuke calls from the living room when Haru walks in through the door. He kicks his shoes off and walks inside, plopping down right next to Sousuke by the kotatsu, and putting his bag up on the table. "Oh. Pills?"

"Yeah," Haru replies. "Figured I should start taking these properly again."

Sousuke hums in approval. He puts a hand behind Haruka's head, pulls him close, and kisses him on the side of his head. "I'm glad. If you want me to, I can be a real pain in the ass and keep reminding you to take them."

Haruka rolls his eyes. "Just what I need, another dad."

"Well, figured I'd fill his shoes since he's—"

Sousuke stops himself before he says too much, but the damage's already been done. Haruka flinches, and pulls away a bit, facing away from Sousuke. An uncomfortable silence falls, and he pulls his knees up to his chest to hug them. Soon enough, he feels Sousuke hug him from behind, but he doesn't reject the gesture.

"I'm sorry," Sousuke mumbles into his hair. "I didn't think about what I said."

"It's fine," Haruka says, and sighs. He really shouldn't mull over these issues anymore, seeing as those two never come to visit him, anyway. They're not worth his grief, worries and time. It's all just a waste, and what he needs to do is move on. Makoto told him a while ago that family doesn't have to mean blood ties, that he can form his own family out of people close to him that he holds dear. The entire concept sounded strange to him back then, and still sort of does. But he's a little more open to it now.

"Do you miss them?"

"I don't know." He really doesn't. Maybe it's just the fact that he still thinks about them every now and then that makes him angry and sometimes even sad. He doesn't think he really  _misses_ them, because there isn't anything to miss about two parents who rarely cared about you to begin with. So maybe they did when he was  _really_ young, when they had yet to be tired of parenthood. But it was clear to him even before they started travelling that they weren't cut out for the job, that they didn't  _want_ all of this responsibility.

And so they left. It's honestly better for all of them this way. No one has to be burdened with anything, and they can all learn to pick themselves up again and live a different life. A better one, if they try.

Sousuke tightens his embrace. "I don't know how much it helps, but... I'm here. If you wanna talk, take out your anger on me even if I'm not _them_ , whatever. Hell, I'd even let you punch me if you wanted to. I can take it. As long as you don't punch my right shoulder. Left is fine."

Haruka snorts, and leans back against Sousuke. "I'm not going to punch you. But... thanks. And I'd appreciate it if you stayed on my case with the pills."

"Sure." Sousuke lets a few seconds pass before he continues. "How often to you have to take those?"

"Three times a day, so I take them with every meal. And if I forget to take them, I could get nauseous, get anxiety attacks or... er, seizures." He's a bit reluctant on giving Sousuke this information since he knows Sousuke's prone to worry, but also knows he has to let him know. All cards on the table. If something  _does_ end up happening to Haru because he's forgotten to take a pill, he wants to make sure Sousuke knows why it's happening in the first place.

Sousuke makes a disapproving noise. "Sounds like you're on some pretty strong shit."

"Well, she wants me to get better. I used to take them before, it's fine as long as I don't take them on an empty stomach."

"Okay," Sousuke replies slowly, still not sounding convinced by it. Thankfully, he doesn't pry any further.

 

* * *

 

"I  _told_ you, my job offer still stands. Please don't tell me you wouldn't wanna see that, Sousuke."

Sousuke snorts, and crosses his arms. "It wouldn't fit him. Besides, he'd probably scare away your customers."

"Thanks for that one," Haruka says with a glare to his side, and Sousuke just shrugs.

"It's true. Your perpetual deadpan and shrug-tastic attitude wouldn't really sell dildos to people."

"I can train him. Just consider it, Haru," Kisumi says,  _still_ trying to persuade Haruka into working at his sex shop. No, he's not going to work in a shop where they sell sex toys. Selling sex toys wouldn't really be an issue to him since that's all they are. Sex toys. But it isn't realistic for him, and he can't see himself doing that for a living, even if he  _would_ end up getting paid better than what he got out every month from the pastry shop.

They're sitting at a little hole-in-the-wall coffee shop downtown, Sousuke having reluctantly agreed to hanging out with Kisumi for once. Kisumi, of course, had been delighted over finally getting to see Sousuke again, and even more so since Sousuke's now dating Haruka, whom he's been pestering at work every now and then. Things are certainly different from last time Haru met Kisumi, but Haru would actually venture to say that things are  _better_. Much better, in fact.

Sousuke finishes his coffee and leans back against the back of his chair. Regards Kisumi with what looks like suspicion, and Haruka holds back a snort. It's cute how protective Sousuke gets of him when they're around others. Not  _super_ protective to the point of being possessive, but it shows that he cares. Haru just wonder why he'd feel like Sousuke would have to be protective of him around  _Kisumi_ of all people. The guy couldn't even hurt a fly, he'd just miss it if he tried.

"I can't stop him if he really wants to do it," Sousuke says. "Haruka's his own person and he makes his own decisions. Just know that I'd never,  _ever_ come visit."

"Why?" Kisumi asks, pouting in feigned hurt. "What if Haru forgets his lunch? You can't just let your man _starve_ , Sousuke."

"I wouldn't forget it," Haruka cuts in. "I make my own lunches."

Kisumi rolls his eyes. "Figuratively speaking, babe. But okay, I digress. So what're you going to do instead, then?"

Haruka shrugs. "No idea, but I'll think of something."

For the moment, he doesn't really mind not having a job, but Haru knows he can't go on like this forever. One day, he  _will_ run out of money. And even if Sousuke's practically living with him now, he can't rely on him too much, either. It'll come in time, he figures. Taking it one day at a time, and for now, all he wants to do is enjoy the freedom he's both been given and taken for himself.

"You still have to tell both Makoto and Rin, though", Sousuke points out. Kisumi's eyes widen, as does Haru's.

"Wait. You haven't? Oh man. Please let me come along for this."

Haruka quickly regains his cool, and shrugs again. "No. And it'll be fine."

... he hopes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to slip in a "sfw daddy kink" joke since that's a thing Iska and I do from time to time for some reason (probably because of [this](http://popnographic.tk/post/127802714968/um-a-fic-about-haru-calling-sousuke-daddy-and)) but then it got angsty and I regret my choice. Bad idea.


	20. the end's not near (it's here)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka goes on a job hunt, and experiences something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter that has an actual title besides the Sousuke POV ones. Huh. I'm too lazy to do them, tbh. (And yet I've come up with a chapter name for every single goddamn chapter in "Wrong Number", which at this point has fifty chapters. Yeah, don't ask me how or why.)

"You did _what?!_ "

"Rin," Makoto says in a hushed voice, "you're screaming. Indoor voice."

Though people aren't really looking their way in the first place — thankfully — but it might be a good idea to be on the safe side, just so they won't get kicked out. The four of them are gathered for lunch on what Rin doesn't really want to acknowledge as his birthday, at a ramen place. Because of  _course_ it had to be ramen so Sousuke could get his unhealthy fill of the week. Luckily they at least had a mackerel dish for Haruka, and he actually quite likes it.

Rin had told them not to get him anything, and while Sousuke had told Haruka they should've done it just to be asses, anyway, he'd eventually surrendered to Haruka's stern gaze. "It's just a birthday." Well, Haruka probably would've said the same had they done this on the last day of June, which seems like a very likely happening. Makoto loves surprising people, and Rin loves... being Rin.

"Told you he wouldn't take it well," Sousuke mumbles to Haru, who shrugs. This is still leagues better than how he reacted to him and Sousuke dating, so he can take it. Maybe telling them in such a public place was a bad idea, however, seeing as there are quite a bunch of people staring their way right now. Not that Haru really cares, but Makoto does.

"Okay," Rin says. Takes a deep breath, and starts over. "So what are you going to do?"

"If I had a thousand yen bill for every time someone told me that in the past two days, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to sustain myself for a month, bills included," Haruka says. Sousuke snorts at that, but Rin still isn't satisfied with his answer.

"Seriously, Haru."

"I don't know," Haruka replies. "I'll figure something out. I'll manage without a job for a while. I can do commissions for a bit, look for jobs around the area."

"Restaurants, maybe," Sousuke suggests. "You're good at cooking. Rin, you're acting like this is the end for Haruka. It isn't. He can take care of himself."

Haruka doubts that he can, but he doesn't say anything. Rin frowns, looking as disapproving as ever, but then he sighs. "I don't doubt that, I just worry about him."

"Like Makoto," Haruka snorts, and Makoto shoots him a pretend-hurt look. "I'll be fine. I'll find something."

He doesn't really know whether to believe in that himself, but he tries to. He obviously knows he can't go on like this forever, and he can't possibly sustain himself only on doing the occasional painting commission since he doesn't get too many in the first place. But what Sousuke said puts a few thoughts in his head, and Haruka figures that maybe going down that road couldn't be so bad. It might even be interesting.

"Kisumi offered me a spot at his shop," he says, and Makoto chokes on his iced tea. Sousuke snorts, and Rin stares wide-eyed at him.

"His  _sex-shop_? Is he even considering how  _badly_ they'd sell if you were to work there?"

" _That's_ what you're reacting to?!" Makoto cries. "What did you tell him, Haru?"

Haruka rolls his eyes. "I declined, of course. I'm not going to be selling  _dildos—"_

"Shh!"

"—for a living. I'm done working with selling stuff."

"And yet you sell paintings," Rin points out, and Haruka sighs exasperatedly.

"In a store. Behind a counter. Handling customers. When I sell paintings, people come and pick them up, pay for them, leave, and that's it. I can deal with people  _that_ much."

"Such a people person," Sousuke says and teasingly bumps his shoulder. Haruka glares at him.

"I can't say I'm not worried about you," Makoto confesses, "but I know you'll do fine."

It feels like he's saying that more to calm Rin down than anything, but Haruka takes what he gets, and nods with a little smile to his best friend.

"Thank you."

 

* * *

 

"Oh my  _god_."

Haruka rolls his eyes, sits up a little better. "Could you come up with something else to say, perhaps?"

"Shut  _up,_  you're literally three fingers deep inside of me, and you expect me to  _think_ of what to say?!"

He smiles. "You doing okay?"

"Shit— yes! Absolutely fucking dandy!"

"Good."

Sousuke lets out a ragged breath, frowning. "I can't believe you're this calm about fingering a guy for the first time. Or maybe this  _isn't_ your first."

"What, who do you suggest I would've fingered before you?" Haruka snorts.

"I don't know! Why the fuck are you so good at things?"

He raises his eyebrows, and slows down. Sousuke's probably more than ready at this point, so there's no point in him continuing unless he wants to get off Sousuke this way. Which, of course, he doesn't.

"Thanks. I'll take that as a compliment."

Haruka pulls out, and wipes his fingers on a few tissues he takes out of the little box by his bed. He does feel a  _little_ nervous, but that's probably nothing compared to what Sousuke feels right now. But he can't really  _show_ that, because he knows it's going to rub off on Sousuke, and pretty badly, too.

They're at Sousuke's place, and it's late evening. Sousuke had finished his shift pretty late, and Haruka had offered to come over to make it easier on Sousuke. His apartment just doesn't feel like someone  _lives_ there anymore, since most of his stuff's over at Haruka's house by now. Sousuke's lease runs out at the end of March, and he isn't going to renew it. He'd been hesitant on it at first, but Haruka told him it was fine. He likes the extra company, especially since it's Sousuke who usually  _isn't_ all up in his face, anyway. It's pretty much like having a cat, except an indoor one.

"This might be the— _ah_ —last time we have sex in this apartment," Sousuke says with a slightly strained voice when Haruka finally thrusts in. "So you'd better fucking make it count."

"Sounded like I was well on my way before we even started having sex."

"Fuck you— _shit_ —"

Haruka leans forward to shut his boyfriend up with a kiss. Sousuke's eager to kiss him back, pulling him close with both arms around his back, and slightly tensing his thighs around Haruka's middle. Sousuke's heavy nasal breaths fan across his face, and Haruka finds that he absolutely  _loves_ being on the giving end. Hopefully this isn't just a one time thing. No, he'll make sure it isn't, because as much as he's adamant on conserving energy, he realises he just really loves being in control in bed. It'll be a problem trying to battle Sousuke over it since he's so much bigger and stronger, but Haruka isn't one to say no to a challenge of that kind.

Sousuke comes first, but Haruka isn't too far behind him. When he's discarded of his condom in the bin by the desk, Haruka lies down again to calm himself down a bit before going to clean up and ultimately going to bed for the night. He doesn't have to wait long before a pair of strong arms find their way around him again, and he sighs through his nose.

"I'm not going to fall asleep like this, you know," he says pointedly. "I'm going to take a shower. Soon."

"Soon, yeah," Sousuke mumbles. "I'll join you."

"No, you won't."

"Stingy little shit."

Sousuke does let him take a shower alone when he eventually gets up, and when he's done, they switch. Haruka gets into a pair of boxers, and then crawls in under the duvet again. He lets out a sigh in relief when he lets his head sink into the pillow. The bed's still warm, and even though his shower had just been almost scorching hot, he likes the fact that he doesn't have to go lie down in a cold bed.

It's strange to think that this might be the last time they sleep here, but he also feels strangely excited. New things await him, and he's  _so_ ready for a change, for once. Having been stuck in a rut for so long, Haruka feels like it's finally time to move forward. And this is just one of those things that'll make that a reality.

 

* * *

 

Haruka knows office jobs would drive him nuts, so he doesn't even bother looking at those ads on the internet, in the morning paper. Sousuke suggests a few options to him, too, but he just isn't feeling it. Working in retail is out of the question. No more café or coffee shop related establishments. Does he even have the right to be picky at this point? He doesn't have a proper education that could steer him into a particular field, and there aren't many places that would hire him with what little education he has on paper. His options are very,  _very_ few, he realises after days and days of having looked around, and he leans forward on his arms onto the kotatsu with a dragged-out groan.

"I  _told_ you to go to restaurants nearby," Sousuke says from across the table. "Tell them you can work there without pay for like a week. Show them what you can do. That isn't too difficult. There are probably several places around here who're hiring. Just look, it won't hurt. At least then you'll know you've tried."

He groans again. "What happened to my energy-conserving self from high school?"

"You grew up?" Sousuke suggests. "Let's face it, that thing was  _never_ going to last. Especially now that you have more responsibilities. Now that you're out of school and kind of need to work in order to sustain yourself. And no, you can't be picky about this now."

Sousuke  _really_ has to stop hanging out so much with Rin and Makoto, the latter especially. He's picking up on Makoto's mind-reading skills, and it's frankly scary. Haruka wants Sousuke to stay out of his head as much as possible, but Makoto's undoing all of with the way those are hanging out.

"Fine," he says and sits up again. "I'll go look."

So he does. Haruka walks by several places downtown; sushi bars, diners, any place that serves food, but he wrinkles his nose at most of them. That's when he remembers about the newly opened Italian place close to where he usually goes grocery shopping. It's worth a shot, if anything, and like Sousuke said, he  _could_ offer to work for free for a week or so just so they can see what he can do. At this point, he'll take pretty much anything, as long as it gives him a steady income every month, and as long as it won't make him go insane.

He walks inside, and is almost immediately greeted by a waiter who asks him if he's here to eat alone. He clears his throat.

"I actually wanted to know if you're hiring."

"Oh," the guy says, looking surprised. Of course he would. Do people still just walk into places and apply for jobs? Haruka has no idea. It's been a while since he actually looked for a job, and he'd gotten his job at the pastry shop through an internet ad, where all he had to do was send them his résumé, and then come in for one short interview before he got hired. It was almost  _too_ easy, and now he finds himself walking from place to place in search for a job.

"Hang on, I'll go get the manager," the waiter tells him, and then disappears. Haruka has the strong urge to just walk out again, but he doesn't have much time to think about it before said waiter returns with a woman in tow. She gives him a little smile and nods in acknowledgement. The waiter disappears, and Haruka wrings his hands, insecurity making a revisit.

"You were looking for a job, I heard?" the manager asks him, and Haruka looks up, nodding.

"Yes. I was wondering if maybe you have a position available."

She hums. "We actually do, you have good timing. Would you be able to come back for an interview?"

Haruka returns to the restaurant for an interview three days later. A week after his interview, the woman calls him to tell him he can come in and start working as their sous chef, first week unpaid as a trial period.

Sousuke, of course, thinks this is cause for celebration, and the four of them plus Kisumi go out for drinks. Again. Things thankfully don't end up the way they did last time, and even though a very drunk Kisumi keeps wanting Haruka to reconsider his new job, he enjoys the evening and the time spent with his friends. Of course, he and Sousuke end up being the responsible people who don't drink a whole lot, and have to ultimately make sure their friends get back home safe.

"Haruka," Sousuke says as they get into bed that night after a bath, "are you sure about this restaurant job?"

Haruka gives him a pointed look and buries half of his face under the duvet. "You told me to go look for restaurant jobs."

"I know I said that, but... I mean, with your—"

"I'll be fine. It isn't as bad as the pastry shop. I get to move around more, I don't have a lot of idle time. And I like cooking. Besides, I _am_ taking pills now. And my psychiatrist's sort of made me promise to stay in regular contact, and I know you'll pester me about that."

Sousuke takes him into his arms, and Haruka takes his usual spot, head resting on Sousuke's chest. "Okay. But don't overwork yourself, either."

Haruka snorts. "Fine. You're doing the dad thing again, just so you know."

"I know. It's because I worry about you."

He hums, and relaxes his shoulders with a sigh. There's a lot more to Sousuke's words that he doesn't say, but Haruka doesn't need for it to be said. He runs his index finger along Sousuke's chest muscles, feeling himself getting more and more tired. Maybe the restaurant job won't be what he stick with for the rest of his life, but for now, it's at least something. Something to keep him afloat, something that'll prevent him from running out of money. And for now, that's good enough. He'll be okay. At least that's something he has to tell himself enough times to believe it.

Haruka takes Sousuke's hand, interlaces their fingers. Closes his eyes, and almost manages to fall asleep before Sousuke speaks again.

"Who would've thought we'd one day end up like this? I sure as hell didn't."

Blinking slowly, Haruka tilts his head up to look at Sousuke. "If you hadn't been a stingy butt in high school, maybe things would've been different."

"Thanks for that one. I'm heartbroken."

"So you  _do_ have a heart."

Sousuke pinches him, and Haruka smiles.

It's been a weird couple of months, there's no denying that. But it still led him here, and that has to, in a weird way, mean that it was for a reason. And that maybe it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is an epilogue, where we do a little time skip. Not terribly big, but a time skip nonetheless. It's been one hell of a journey, and to everyone who's stuck with me throughout this thing, I want to say a huge thank you. Really did _not_ expect the kind of feedback I actually got, it's been very weird to get used to. Hell, I don't think I HAVE gotten used to it. Or ever will.


	21. ~ epilogue ~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's June, and a very important day is coming up. Of course, everyone knows but the person whom it really concerns.

"Nanase, orders coming up! You with me?"

Haruka looks up from the cutting board. "Yes."

"Two Napolitana, one Bolognese, one tuna bucatini. Got that?"

"Yes, chef."

Oh, how he wishes he could just switch out the tuna in that bucatini for mackerel. No, he'd just get fired if he did, and he's only had this job for a few months. Still a very dumb idea to try and take risks, no matter how small they'd be. He wonders if people would really be able to tell the difference since it's in pasta, anyway.

His chef lets out a sound of approval, and Haruka goes back to the stove to dish out a few pots and pans and begin cooking. He's had a little break from cooking to just prepare vegetables and clean up for a bit, but is more than glad to get back to the actual cooking. Things are certainly more busy there than they were at his old job, but Haruka prefers it that way, since it actually keeps him busy and prevents him from just standing about.

It hadn't taken them  _too_ long to let him cook without someone constantly hovering over him and making sure he wouldn't burn the place down or cook things the wrong way. Haruka's always been good at cooking, and of course, the people he work with didn't know about that. But maybe they realised this must've been the case, and that's why it barely took any time for him to get himself promoted up to cooking independently.

His shift ends at six, just as dinner service starts. He doesn't often work dinner service, and while that _had_ been what he wanted to do in the beginning, he finds working until six to be the better option, after all. Coming home around eleven at night for five days in a row isn't really the ideal situation, and he's glad he only does so every once in a while. They had asked him if he wanted to switch to that instead, rather than mostly working lunch service, but he'd kindly — or to the best of his abilities — declined the offer. Sure, it could earn him a little more, but since the pay isn't bad even for lunch service, he can't  complain.

"I'm home," he says when walking in through the door. Since he doesn't get a reply immediately, Haruka expects Sousuke to try and scare him  _again_ , and just keeps walking inside. In the first week or so that Sousuke started living there 'for real', he'd tried scaring Haruka quite a few times. The thing is, Haruka isn't dumb. He can  _clearly_ see Sousuke's car parked out on the street before he begins ascending the steps up to his house, he knows Sousuke's at home. It took Sousuke a while to figure that out, and in the beginning, he just thought Haruka was impossible to scare.

Well, Haru's not easily scared anyway, but in situations like these, it really  _is_ impossible.

But when he walks into the living room, he finds Sousuke asleep not so gracefully leaning on top of the kotatsu table, his chin resting on top of his folded arms. The TV's on, and Haruka guesses the boring program currently showing is what put him to sleep. For once, Sousuke isn't snoring as loudly as he usually does when he sleeps in a bed. Haruka snorts, and sits down next to Sousuke, lightly nudging his arm. Sousuke wakes up with a rather violent flinch, and then he looks up, bleary-eyed, at Haruka.

"What— why— oh."

"Hey," Haruka says. "You been asleep for long?"

Sousuke groans as he sits up straight, and then stretches his upper body. "I have no idea. What time is it?"

"Almost four."

"Oh. So half an hour, I think."

Haruka raises an eyebrow as he turns off the TV. "Not a long day at work?"

"Nah, thankfully. Wasn't a lot to do, so they told me I could go home earlier if I wanted to. Not like I was gonna complain, of course. And hey, now we're both home early. I feel like we should take advantage of that."

He rolls his eyes at that, but Haruka, of course, doesn't protest.

 

* * *

 

He knows something's up when Sousuke's out of the bed before he's even woken up, and Sousuke's side of the bed has already started to get cold. Sousuke's rarely ever out of bed on weekends before Haruka is, because he's lazy, and likes to take about half an hour just to get up after having opened his eyes. Sometimes he drags Haruka into it, and sometimes, Haruka doesn't mind that, despite usually being an early riser.

Haruka gets up, and slips into a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt before he trudges out of the bedroom. Before he even has a chance to get all the way down the stairs, Sousuke shouts at him from the kitchen, and he stops dead in his tracks.

"Don't come into the kitchen!"

"Why?" he asks back.

"Because I said so! Go back to bed. Or pet the cats out back... or something. I don't care, just... don't come in here."

Haruka frowns. "Did you break something? Is something on fire?"

"No! No, it's just— just listen to me. For once. Okay?"

He shrugs to himself, and goes back upstairs. Sousuke will inevitably come get him when it's safe to enter the kitchen again.  _His_ kitchen. He likes to remind Sousuke of that, especially when it comes to the bathroom, when Sousuke has the audacity to yell at him for taking too long in the bath. Sure, Sousuke pays for half of their expenses, so he  _should_ , in reality, be entitled to use things as he pleases. And he isn't normally one to break things, surprisingly. Haruka just likes teasing him about that, among many other things.

But he lies down on top of their bed again, and barely has time to pick up his phone from his night stand to check any missed calls or messages before the bedroom door opens again, and Sousuke comes in. He carries a tray, and it's very much full with plates and bowls. Haruka raises his eyebrows at the sight.

"You cooked?"

Sousuke snorts. "You sound like I never cook."

Well, maybe that's because Haruka usually insists on cooking dinner, but... that's beside the point.

"Why, though? Not that I'm complaining, of course," Haruka says and helps Sousuke put the tray down in an effort to  _not_ spill food all over himself and the bed, "just asking."

"Have you bothered to check what  _month_ and  _day_ it is, perhaps?" Sousuke asks back, instead of answering the question which Haruka apparently should know the answer to. Well, he was about to check his phone, and probably would've gotten a hint just by pressing the power button and not even unlocking his phone. So he takes his phone up again to do just that, and when he sees  _June 30th_ on his screen, it clicks.

"Oh," he says. " _That's_ why you got up early."

"And made you breakfast, yeah," Sousuke fills in. He leans forward, and presses a kiss to Haruka's forehead. "Happy birthday."

Haruka looks down at the abundance of food presented to him, and he just barely resists letting his jaw drop down onto his lap. "You didn't have to."

"I know. Let's eat."

He almost feels bad for having expected a pork buffet, but is pleasantly surprised to see just a traditional Japanese breakfast consisting of miso, mackerel — it really  _is_ his birthday, isn't it? — omelette, rice and vegetables. Nevertheless, Haruka digs in, and enjoys a breakfast cooked for him by someone else rather than having done it himself.

"Please don't tell me you have stuff planned for today," he says after having taken a sip from his miso. Sousuke grunts.

"Uh, not _me_ , no."

Haruka narrows his eyes in suspicion, and puts down his bowl. "What does that mean?"

"You'll see. It's not something terrible, but it's—"

"—Kisumi."

"And Gou. Kisumi swore on his life that it wouldn't be anything too extravagant, and if he went so far as to swear on his  _life_ , then I guess I have no choice but to trust him," Sousuke says with a shrug.

While it  _is_ difficult to do, Haruka has to admit that one would actually have to trust Kisumi on that, if he actually were to swear on his life that nothing bad would happen.

"Just promise you'll at least  _try_ to look surprised," Sousuke says, and Haruka promises. To try.

And he doesn't even have to try and look surprised when Kisumi and Gou ring his doorbell and both yell 'happy birthday!' in his face, since his flinch and wide-eyed expression probably makes him look like he's surprised they're there in the first place, but in reality, he's just pushed back by the shock-wave hitting him as they exclaim loudly.

"Another year older, but are you another year wiser?" Kisumi asks teasingly, and Haruka rolls his eyes before he lets the two inside, tempting to leave Kisumi standing on his doorstep. Not today.

"Happy birthday, Haruka," Gou says as she comes inside, and she pulls him into a tight embrace. He almost wants to wriggle out of it, but it doesn't take him long to relax into the hug and return it, too.

"Thank you."

When they're all done with their greetings, Haruka ushers his guests into the living room, where Sousuke's nowhere to be found. Judging by the faint sizzling sounds he hears from the kitchen, he guesses his boyfriend's probably pretty busy, and also assumes he once again isn't allowed into the kitchen. So he sits down with Gou and Kisumi by the kotatsu, where Kisumi's quick to put a gift bag up on the table in front of him.

"Open it! This is my gift," he says, grinning.

"Yeah, I could tell," Haruka replies, eyeing it with suspicion that immediately makes Kisumi pout.

"You don't have to look like it could contain a bomb. It doesn't, I promise."

"Somehow I doubt that," Sousuke says as he comes out of the kitchenette to join the three. Kisumi immediately lights up upon the sight of Sousuke, and jumps up from his spot on the floor to greet him. Haruka returns his attention to the bag, but he still can't help but look at it and wonder if he can open it, if he can take out whatever's inside. The bag is red, it has frills and bows all over it, and it just looks... vulgar. He knows what this is without having to open it, and that's why he doesn't want to. Gou snickers.

"This is  _his_ gift, mind," she says. "I'll give you mine after you've opened his."

"I really hope yours isn't in the same category as his... gift."

"No! Oh  _god_ no. I mean— well, it's probably obvious what his gift is. And we're all adults, no need to be all hush-hush even though it _is_ a gift, I suppose. No, mine is vastly different from Kisumi-kun's gift. Well? Go ahead, open it. Get it over with, which is probably what you're thinking."

Haruka shoots Sousuke a look, and Sousuke isn't of much help since all he does is shrug in response. So he has no choice to open what is most likely going to be a very adult gift. Because of  _course_ Kisumi would do that. Him working at that stupid sex shop in the first place is so disturbingly perfect, and he isn't really the most imaginative guy. So it's a given he'd just grab something from his own workplace since he could. And there's the employee's discount, too.

He squeezes his eyes shut as he reaches into the bag and pulls out something sloppily wrapped in bright pink gift paper. It's a dildo. Most definitely, it's a dildo. And by god, is it a big one. Haruka shudders when thinking about who the hell would fit this up their rear end to begin with. Why do they sell dildos of this monstrous size? It doesn't make any sense. All this thing does is probably give people immense pain and make them unable to walk for several days. And he does  _not_ want to be in that situation, no matter how much Sousuke would try and convince him.

But he tears the paper off nonetheless, and within seconds is holding a completely black dildo. A vibrating one, at that. He wonders if this is really something he should be grateful to Kisumi for, if he should be offended or just outright disgusted slash terrified.

He settles for the latter option, and Sousuke seems to do the same, judging by the expression on his face. Gou looks like she's really struggling not to laugh, and he's thankful she so far manages do keep it in.

"Well? What do you think? Sets a few thoughts in motion, doesn't it?" Kisumi asks expectantly, and Haruka takes a few seconds to let it all sink in before he shoots his trademark deadpan Kisumi's way.

"If you think I'd be able to get that one inside of me, you're dead wrong. I'm a little flattered that you would overestimate me this much, but I would literally  _die_."

Kisumi waves his hand dismissively, still smiling widely as if he  _hadn't_ just given Haruka a giant, vibrating fucking dildo as a birthday gift. "Thorough preparation. Believe in yourself. Or, hey — try it on—"

"Don't you even  _dare_ finish that sentence," Sousuke interrupts, shooting Kisumi a hostile glare, and Kisumi jumps up, but then laughs.

"Well," Gou says and clears her throat. "Time for my gift, I think. Again, no — this is  _not_ a sex toy, or anything you should use in the bedroom for sexual activities. I would be  _gravely_ concerned if you were to even consider it."

"Now  _that_ makes me worried," Kisumi says, and Sousuke lightly punches him in the side in an effort to shut him up. It works, thankfully. Haruka takes the box Gou holds up to him, and he places it on the table in front of him, putting the dildo back into its bag and planning on never taking it out of there ever again. In a way, he's glad neither Makoto or Rin are in town, because their reactions would've been pretty extreme, and they wouldn't have ever been able to let it go. He makes a mental note to thank the Tachibanas for taking the two of them on a surprise trip up to Sapporo for the weekend.

Not that it would stop them from finding out, anyway, Haruka guesses. Kisumi has never been one to be able to keep his mouth shut, and of  _course_ he'd want to brag about what he gave his friend as a birthday gift.

Makoto and Rin had called him not too long before they were visited by Gou and Kisumi, and it had been very evident that they were in the middle of something as he heard a lot of city noise going on behind them, probably exploring Sapporo City or something. But they at least wished him a happy birthday and the thee talked for a bit before the lovebirds had to hang up. Haruka's glad to know they at least thought to call him since they weren't in town. Of course, Makoto's motherly instincts hadn't been absent, and he'd reminded Haruka to take the meds his psychiatrist really wants him to stay on top of. Not that he hadn't already been reminded at least twice by Sousuke, of course.

Gou's present is thankfully just a toiletry bag packed to the brim with all sorts of things; shampoo, conditioner — which he rarely uses, and thinks that out of the people he knows, Rin might be the only one to do so — soap, shower gel... he's pretty sure he's set for at least six months with everything that's inside of this thing. He smiles at his friend and gives her a hug as thanks, and she more than enthusiastically returns the embrace and tells him 'it was nothing, you're welcome'. Haruka's not normally one to put an emphasis on his own birthday since he doesn't understand why he should when all you do is get older, but he doesn't regret this day.

All four of them have Sousuke's home cooked dinner, and talk about all sorts of things whilst eating. When Gou and Kisumi are having a heated discussion on something Haruka hasn't really paid attention to, he takes Sousuke's hand under the table, and Sousuke's eyes meet his. All he needs to do is to lock eyes with him, and Sousuke grins in response, squeezing Haruka's hand a little tighter.

"You planning on... using that thing Shigino gave you?" Sousuke asks in a low voice, and Haruka raises an eyebrow at him.

"No. Would you?"

" _Hell_ no," Sousuke says with obvious disgust in his voice, and then he scoots up right next to Haruka to pull him back towards his chest, making Haruka rest his back against it. Haruka leans his head up a little, and Sousuke presses a kiss to his forehead.

"Looks like it'll be a pretty good rest of the year, huh," he mumbles, as the two watch Gou and Kisumi _still_ bickering. Haruka smiles.

"Yeah, it does."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go, this is the end, finito, finale, 結語... I was going to use the Swedish word for "end", but I realised that's a very, VERY bad word in English. So I'm not going to. I have mixed feelings about this right now. I'm relieved that it's over, but also... what the hell am I going to do with the extra time I have left over now?
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read this fic, whether or not you have read the entire thing, if you just read a chapter or two. Thank you, still. I'm so, _so_ grateful for all of the quite frankly very overwhelming feedback I've gotten on this fic. I'm very bad with expressing myself, but I really, really am thankful for the comments, kudos, the tags on my chapters on Tumblr... everything. Thank you. ❤
> 
> [radiodread](http://radiodread.tumblr.com) @ tumblr


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